Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have sex with dp just because he wants it, all the time?

220 replies

PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:20

I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?
I really don't know if I am.
Basically, he has been off with me since yesterday as I once again refused to have sex with him, he hasn't confirmed this, but I suspect this is the reason.
Now I gave birth to our daughter 23 weeks ago, I have had sex since I had her, don't get me wrong. It took me a while then (over 8 weeks but this was in part due to the third degree tear I suffered whilst giving birth to dd). I have never really been a very sexual person and dp knows this, (we took each others virginity-at the age of 19) even less so since I had dd.

I should clarify it isn't like we haven't had sex for months and months, as I recall it was about a week ago, I am just an awful nasty cock tease aren't I?(oh yes, walking round fully clothed is enough to turn him on sometimes- and believe me that is NOT a stealth boast, it winds me up!)

Oops that turned into a slight rant. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 11:20

My internet is being crap, so this has taken ages to post. Xposted with loads of other posts.

You don't sound weird at all. You sound perfectly normal. Most people like kissing and cuddling and don't always want it to lead to sex.

I'm struggling between two voices here, my angry/blunt opinion which came out yesterday which is that he is being an entitled prick, seems to think that you "owe" him sex by virtue of being in a relationship, or that you should be available to him sexually at all times, that in this instance he is not seeing you as a person with your own sexual needs and desires (which include the need not to be touched sometimes) but just the fact that you're failing to meet his.

But on the other hand there's the one which is saying look, this is a really common pattern, and it might just be that he hasn't stopped to think about it much rather than knowing it's unfair on you but blundering on anyway. There's quite a common belief that "men need sex to feel loved" and while I think this is complete bollocks, actually, a lot of men have been socialised into thinking this, or that it's the ultimate expression of love and if it's not there then there's something fundamentally wrong.

So putting my analysing hat on for a moment, "needing" sex to feel that they are loved. Really? So he's an adult and he can't possibly think of any other ways that you show your love for each other? Because I think that's pretty unimaginative. I know that it's different, but his family manage to express their love for him, he manages to express his love for his daughter, without sex, and I would hope that he sees your relationship as being about more than just sex.

Secondly, using sex as some kind of barometer for your relationship is a bad idea, first because sex drive in either partner can be affected by all manner of outside influences, illness, stress, hormone changes, etc, which don't necessarily mean the relationship in itself is struggling, but the second thing is that if he is worried that the relationship is struggling, the way to get it back is not to push for more sex. I mean, come on. What kind of magic properties does he think sex has? The thing is with pressure is that 1. He's going to push you away even more and 2. If he carries on in this vein then you'll soon find yourself avoiding even the tiniest bit of affection, a compliment, a cuddle, a peck on the lips, in case he feels you are "leading him on".

If he is respectful in other areas of your relationship, then try talking to him, but fundamentally I think this is a massive red flag, because it says to me that either sex is something you do for him and so you don't matter, or he thinks that if he doesn't push the issue, you will quietly slip into the "habit" of never having sex again, because women don't really like sex anyway - and if he thinks that about you then what does that mean about the sex you've been having all this time? :(

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 11:28

^there seems to be a pervasive view on this kind of thread that a relationship should be like a houseshare. Both parties should have a roster of jobs to do around the house and, over and above that, neither needs to consider the other's pleasure (sexual and otherwise) at all."

Oh FFS Larry don't twist it. That's not what's implied at all. It's not about having a roster of jobs, it's about everyone taking their fair share, not one person being in charge and everyone else "helping". My three year old "helps". Because it's not his responsibility to feed and clean up after the family. It is the responsibility of the adults in that family, all of them.

I was going to say something about the second bit but I can't word it right. I may come back to it if the discussion hasn't moved on somewhat.

ginnybag · 16/12/2011 11:29

OP, I hate the '...if you won't have sex with me, I think you don't love me anymore...' line. It is, pure and simple, straight emotional blackmail, designed to make you feel guilty, that well known turn on.

DH and I have had issues with the amount of sex we have. I am not a hugely sexual person, he is somewhat more so.

There are two reasons why we haven't split (13 years in!) 1. The first time he used that line, it was also the last, as I made it very, very clear that if he thought guilt was an acceptable reason for me being in bed with him, he was no-one I wanted to sleep with, ever again!

  1. He's not an arse about it!! He's sometimes not happy, but he never, ever nags or whines.

And he absolutely, definately, did not expect me to be anywhere near him three weeks post DD. Nor at 6 weeks, nor 8, nor 12. I think we were about where you are now, before I asked him (note that!). And DD was an easy baby, and I only had a 2nd degree tear that healed well and cleanly.

There's nothing I (or you) can do about being less interested, for whatever reason, than our DH's. I'm prepared to push my level of interest because I'm never expected to. End of.

I'm not saying we've never argued (we have!) but we could also always talk. And he also, always, made it clear that he NEVER wanted me to have sex I really didn't want.

OldeChestnut · 16/12/2011 11:31

I need to get it on more, (been a couple of weeks now) and really enjoy it when we get going but the usual stuff just always gets in the way!

oh that is so how it is with us, once you get started its great, a bit like ironing i suppose LOL

DoesNotGiveAFig · 16/12/2011 11:43

I actually agree with Larry's first point. You need to communicate to establish whats going on? OP, are you happy to indulge in things other than penetration? Are you happy to give him other forms of sex? Or do you want none at all? Either way, you need to have a chat, because, as unfair as he is being demanding sex you don't want, you can't ignore his desire to be happy too, so a compromise is needed, whether it be him leaving you alone and sorting himself out for a while or not. You both need to know where you stand.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 16/12/2011 11:44

BTW, he is a massive tit being off with you for not wanting sex!

Chattymummyhere · 16/12/2011 12:10

As a women who is only 3weeks post delivery I would be very very upset if my partner did not want sex with me. I have a extremely high sex drive and he has known this since the day we met, bit late for him to suddernly decide his had enough of my sex really.

I think you both need to sit down and tal sex would appear to be important to him in the relationship, but if you explained why you dont want it he may understand more.

Just to add if I go more than a week I tend to get very grumpy and mardy I cannot help it, it just happens.

Chattymummyhere · 16/12/2011 12:13

ops ment to be " had enough of my sex DRIVE really.. not just sex really

BalloonSlayer · 16/12/2011 12:23

I always finish reading these threads with a sense of bewilderment.

< whispers >

Why do some people suggest giving a blow job or a hand job if you are "too tired" for sex?

Am I the only person in the world who finds them much much more hard work?

< frets that should have name changed? >

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 16/12/2011 12:29

Christ chattymummy - how on earth do you cope if your DH is ill?

Balloonslayer, nope

Chattymummyhere · 16/12/2011 12:32

ChristinedePizaTinsel

His never been ill for too long so sex just stops for a day or two..

Only thing I miss pre-children is the several times a day sex cannot fit more than 3 in and 3 is if we are lucky

OrmIrian · 16/12/2011 12:38

"I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?"

Eh? How do you do?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 16/12/2011 13:19

I'm with you, hand jobs etc are more work! I would suggest as alternatives to penetration if its too sore and you want action.

nativitywreck · 16/12/2011 13:59

IMO there is an essential problem that a lot of people are doing sex wrong.

It's not something you "need" to stop you feeling frustrated.
It's not supposed to be a posh wank.
And yet from the sounds of it, that is the way sex is seen.

Masturbation exists so you can relieve yourself.
Sex with another person is about a communication. (And by sex I include blow jobs and hand jobs).
That communication can be a quickie, or a big slow session, but it is about two people.

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 14:37

All this shit about the OP needing to communicate and work on her relationship.

This is a man who was pressurising her to have sex 3 weeks after having a baby and a fucking TEAR FFS.

The ONLY sort of man who would pressurise his partner to have penetrative sex in those circumstances, is a fucking horrible abuser. NO decent man would be expecting sex after 3 weeks. Even after 3 months. Only a really entitled creep would think this was normal.

And some of you are such man-haters, that you can't tell the difference between a man and an abuser.

OrmIrian · 16/12/2011 14:39

totally agree elf.

Regular sex, even in a relationship, is not a fucking human right Hmm

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 14:39

Nativitywreck that's it - some people's sex life must be effing atrocious. That is a really good description of how they see sex - a posh wank. Xmas Grin

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 14:42

Honestly the older I get the mroe I realise that the sexual revolution happened for men but for many women, it's passed them by.

Basically it's still all "lie back and think of England". Sex is supposed to be something both partners enjoy. Do people really not know that? Were all those editions fo Cosmopolitan in the seventies and eighties, all for nothing?

We need a new sexual revolution.

OrmIrian · 16/12/2011 14:46

The sexual revolution got hung up on the surface gloss. IE whether you look good enough for sex, the nature and frequency of sex... So if you bonk 4 times a night hanging from the rafters whilst being slim with big tits and immaculate lipstick, you pass muster. Basically all about fantasy and mostly males ones... And that has become mainstream.

noblegiraffe · 16/12/2011 14:49

From what I remember of Cosmo in the 90s it was all 'How to please your man in bed'.

GoingForGoalWeight · 16/12/2011 16:29

More magazine was sex position of the week (think it was More).sex

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/12/2011 16:36

Chattymummyhere Buy a vibrator/have a wank?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 16:47

Orm, I totally agree with your last point

"hung up the surface gloss"

and boy, are women made to feel like shit if they don't spring straight back into shape post childbirth, look/act like Angelina Jolie etc

all this crap women put themselves through...for what ?

women have sex if you want to

and only then

DwayneDibbley · 16/12/2011 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 17:21

Pretty much, elf. :(

Swipe left for the next trending thread