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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have sex with dp just because he wants it, all the time?

220 replies

PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:20

I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?
I really don't know if I am.
Basically, he has been off with me since yesterday as I once again refused to have sex with him, he hasn't confirmed this, but I suspect this is the reason.
Now I gave birth to our daughter 23 weeks ago, I have had sex since I had her, don't get me wrong. It took me a while then (over 8 weeks but this was in part due to the third degree tear I suffered whilst giving birth to dd). I have never really been a very sexual person and dp knows this, (we took each others virginity-at the age of 19) even less so since I had dd.

I should clarify it isn't like we haven't had sex for months and months, as I recall it was about a week ago, I am just an awful nasty cock tease aren't I?(oh yes, walking round fully clothed is enough to turn him on sometimes- and believe me that is NOT a stealth boast, it winds me up!)

Oops that turned into a slight rant. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
ChristinedePizaTinsel · 17/12/2011 10:10

Judging by some of the advice on this thread Bertie, I suspect that there are quite a lot of women who will have sex with their partners if they rummage around in their knickers.

nativitywreck · 17/12/2011 10:36

Ha! What's that Monty Pythin sketch about "going for the clitoris"? It is in the muddy recesses of my mind...anyone remember it?

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 10:47

Larry the fact that women get joy and fulfilment from pregnancy and children as well (if it's wanted) in now way lessens the fact that they have enabled the men they're with, to enjoy the saem, so your point is irrelevant.

And if you can't tell the difference between an imperfect man who can sometimes be a bit of an arse but is basically OK, and an abusive entitled git, that's not my fault. I do find it sad that so many people, men and women, assume that normal nice, decent men, are some kind of fevered fantasy of perfection. They're not. Some of us know some of them. Sorry if that makes the ones who don't, uncomfortable. Just because you don't know any, doesn't mean they don't exist.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 10:56

From Monty Python's "The meaning of Life"....

Humphrey: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices?
Pupils: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Humphrey: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
Watson: R - rubbing the clitoris, sir?
Humphrey: What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
Wymer: Suck the nipple, sir?
Humphrey: Good. Good. Well done, Wymer.
Pupil: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.
Humphrey: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?
Pupil: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.
Humphrey: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Watson: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Good advice, what what Xmas Grin

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2011 10:59

That's my point. I don't love DH because he doesn't make me have sex when I don't want to, or because he cooks, or does his share of the housework/stuff with dd because I expect that of him...that should be the norm.

nativitywreck · 17/12/2011 13:42

Grin thats the one AF!
I love the bit about "stampede towards the clitoris".
Excellent advice for all men!

AlwaysWild · 17/12/2011 13:50

Wow Larry, you think it is a only a fictional ideal man that wouldn't want to have sex with an unwilling partner?! Shock It never ceases to amaze me the number of times I walk away from mumsnet to give my very real husband a huge appreciative hug.

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 13:59

ROFL that little exerpt should be shown in all sex education (or whatever it si now PHSE, SEAL etc.) lessons.

Who kn ew Monty Python could be such a useful source of genuine good advice eh?

noblegiraffe · 17/12/2011 14:06

Labelling a man as abusive because of a small snapshot of his behaviour is unhelpful because it could potentially switch off the OP from listening any further. If she doesn't see, or want to see her partner as abusive (and he could be perfectly reasonable in other areas, caveman attitudes to sex could have been acquired in any number of ways) then she could say 'you're wrong' and you've lost any further points you might make.

Labelling his behaviour and attitudes around sex is more helpful as this is something that can potentially be tackled.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 14:13

does his help then to say his attitude towards sex is abusive ?

it doesn't change anything though

noblegiraffe · 17/12/2011 14:23

I don't know, AF, best ask the OP.

But labelling a person as bad is writing them off as beyond help.

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 14:26

OK, I'm happy to label his behaviour and attitudes abusive rather than him, if that's what people are more comfortabel with.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 15:31

well, NG, I would say he, or anyone else, was beyond help if they continue to act in abusive ways and don't acknowledge they are the one with the problem

let's not quibble over semantics though, you see I feel that isn't helpful either

MrsOzz · 17/12/2011 16:20

Sex IS a big part of a relationship. But being mother to his child is a bigger part.

I know our sex-life has dwindled a tad since I gave birth to DD 7 months ago. But I have spoken to DH numerous times and he has reassured me he has never been happier, thought I was more beautiful or been prouder of our family.

He knows when we have sex, it is because I feel relaxed and because I want to make-love to my husband. At the moment it is far less frequent that Fabby's 3 times a week (about once a fortnight). But this works for US at the moment.

Don't feel pressured to have sex when you don't want to. A real-man could not truely enjoy the experience if he knows his woman is hating every second. A real-man would go to every effort to make you feel special to get you in the mood (look after baby, cook dinner, run you a bath), not just squeeze your milky boobs and make a grab for your knickers - in fact that sounds like what 16 year old boys do!!

larrygrylls · 17/12/2011 17:59

Elfenor

"Larry the fact that women get joy and fulfilment from pregnancy and children as well (if it's wanted) in now way lessens the fact that they have enabled the men they're with, to enjoy the saem, so your point is irrelevant."

I find it amazing how I enable my wife to have sexual pleasure. And I enable her to eat delicious meals when we go out to good restaurants. The fact that I myself want to do both and enjoy them too is entirely irrelevant. I think she should be totally grateful for my selfless behaviour. (haha)

Parenthood is something two adults embark upon. For nine months, the woman has to make a sacrifice. That is biology. You are not going to change that, at least not soon, however many theoretical treatises on feminism you may read. And, realistically, we, as men ,should not be absurdly grateful for the fact that evolution/fate/god (take your pick) designed women one way and men another. And, to be honest, most women would have no desire to miss pregnancy and birth, anyway.

"And if you can't tell the difference between an imperfect man who can sometimes be a bit of an arse but is basically OK, and an abusive entitled git, that's not my fault."

There are some threads on here where men are clearly abusive entitled gits, merely from what an OP has written. However, they are few and far between. Most of the threads leave room for doubt. In my view, this is one of those. Without more information, we cannot tell whether the OP's husband is an abusive entitled git or a young, not very well educated and maybe not very sensitive, man who is struggling to adjust to the birth of his first child. Most men are not nice all the time, nor are most women. When someone posts, it is normally because they are going through a hard time. It is not necessarily a fair picture of her partner in full.

I know a lot of women who have got in their partner's face at times. They have also sulked at times. They are also wonderful mothers to their children and wives to their husbands, most of the time. If they were men and their partners posted here in times of frustration, they would be termed abusers and behaving in an entitled manner and assuming a privilege that they did not deserve.

Real people are not perfect. Goes for men and women. Get over yourself.

And, if you actually read carefully my advice to the OP (who is no longer here), it is a careful combination of strongly saying what is or is not acceptable, combined with finding a modus operandi for continuing their relationship, which seems to be what she would like to do.

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 18:37

I disagree with you. I think a man who wants sex 3 weeks after his wife has given birthwhen she has had a tear, is abusive. Nobody can possibly be ill-informed about the danger of peentrive sex for a woman in those circumstances,b ecasue teh midwives and health visitors will have given out this information.

I also think that men who pester their wives for sex and sulk when they don't get it, are more than jsut OK imperfect guys who are just having a bit of an arse day. But that's because my expectations of men are higher than your's.

larrygrylls · 17/12/2011 18:45

Do you have very low expectation of women though, as I have never seen you ever condemn a woman's behaviour on one of these threads? It is sad that you have such low expectations of women. I know some amazingly nice ones.

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 19:06

Um I don't think the OP has mentioned anything worthy of condemnation actually.

As to your puerile expectations remark, of course I'd condemn any behaviour in a woman that is as abusive as that of the man in this OP.

Sorry to disappoint, I hang out with really nice people and don't accept your depressing view of human beings.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 19:29

Larry those "amazingly nice women" you know ?

Do they put out even when they don't want to ?

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 19:54

I wonder if those amazingly nice women hassle their husbands for sex, when he's recently had a vasectomy and is still sore and bruised. Which wouldn't be mental or deranged of them at all would it, it would just be them having a bit of an off day and being imperfect but real human beings.

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