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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not have sex with dp just because he wants it, all the time?

220 replies

PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:20

I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?
I really don't know if I am.
Basically, he has been off with me since yesterday as I once again refused to have sex with him, he hasn't confirmed this, but I suspect this is the reason.
Now I gave birth to our daughter 23 weeks ago, I have had sex since I had her, don't get me wrong. It took me a while then (over 8 weeks but this was in part due to the third degree tear I suffered whilst giving birth to dd). I have never really been a very sexual person and dp knows this, (we took each others virginity-at the age of 19) even less so since I had dd.

I should clarify it isn't like we haven't had sex for months and months, as I recall it was about a week ago, I am just an awful nasty cock tease aren't I?(oh yes, walking round fully clothed is enough to turn him on sometimes- and believe me that is NOT a stealth boast, it winds me up!)

Oops that turned into a slight rant. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 10:03

But Larry, what about him wanting her to be happy? Engaging in sexual acts was the last thing I felt like for a long time after dd, sleepless nights, soreness, breastfeeding, adjustment to parenthood etc...why should his 'needs' take priority over hers?

AlwaysWild · 16/12/2011 10:09

You see sex for me really isn't like a cup of tea. Maybe I'm doing it wrong Hmm

fuzzynavel · 16/12/2011 10:09

wanting sex with his own wife

Hate that word! She doesn't "belong" to him.

Whatmeworry · 16/12/2011 10:10

Whatmeworry and would all those other things one gets from a relationship carry on with systematic undesired sex as a result of coercion and pressure?

Oh come on...if one party still wants sex in a relationship and the other party desn't and feels coerced and under pressure, then over the medium term that relatiionship is effectively over.

AlwaysWild · 16/12/2011 10:14

Indeed whatmeworry. So the solution is to get in with it and have sex is it? Hmm

fuzzynavel · 16/12/2011 10:15

OP, according to some on here, best sit there with a bottle in one hand and his knob in the other.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 16/12/2011 10:15

Making a cup of tea is a bit easier to achieve and less demanding than sex. That analogy really doesn't stand up.

I do agree that these issues are fundamentally about communication, but still no one should hassle their partner for sex ? especially after the birth of a baby and attendant physical trauma, hormonal upset, and sheer exhaustion.

All this business about just sorting him out with a blow job/hand job makes me angry; as someone upthread said, tell him to have a wank! The OP is not a machine for her husband's satisfaction.

OldeChestnut · 16/12/2011 10:17

three times a week? even when not away on hols??

faints clean away

larrygrylls · 16/12/2011 10:17

Ninky,

He should look after her. She should look after him.

Why is it about priorities? There will come a time when she feels sexy and he doesn't and then he can return the favour. Or maybe he can do something else nice for her.

And, if he really does nothing unselfish or nice for her at all, this thread is not about sex at all. It is about a bad relationship.

Always wild,

Are you on the autistic spectrum? An analogy should not be taken as a literal substitution. They are both to do with making someone feel good when you don't actually personally feel like being pleased in the same way.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 16/12/2011 10:20

larry, are you fabby's sock puppet?

larrygrylls · 16/12/2011 10:20

Lady,

You are back on this "machine" thing. Is using one's hand really much harder than making a cup of tea? And, to turn this around, I don't feel like a machine when I go down on my wife if I am not in the mood. I feel like someone showing appreciation of my partner and enjoy giving her pleasure.

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 10:21

Well Larry, I think we should both be very happy that we are in very different relationships, and never the twain shall meet.

mumwithdice · 16/12/2011 10:25

An analogy may not be a literal substitution, but the two things compared can still be criticised. I think comparing tea and sex doesn't work. And I still don't see why snuggling and kisses are so unacceptable. I mean, if what the OP's DH wants is intimacy, why doesn't that count?

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 16/12/2011 10:29

Larry if you enjoy your wife giving you a handjob while she watches Masterchef I feel very sorry for you

AlwaysWild · 16/12/2011 10:30

Larry no I'm not. If you can't see the difference between making a cup of tea and sexual activity I really can't help you.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 16/12/2011 10:36

larry, I feel as if I'm stating the completely screamingly obvious here, but it's not just a question of 'harder', it's that the nature of the thing being done (or not done) is different if you're talking about tea from if you're talking about sex.

ninjasquirrel · 16/12/2011 10:36

Wow there are some weird responses on this thread.
It is completely normal for women to go off sex for a while after childbirth (especially if they've had a 3rd degree tear FGS) because of the physical recovery needed. Breastfeeding can also completely trash libido.
The OP is already compromising by having sex at all when she doesn't actually want it or enjoy it at the moment.
Her DH was pestering her for sex and trying to make her feel bad about not wanting it 3 weeks after the birth. 3 weeks!
IMO a crap sex life is like lack of sleep - something that comes with the territory of having a baby, and that couples need to talk about sensitively, listen to each other's feelings and negotiate round. There is absolutely no comparison between a 6 month break in having sex after childbirth and a relationship where sex is off the menu forever. But the OP isn't even doing that, she is having sex, it's just that her DH wants more, and is sulking about that.
There is a difference between having sex when you are pressured into it and not enjoying it and doing something 'nice' for your partner - because the WHOLE POINT of sex is that both people enjoy it.

AmorYCohetes · 16/12/2011 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 16/12/2011 10:38

Mumwithdice,

I am personally generally quite happy with cuddling and kisses. However, it is not me we are talking about. It is about how far one person within a relationship is prepared to go to please their partner. Clearly, there has to be compromise in this and it is a two way process. However, there seems to be a pervasive view on this kind of thread that a relationship should be like a houseshare. Both parties should have a roster of jobs to do around the house and, over and above that, neither needs to consider the other's pleasure (sexual and otherwise) at all. Personally, I find that a very depressing view of a marriage/relationship.

(Although, having said that, on the threads where a man has the lower libido (or even sexual dysfunction), you do tend to get a very different kind of group think.)

AmorYCohetes · 16/12/2011 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 16/12/2011 10:42

"Larry if you enjoy your wife giving you a handjob while she watches Masterchef I feel very sorry for you"

Really? Has not happened to date but I would definitely enjoy it :). Get to think about food and sex at the same time. Every neanderthal man's dream.

mumwithdice · 16/12/2011 10:53

Larry, I would say the exact same thing if the situation were reversed. It isn't either/or. If you start with cuddling as opposed to pestering and have patience, sex may well follow because the person feels loved and cared for. It just sounds as thought the op's dh isn't thinking of her at all. Maybe if he bothered to tell her how well she was doing or how beautiful she is to him or how proud he was of her for being a mother, it might help. I've done similar with DH (not told him he was a good mum though Wink) when my libido was higher than his for a bit and it worked very well.

AlwaysWild · 16/12/2011 11:08

Indeed pleasing partner is very important Larry. What kind of partner would find it pleasing to have someone undertake sexual activity they are not happy with?

LunaticFringe · 16/12/2011 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheGoddessBlossom · 16/12/2011 11:16

OldeChesnut - I know me too. Really feeling like DH and I need to get it on more, (been a couple of weeks now) and really enjoy it when we get going but the usual stuff just always gets in the way! Impossible in the morning (DSs are v early risers), I go to be at least 2 hours earlier than DH etc....must make more of an effort! [puts it on To Do list]

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