To wonder why quality of men is SO dire?

[janelikesjam]

I am genuinely puzzled. Am in my late 40s and would like a new relationship but what I see on offer (admittedly on dating sites) is so dire I am wondering whether I should give up.

The men seem largely unnattractive with few interests except the most conventional, and often boastful, weird and/or slimy to boot! (I would like to get out more to meet people in a more natural way, but am very restricted by my circumstances, so this not really an option, sadly.)

Anyway, any thoughts on this? Is it just my limited circumstances that is cutting me off from meeting interesting, attractive, available men that really do exist in the real world?

Or is it them? Did something happen to all these men along the way? Are they "ground down" in some way? Do men over the age of 25 not feel the need to bother with their appearance? Do men get more boring as they get older, and women the opposite way round?? Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

Generally speaking, I don't remember men being so unappealing when I was younger, perhaps I was blinded by hormones (quite likely).

Is it me? It can't be, lol.

Any insights appreciated.

J.

Hate to bang on about the hobby thing but it really is the best way to meet people you'll get along with.
Even if you don't meet the love of your life you'll expand your horizons and enjoy yourself far more than investing time and money into crappy internet dating sites.
I have 2 single friends that have done EVERYTHING from dating sites to speed dating to old fashioned lonely hearts ads - they are skint, disillusioned and still single.
There is a big world out there - turn your computer off and you've got a better chance of finding someone who'll float your boat.

I think the problem is all the decent men are on Mumsnet.

I think that a lot of men in their 40s are dire and have let themselves go big time! Try to look for potential rather than a finished article!

I'm another who thinks you may need to widen your net. I did online dating and agreed with myself I'd go on as many dates as I could (cynically, to make back the money I paid for membership in drinks & dinners ) so I met a very wide range of blokes and had some very interesting dates. One of the men I met 'because I should' sounded like a bit of an arse on his profile, but he was the nicest, sweetest man I've met. Two years later, we're engaged, have bought a beautiful house together and have an adorable son. I'm so glad I didn't take his word for what he was like in his profile!

As an alternative, could you join online sites for things you would be interested in? I know someone who met their partner playing online scrabble!

I agree. Just get out there. Nothing like a sparkle and some eye contact to get things started.

PBB at the risk of sounding like a broken record, you need to get out mountain biking. Its a man-fest. Loads of them are single as not every woman is comfortable with muddy bikes everywhere and finding out that obscene amounts of cash have been spent on a gizmo that makes the bike 0.000001g lighter. But if you you can get past that, you might get a fit, healthy fun-loving man! And most of them worship women who give it a go - its the ultimate turn-on to them.

Cos Crunchy, at the time I met her I had quite low self esteem and I thought I couldn't do any better.

I disagree that looks matter. I'm great on the outside..... inside, not so much.

WOMEN...

A department store opened in New York City that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.
At the store?s entrance, there?s a sign outlining the department store policy.
The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
You cannot visit a floor more than once other than to leave the building.
The woman visits the first floor.
The sign reads:
· Men with jobs.
She moves on to the second floor:
· Men with jobs that adore children.
She moves on the the third floor where the sign reads:
· Wealthy men that adore children and are very handsome.
She thinks to herself, "that's a very good deal" yet moves on to the fourth floor:
· Wealthy men that adore children, are very handsome and help with the household chores.
She decides to move on as things are constantly improving:
· Wealthy men that adore childern, are very handsome, help with the household chores and are very romantic.
The woman is about to make her purchase but can't resist moving on to the sixth floor.
There the sign reads:
· You are visitor number 31,456,012 on this floor.
· There are no men here.
· This floor exists as proof that it is impossible to please women.

& MEN?

Opposite this department store, another department store opened that sold women. The sign on the first floor reads:
· Women that love sex.
On the second floor the sign reads:
· Women that love sex and are wealthy.
On the third floor the sign reads:
· Women that love sex, are wealthy and have large breasts.

Not a single man has visited the fourth floor.

Wow, ViviPru. I've got no objection, although I live in a fairly flat & decidedly unmountainous part of the UK. Do people blokes still mountain bike on flat bits of the UK? I'd need some kind of sad beginners group too! Any useful websites you could point me in the direction of to get me started?

you should be talking to this guy over here

Can't your friends set you up with people they know? They're pre-vetted, your friends won't set you up with anyone truly awful (hopefully!), and the person introducing you should know enough about them to say something you have in common, so you can get a conversation going.

This worked for me... I'd given up on dating after never managing a relationship longer than a fortnight before I was climbing the walls with boredom, but had been looking in the wrong place too. Then I got set up with a man with a superficially dull job, didn't look groomed (scruffy metalhead with straggly beard) and cripplingly shy, never had a long term gf, living with his parents in his 30s - exactly what I would not have considered. But we have so much in common underneath that. By then end of dinner we were finishing each others sentences, and we're expecting DC1 soon!

Oh, and the beard went. He was living with his elderly parents to look after them, the lack of long term gfs was because he was "more of a brother" (basically not enough of a bastard) and the job was whilst he did an MA to get into his preferred field. The friend who set us up knew this. You need to look deeper.

Well the midlands is pretty flat too, but Cannock Chase is a MTB mecca, as is Thetford Forest in East Anglia. Check out the forestry commission cycling sites here (takes a while to load)

If I ever split from DP (god forbid) I'd be all over the bikeradar forums like a rash with my witty repartee. And I'm a real MTB novice. They love that though....

The women's forum is really friendly to newbies and I see there's now a family forum there too. Theres bike hire at many FC sites, so you can try it out without buying loads of kit, and most trail centres have family routes. What could be more conducive to romance than asking some dashing muddy stranger for help with your derailed rear derailleur?

Oh yes Hecate! MrWidower and our OP. Just imagine - a MN wedding. I wonder if there'd be a live thread running during the ceremony....

Thank you ViviPru, just a quick look at the forestry commission site has found me somewhere I could get to. I'm always game on for trying new stuff, so I'll give it a go - specially if I can hire a bike to try it first.

Great

I think looks do matter at the immediate start and especially online.

The reason I say especially online, is because if you meet someone in RL who you consider physically unattractive, they could immediately charm you with their charisma/personality.

However online, that doesn't really immediately happen...so I imagine a lot of people will scroll straight past profile pictures that they consider ugly or unattractive.

That's why special interest forums are good though.

I met DP in person without ever having seen him, after chatting online for about 6 months.... He's easy on the eye but I'm not sure I would have chosen him from a profile picture online as he didn't fit the criteria of what I thought I was looking for. But I was already charmed so by the time we met it didn't matter.

I accept it doesn't always happen though, before DP I had a couple of experiences where I met up IRL with people off the forum with whom I'd had brilliant online chemistry which just evaporated when I met them in person. That's really crushing. But I persevered :)

He's easy on the eye but I'm not sure I would have chosen him from a profile picture online as he didn't fit the criteria of what I thought I was looking for

That's the thing isn't it Vivi

Most of us 'think' we know what we're looking for and then get blindsided when someone different comes along.

I suppose opposites really do attract

Yep, looking at photos of him from that post-uni hamster-cheeks-and-bad-skin era, I'd have scrolled past on a dating site for sure.

Ah Hecate - is this a new MN service? Thread matching? Excellent

Oh yes.

I could have a great deal of fun with it, now I think about it

No matter how you coat it, looks attract first, if you are not physically attracted to someone it isn't going anywhere.

Just like if you met someone when you were out, its looks first.

I've tried Match.com, POF, Badoo, Zoosk, Dating Direct, not one man I'm attracted to and I go for th age range 35 to 45. I'm 47 men don't have a problem with older women.

Generally though most men and women no longer want a live in I certainly don't.

I'm not pig ugly either but was called rough the other day. Pic on profile.

You were called "rough"?! on a dating site?

Now I know I am too fragile for Internet dating.

I can't check your photo as on iPhone but I'm sure you are not!