To wonder why quality of men is SO dire?

[janelikesjam]

I am genuinely puzzled. Am in my late 40s and would like a new relationship but what I see on offer (admittedly on dating sites) is so dire I am wondering whether I should give up.

The men seem largely unnattractive with few interests except the most conventional, and often boastful, weird and/or slimy to boot! (I would like to get out more to meet people in a more natural way, but am very restricted by my circumstances, so this not really an option, sadly.)

Anyway, any thoughts on this? Is it just my limited circumstances that is cutting me off from meeting interesting, attractive, available men that really do exist in the real world?

Or is it them? Did something happen to all these men along the way? Are they "ground down" in some way? Do men over the age of 25 not feel the need to bother with their appearance? Do men get more boring as they get older, and women the opposite way round?? Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

Generally speaking, I don't remember men being so unappealing when I was younger, perhaps I was blinded by hormones (quite likely).

Is it me? It can't be, lol.

Any insights appreciated.

J.

I worry about my wobbly tummy putting a young man + non-dad off. It really seriously is very wobbly.

The trouble is I don't just want someone with a nice personality. I want a man that I look at and want to rip his jeans off with my teeth.
Grrr!

YABU and are going into this with a negative attitude, which doesn't spell success.

You might be rejecting perfectly good men simply because they have conventional interests.. really?

I think you should give people a chance before writing them off. And also ask yourself what you bring to the table, because you're not the only one making judgements.

I don't have a negative attitude, I am just talking about my experience based on reality. I know what I am "bringing to the table", though rather unpleasant way of putting it.

NorthernWreck, amusant!

I tried internet dating for years and years without success. All the usual disappointments. Ok, I know I am no oil painting. I am ordinary looking. To some, I am unattractive, to others I'm lovely to look at. I didn't expect an Adonis. But, honestly, some of the men that contacted me! They were either gorgeous to look at charmers but turned out to be wankers, or very odd-looking and usually quite strange in personality to.

I'd look very carefully at profile pictures of the less obviously hunky, wondering if I would find this person atractive if I got to know them, but in a lot of effort to 'chat' to them; often very painfully one-sided convos with men who were evidently either too polite to turn me down or too socially inept to chat. I would arrange to meet the most ordinary person going but they'd still turn out to be raging loonies who lived with their ex wives, waiting to find a new woman before turfing out the old one. Often I'd end up having long-term internet relationship with someone who had no intention of ever really meeting me, but they would keep me hanging on the line like a limp mackerel.

Then one day, I went out on a limb. I just contacted someone who lived in my hometown because I liked the look of his kitchen units. And we get on like a house on fire. The spark is there, but I also know that if the spark ever dies out, we will be the best of friends.

Best advice a fellow on-line dater gave me? 'You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to find a prince'.

My advice? Look in unusual places! Good luck.

It might be unpleasant to you, but it's the truth. Dating is harsh, as you demonstrate by writing off all those men.
How is your attitude positive?
If a man came on here and said that all women over the age of 25 are ground down or don't seem to bother with their appearance, he'd get a thrashing for being so shallow.

This thread just re-enforces why I am happy to be a 40 year old single male.

And we are happy for you Boney

ITs not the truth Ms Garlic, only your version. People who insist on their truth being truth for everyone are usually lacking somewhere. I had a genuine curiosity about what has happened to these men. As opposed to being rude about posters genuine problems and nasty remarks about what they can "bring to the table". Read some other posts whilst you're at it. IF a man asked that question BTW (exception Jefferson) I would actually think about it.

Oh missy marmite, your post reminded me of some very painful dates!

The ones who really just want you as an online girlfriend are the weirdest to me.
I still get saucy texts sometimes from a guy I went out with a few times.
He is always saying we should get together, which is so odd because he actually doesn't want to see me in the flesh at all!
What is that?

I think the odd thing about internet dating is it reminds me of a Jane Austen novel (taken in the sense of the originals which are brilliant comic deconstructions of a society where the only career option for women is marriage and everyone has a clearly defined place in the pecking order, not the romantic novels people who haven't bothered to read her think they are). Tick list for women: accomplished, enough money for dowry, good bearing, socially connected parents, etc. Men: at least 5000 a year, property, nice manners, etc.

Internet dating has this same "points system" attitude, with precious little space for finding the spark that overcomes differences in interests, upbringing etc. And to those saying "think what you bring to the table" I am all too aware of the long list of negative points - over 40, don't look good in photos, small child in tow. And the things my friends would tell you are my positive points - easy going, nice natured, etc, are precisely the sort of intangibles that wouldn't come across in a dating site profile. And all the time you have the voices whispering in your ear saying "settle for Mr. Collins, at your age and in your circumstances you have to be realistic". And you know what, if a 21st century Mr. Collins is the best I can do (and to be honest, it probably is), maybe getting on for 7 years of celibacy isn't so bad after all.

janelikesjam

"IF a man asked that question BTW (exception Jefferson) I would actually think about it."

you see that is the problem, you have already pigeon holed me.

Quite honestly you come across as someone with a pre-determined list of what you must have. As do many on this thread.

The last date I had the woman had a list that was just incredibly stupid. If you didn't meet that list you where written off.

Quite frankly relationships are about give and take. something that many on here seem to miss.

No! Never settle for Mr. Collins!

If you write a good profile that actually shows what you are like, it does sort the wheat from the chaff Lurcio.

The first one I did I showed to my (non single mum ) friends and they said "no! You can't put that! The menz will run away"
But I wanted to be honest, and funny (cos funny matters to me) and so I probably got a lot fewer responses, but I didn't get any cock-shots, and all the ones who did respond said "I loved your profile-It really made me laugh".

Now, If I could only live up to my profile...

I've jumped the whole thread

I am genuinely puzzled. Am in my late 40s and would like a new relationship but what I see on offer (admittedly on dating sites) is so dire I am wondering whether I should give up.

The nice ones stay married ...... the Jilted Johns go looking .... for other 40 somethings who also cant hold down arelationship.

If I were you I wouldn't look at it so one sided - after all you are in the market place , being viewed and quite probably smilarly discussed in the male equivalent forum

Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?

Nail.Head.

Boney, did a woman really bring a list to a date?
If I had a list it would only have these things on it:

Must be kind
Must fancy me
I must fancy him
Must have some form of job.
Must be very nice to my child.

Oh, and no really small sloping shoulders. I'm sorry but that's just a deal breaker for me.

cock-shots, never had one of those, ever. Perhaps I am to Pride & Prejudice after all ...

yeah if you're profile's so great you could be disappointing in reality, i think mine is the opposite problem. despite the naysayers here ("tables", "whatswrongwithyoumisses") I knock 'em dead in reality, just sayin...

What was Mr Collins like?

What was Mr Collins like?

Like any of the internet dates I met for coffee whilst I was lowering my standards being open minded

Northern - that would be pretty much my list too (have even been known to compromise on the sloping shoulders in the past). Thing is, if you tell that to some people they say "ooh, you're just being too picky". I've actually had friends quiz me on why I wouldn't go out with a man who'd shown an interest, and said "but I don't fancy him", and they've said "well give it a try anyway". There's a name for nice people of the opposite sex whose company you enjoy, but who you don't fancy - friends. I just don't see how you could have a relationship with someone you didn't want to have sex with. (Not that sex appeal on its own is enough, of course).

Janelikes - Mr. Collins - think of the most ghastly male you know, then double the ghastliness!

NorthernWreck

"Must be kind
Must fancy me
I must fancy him
Must have some form of job.
Must be very nice to my child."

Thats a great list, I wouldn't have minded that, this one included
must own a house
number of bedrooms
type of car
must earn at least X amount

It was painful.
I realise that the type of person you get depends on where you are looking.
But sometimes you can only take so much.

Walk a dog. Male dog walkers are generally delightful and chatty. Don't know why.

Actually, I think if I were to go for the small ads (rather than internet) mine would read "Nice middle aged single mum seeks nice middle aged single dad for relationship before we both forget how". What do you reckon?

Trois:
"'Are the good ones simply taken, and those that remain are the ones with major problems?'

Nail.Head."

Hmm, I'm also on the geek clique thread over in chat at the moment, and having just confessed to having favourite equations, you may have a point there! Though I do hope that there's some of us (of both sexes) who are just unlucky, and somewhere out there, there is a male geek for me!

BoneyBackJefferson I was all set to meet a man I had been talking to for some time, we got on very well, had discussed virtually everything.

Except, one day he asked me how much I weighed and my height. He was in a profession where he would be able to work out what this might look like (Size 12/14). I got a text right after, he said

'any fat is a cock down situation'

and he was no longer interested

Now thats one for the list .

I have no chance of finding somebody :(
Im overweight, unattractive, have no social life, unemployed and probably very boring. Thankfully im a realist and have accepted the fact that i will be alone.