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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have sex with dp just because he wants it, all the time?

220 replies

PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:20

I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?
I really don't know if I am.
Basically, he has been off with me since yesterday as I once again refused to have sex with him, he hasn't confirmed this, but I suspect this is the reason.
Now I gave birth to our daughter 23 weeks ago, I have had sex since I had her, don't get me wrong. It took me a while then (over 8 weeks but this was in part due to the third degree tear I suffered whilst giving birth to dd). I have never really been a very sexual person and dp knows this, (we took each others virginity-at the age of 19) even less so since I had dd.

I should clarify it isn't like we haven't had sex for months and months, as I recall it was about a week ago, I am just an awful nasty cock tease aren't I?(oh yes, walking round fully clothed is enough to turn him on sometimes- and believe me that is NOT a stealth boast, it winds me up!)

Oops that turned into a slight rant. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 20:23

I assume he is calling you a cock tease.

:(

He is the one who sounds like a cock... I would say to him that he clearly doesnt need lessons in turning you off, but needs to brush up on his seduction technique, as there is nothing more off-putting than a desperate bloke behaving like a letch.

HandMini · 15/12/2011 20:26

I don't think this is a stealth boast...it sounds like an unhappy situation.

For what it's worth, my view (at 26 or so weeks after giving birth) is that 23 weeks is not that long at all, and I'd be surprised if all couples were back up to full sex strength that soon after having a baby, partly because of the birth itself, but morelikely that you're tired and stressed from looking after your daughter, especially if she's your first.

If your husband is calling you a cock tease, he's a nasty idiot.

HandMini · 15/12/2011 20:27

Suggest he gives you a head massage / foot rub / ensures you have 2 hours off from childcare to have a soak in the bath and relax...perhaps you'll be more in the mood then...or perhaps you won't and he can just deal with it.

Original poster
PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:30

Sorry I became unclear at the end of my OP, I feel like thats what he must be thinking IYSWIM, he hasn't actually called me a cock tease. Sorry!

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 15/12/2011 20:32

Your DH is being a complete knob. I wonder if he would be so keen if he had given birth, suffered a nasty tear and was looking after a little baby all day and night. It's great when your partner finds you attractive but not like this...maybe he ought to show more consideration and affection in less sexual ways and then you might be more minded to have sex!

MissPenteuth · 15/12/2011 20:34

Do you think he could be worried about the change in your relationship with him since the birth of your daughter? Maybe even slightly jealous of her monopolising your time? If by him being 'off' you mean quiet or upset then I'd wonder if this was the case. If he's angry or agressive with you then that's a whole other issue of course, and I'm not in any way suggesting that you're obliged to have sex with him if you don't feel like it. But if he's feeling a bit insecure, maybe just an honest chat with him about how you're both feeling at the moment could help.

FabbyChic · 15/12/2011 20:37

Over a week ago? so because he wants sex more than once in a week he is unreasonable? I don't think so.

Generally a good sex life is 3 times a week easy.

Just because you don't want to why can't you give him a blow job as opposed to just thinking of yourself and because you are okay fuck him.

SlackSally · 15/12/2011 20:39

Good grief, Fabby, you really do come out with some bullshit.

Sex is hardly pleasurable if only one partner is really into it.

And who says 3 times a week is ideal?

Who made you the sex police?

jenrendo · 15/12/2011 20:40

Good grief maybe we are abnormal but we only started having regular sex again last month when we started trying for DC number 2. Ds is is 14 months Xmas Grin. Before that I could count the times since he was born on my fingers!

WoTmania · 15/12/2011 20:41

YANBU

tasmaniandevilchaser · 15/12/2011 20:44

Good grief! When DD was 23 weeks old, I was not thinking about having sex at all. I really really didn't feel like it, I had a tear as well and it took at least 6 mths for everything to feel back to normal down below. I was exhausted and certainly wasn't thinking about blow jobs or hand jobs either. DH was very kind and understanding (and totally knackered as well!)

Handmini's suggestions about him pampering you a bit sound good to me. Talk to him about it, MissPenteuth has some good points about the change in relationship.

rhondajean · 15/12/2011 20:45

Once a week isnt an awful lot, its not like he is following you round pawing you is it?

The problem is, its less than he wants and more than you want. You need to find a balance.

And he is possibly feeling a bit rejected because of the attention the baby quite rightly gets, and is more in a mood about that than not actually getting sex. Its not uncommon, and you need to work through it together.

TBH though, its just as unfair of you making out he is some kind of sex pest for wanting sex with his own wife once a week as it is him sulking for not getting it.

Original poster
PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:45

Fabby, I did not say that because he wants sex more than once a week he is unreasonable, its more the way he asks.
Oh and try this on for size, this has been going on since my daughter was 3 weeks old ffs (maybe i should have put this on the OP sorry)

OP posts:
HappySeven · 15/12/2011 20:45

Has Fabby been on the port?

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 15/12/2011 20:45

I knew that was gonna be fabby before I had read the posting name.

Original poster
PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:46

rhonda, he does! Boob squeezes, a quick kiss will turn into him groping my downstairs areas!

OP posts:
rhondajean · 15/12/2011 20:50

Ok I do apologise, in that case. But still - the problem is something you need to be able to sit down and work out together, and its going to need compromise on both sides.

Original poster
PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:51

no need to apologise rhonda it is yet another thing i omitted from the OP (not on purpose - im so not with it tonight!

OP posts:
HappySeven · 15/12/2011 20:52

More seriously, Paint, are you breastfeeding? I'm sure I won't be alone in saying that it completely took away my libido. Even if you're not your DD is still very young and you had a traumatic delivery which is bound to make you feel less inclined.

I think you and your partner need to have a chat. I found when I took the pressure off myself I was more inclined to have sex and you're possibly putting more pressure on yourself than he is. Perhaps having sex last week means your partner is hoping things could get reignited. Try and enjoy spending time together cuddling etc and see what happens. If your partner's a nice man (and he must be or you wouldn't have been with him to have you DD!) then he'll back off and let you take the lead.

Perhaps your partner's feeling a little rejected and is worrying you don't fancy/love him as you did. Maybe you both could do with a hug.

Be nice to yourself.

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 15/12/2011 20:55

Bf (and subsequently AD's took away my libido)

Just ignore fabby when she's like this.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2011 20:56

He shouldn't be pressuring you into sex or treating you differently if you say no to sex. If he is doing this he is being a cock, sorry :( No excuses.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2011 20:57

I don't agree this needs compromise on both sides - he is sexually assaulting you!

rhondajean · 15/12/2011 20:59

Andrea Dworkins in the house then.

Sigh.

thunderboltsandlightning · 15/12/2011 20:59

He's treating you like a sex toy. Tell him to take up wanking.

There is no rule that says women have to have sex with men, no matter how much some men try to persuade us that there is. It's awful that he's been doing this since three weeks after you gave birth.

Is he selfish and entitled in other ways in your relationship?

LittleMilla · 15/12/2011 21:00

I can sympathise! I had a elcs but still don't feel that up for it - DS is now 7 months.And I have always been rather randy .

Ignore your DH for a second and think about why you don't want it. Yes, downstairs is probably a bit sore etc. But I know that I simply don't feel sexy. I am run-ragged with DS pretty much all day, hardly go out on my own and find it hard to switch from 'mummy' mode to 'sext mother-fucker' mode.

Have you had any date nights? A chance to get dressed up and go out? It doesn't need to lead to sex, but it helps to make you feel a bit more 'sexy' IYSWIM. Also, go out with your friends. Talk to other people and realise that you are funny/sexy/interesting.

Switching off from feeds/nappies/crying is bloody hard. And I think that guys find it difficult to understand that you cannot fick a switch in the same way they do.

Also, don't get too hung up on it. I do, and it makes it much more of a 'thing'. Instead, just try and unwind, have some wine and it a remotely sexy though enters your brain - grab DP and go with the flow. And ask him to go slowly...that's prob another post that I could write!!

xx

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