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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why quality of men is SO dire?

202 replies

janelikesjam · 10/01/2012 10:16

I am genuinely puzzled. Am in my late 40s and would like a new relationship but what I see on offer (admittedly on dating sites) is so dire I am wondering whether I should give up.

The men seem largely unnattractive with few interests except the most conventional, and often boastful, weird and/or slimy to boot! (I would like to get out more to meet people in a more natural way, but am very restricted by my circumstances, so this not really an option, sadly.)

Anyway, any thoughts on this? Is it just my limited circumstances that is cutting me off from meeting interesting, attractive, available men that really do exist in the real world?

Or is it them? Did something happen to all these men along the way? Are they "ground down" in some way? Do men over the age of 25 not feel the need to bother with their appearance? Do men get more boring as they get older, and women the opposite way round?? Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

Generally speaking, I don't remember men being so unappealing when I was younger, perhaps I was blinded by hormones (quite likely).

Is it me? It can't be, lol.

Any insights appreciated.

J.

OP posts:
LurcioLovesFrankie · 10/01/2012 23:00

Slutty - have a big hug. I'm sure you are not unattractive and not boring. It does sound like you could do with some support in RL, though. Or just hang out with us and talk rubbish on t'internet, if we'd do.

Original poster
janelikesjam · 10/01/2012 23:01

There is some integrity and honesty about that Sluttybuttons, and even though I would not put myself in all those categories, I would be prepared to happily accept being alone and enjoy it.

OP posts:
elastamum · 10/01/2012 23:01

I internet dated for about a year until I met my DP. I think the internet is pretty much a reflection of what you see in real life.

firstly it is a numbers game. A lot of people on their arent serious, some are probably married, some are just looking for a shag, but there are decent men out there too. I met at least 3 men who were actually really nice and who I dated a few times. Secondly, use paid sites as they seem to weed out the weidos. and dont write off anyone too quick. I'm 47, most of the men I dated where my age or in their early 50's and very sorted. I'm OK looking but certainly not a model, but I am a good conversationalist.

So if you like the look of someone or their profile interests you, send them a message, chat on the phone, if you get on well, go for a coffee. Remember it is ONLY a coffee, you're not investing much so it is no big deal if it doesnt go anywhere.

I met my DP for a cup of tea in a garden centre - his choice - we are together nearly a year later and still joke about how much we like garden centre tea shops!

Sluttybuttons · 10/01/2012 23:09

Ive done internet dating and i ended up being used (my own fault cos i let it happen) I did end up with my adorable twins so at least something good came out of it. My exH cheated on me pretty much our whole relationship and it wasnt until i could get undeniable evidence that i was able to kick him out (I was still made out to be the big bad bitch though). So during my whole 31 years nobody has ever really wanted me (family included).
But such is life and i have 3 fantastic children and 2 nutty cats and hopefully in the not too distant future a lovely cocker spaniel puppy.

Sluttybuttons · 10/01/2012 23:10

Oooo i really should had out hats and balloons for my pity party. And maybe a cake?

LurcioLovesFrankie · 10/01/2012 23:14

Mmmm cake ... can I come to the party (specially if I get to play with the cats).

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/01/2012 23:15

I don't think I'd ever live on my own again. I'd share with a friend or a flat share, or my sister, or dd when she's older, if it wasn't with DH or a partner.

Just seems a bit sad to me to say "I've accepted the fact that I will be alone"
when, to me, it seems like there are so many other possibilities, especially when you include friendship, and living with a group of people.

NorthernWreck · 10/01/2012 23:18

Slutty, what ypu said about your family not wanting you either makes me think that your problems are not really about the men in your life. Have yopu ever had counselling?

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/01/2012 23:20

Well, X-posted buttons

  • I see you've already found 2 nutty cats and 3 children to share your life with, and are thinking of adding a cocker spaniel puppy Grin

Sorry to hear you've often not been treated well by the people closest to you

  • Believe in better ! as they say in the ad Grin
Sluttybuttons · 10/01/2012 23:20

I need to accept that i will be alone or i will just keep being disappointed for the rest of my life. Living with other people isnt really an option, no family i could live with and my friends are all coupled up. People say there is somebody for everybody but i know thats not true so just need to accept it

niceguy2 · 10/01/2012 23:20

Im overweight, unattractive, have no social life, unemployed and probably very boring.

But all those things you can change yourself. Noone can do it for you though.

It doesn't take much to get started but it does take a lot of commitment to see it through.

NorthernWreck · 10/01/2012 23:23

Lurcio-I like your ad but I think you should say some more positive things about yourself in it!

Sluttybuttons · 10/01/2012 23:24

I dont have the cash for cosmetic surgery, the overweight bit is being worked on, working isnt possible because of the twins (ive looked for childcare but there is nowhere that can take both and i live in a very rural area with limited options) social life wont happen until the children are older (no babysitters) and i just think people must find me boring cos im a bit of a geek

Sluttybuttons · 10/01/2012 23:26

NorthernWreck Ive got my first session tomorrow. Which is probably why im feeling a bit shit tbh. Got to the point that im finding a way to pay for it myself since it would take forever to go through the Gp

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/01/2012 23:27

You're fine as you are buttons

"Believe in yourself - That's the place to start !"

( Arthur theme tune in case you were wondering ... yes, I know, I should get out more Blush Wink )

Original poster
janelikesjam · 10/01/2012 23:28

Well maybe you're not Demi Moore (and look what happened to her) but sounds like a lot of fun and honesty in your house.

OP posts:
JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/01/2012 23:29

Excellent buttons - good luck with your first counseling session tomorrow, and well done for getting it organised !

Sluttybuttons · 10/01/2012 23:30

this is me and the people that i adore

GeekLove · 10/01/2012 23:33

Slutty look at the geek thread -it's great being a geek! I remember o. Holiday as a teen having some 'cool' kids the same age as me staying in the same place. All they did was drink, smoke and sunbath while looking down on me. I on the other hand went out to the local towns with my parents, went swimming, snorkelling, sandcastles and generally having a good time. I thought that if being cool means sitting around drinking, smoking and generally looking like you have a slapped arse for a face, they can keep it!

NorthernWreck · 10/01/2012 23:33

Good for you Sluttybuttons!
I have several friends who have done counselling. It has been really helpful.

A lot of the way you feel can be down to perception.
I have days where I think "I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm stuck,I'm poor" and others where I think " Anything can happen, I'm free, I can change small things and that will snowball and bigger things will change"

And that's true, by the way. Making tiny changes in all the areas of your life that make you unhappy can work actual miracles.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/01/2012 23:34

Thanks for the link buttons - it was great to see your gorgeous family Smile

NorthernWreck · 10/01/2012 23:35

Ooh you look a bit like that one off Loose women. The one from Manchester that was in Corrie-I always think she has a lovely smile!

Sluttybuttons · 10/01/2012 23:36

They are rather gorgeous arent they :o

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/01/2012 23:45

Wonderful too that you can say "this is me and the people that I adore"
That's a bloody good start you know ! Smile

( Mild thread hijacks are allowed after 11 don't cha know as long as they are either in everyone's best interest, the thread is on it's last legs anyway, or everyone is under the influence Wine ....

or any combination of the above Grin )

niceguy2 · 10/01/2012 23:47

Buttons, pick one thing and work on it. Some things will take longer than others. You don't have to be perfect in every category.

So for now perhaps concentrate on your weight. Once you've done that then that should give you more confidence to tackle the next thing.

If you try to do everything at once, you end up going nowhere.