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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not have sex with dp just because he wants it, all the time?

220 replies

PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:20

I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?
I really don't know if I am.
Basically, he has been off with me since yesterday as I once again refused to have sex with him, he hasn't confirmed this, but I suspect this is the reason.
Now I gave birth to our daughter 23 weeks ago, I have had sex since I had her, don't get me wrong. It took me a while then (over 8 weeks but this was in part due to the third degree tear I suffered whilst giving birth to dd). I have never really been a very sexual person and dp knows this, (we took each others virginity-at the age of 19) even less so since I had dd.

I should clarify it isn't like we haven't had sex for months and months, as I recall it was about a week ago, I am just an awful nasty cock tease aren't I?(oh yes, walking round fully clothed is enough to turn him on sometimes- and believe me that is NOT a stealth boast, it winds me up!)

Oops that turned into a slight rant. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 16/12/2011 18:10

Glue

Its not the same as "being" with your partner and its the being together which I enjoy

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 18:21

Yep, the last time Cosmo did a good article about sex was probably some time in the eighties.

It's hard to believe it was actually part of the sexual revolution at one point.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/12/2011 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 16/12/2011 18:32

I don't really understand your point chattymummy. Are you condoning the OP's partner's behaviour? Having a high sex drive does not give you the right to throw a strop and be mardy because you're not getting what you want. It's a really disrespectful way to treat your partner.

Whatmeworry · 16/12/2011 18:53

Indeed whatmeworry. So the solution is to get in with it and have sex is it?

Depends entirely on what result you want.

As another post noted, "Regular sex, even in a relationship, is not a fucking human right"

But its also true that a relationship, without regular sex, is not a fucking human right either.

Yer takes yer choice.....

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 19:14

The guy is getting regular sex.

This woman gave birth and had a massive tear 24 weeks ago.

They've had sex 3 times since then. That's quite a lot for a woman who is looking after a new baby and had a vaginal TEAR about four months ago.

I repeat, he hassled her for sex 3 weeks after giving birth and having a TEAR. Even without that, he doesn't care if she enjoys sex with him or not. He is an abuser.

Too many women think it's normal behaviour for men to not really give a shit whether they enjoy sex or not. It's not. It's abusive. Women need to be told this, it cannot be said often enough, beacuse abuse is so normalised.

Too many people think getting regular sex, is more importnat than whethere the regular sex is being enjoyed by both parties. It isn't. Having sex which both parties actively want and enjoy, is more important than it being regular. Women need to know this.

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 19:25

I would say the right to not have sex over rules the right to sex tbh. It is no-ones job or responsibility to meet someone else's sexual needs.

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 19:26

But being treated with respect (Ie: not being treated like some sort of sex receptacle) is a fundamental right Whatmeworry.

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 19:28

The other thing that always gets dragged out on these threads is that sex gives you a feeling of real connection to your partner, that it's bonding. Something I saw on a forum a while ago was excellent on this subject, the poster said that sex can be a wonderful, connecting, bonding experience, if both people are into it. If they aren't, then it isn't connecting or bonding at all, on the contrary, it's basically the opposite.

larrygrylls · 16/12/2011 19:41

Abusive is a big word. The OP has not said that he insists on vaginal (or any form of penetrative) sex and, although he sounds insensitive and crass, he clearly does take no for an answer. He also certainly should not be sulky about it and needs to grow up a bit (though I suspect they are both still young).

I don't think all men realise how physically and mentally traumatic birth is to some women. Not every man reads MN or would even discuss that kind of thing. That makes them ignorant, yes, but not bad people.

I still think the whole thing is a communications issue. The OP needs to tell him kindly but firmly that she is not into penetrative sex, and may not be for a while. Then they need to discuss everything around that and try to come up with a compromise where they can both feel relaxed and loved around one another. A new baby is a big thing and people need time to rediscover their equilibrium as a couple.

rhondajean · 16/12/2011 19:55

Oh dear Larry - you have mentioned the c word (Compromise) - baton down the hatches, I did that last night.

spiderpig8 · 16/12/2011 20:06

Does it hurt to have sex or is it a lack of libido?

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/12/2011 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 16/12/2011 20:14

I suspect that if the OP's DP was interested in communication, he wouldn't be shoving his hands down her pants every time he gets a snog

OrmIrian · 16/12/2011 20:24

"If they aren't, then it isn't connecting or bonding at all, on the contrary, it's basically the opposite."

Oh goodness me yes Bertie! When I had just had DD I used to agree to sex because I felt guilty (and he didn't overtly pressure me - I did that myself). I used to feel so full of rage, absolute boiling RAGE during sex that I had to go to the bathroom afterwards to cry and thump the wall. I hated it. But then felt bad for hating it. He used to ask if I was OK all the time because he could sense I wasn't happy but I would tell him to carry on because I wanted to get it over with. I don't think he enjoyed it either. I just wanted him to finish in a moment and then forget about sex for a week. I was diagnosed with PND later.

Sex is not always a lovely bonding, life-affirming process. If you aren't keen it's an invasion, an outrage. All this talk about sex being something that gets better with practise, 'use it or lose it' etc etc is so much invidious sexist nonsense. People talk such utter bollocks about sex.

OrmIrian · 16/12/2011 20:25

Oops. Sorry. That was a bit cross....

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 20:26

But at least you were compromising Orm.

rhondajean · 16/12/2011 20:31

Enough.

Compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication.

Im not sure thats quite what Larry means, but its what I did, and its an essential part of marraige.

Its based in communication.

If anyone actually thinks that OP and her husband trying to communicate is going to make the situation worse, I despair.

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 20:32

But she has communicated, and they are having sex. He is sulking because that isn't enough for him.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 16/12/2011 20:41

It can't be said often enough that sex should be enjoyed by all participants. And anyone who insists on, or carries on having, sex with a reluctant partner, is an abusive individual.
In a good relationship, it's OK for one partner to say 'We haven't had sex for ages and that makes me feel a bit sad, do you still love me?' as long as what the partner is asking for is reassurance and communication. (And in a good relationship, communication takes place, the couple keep talking and come up with ways to make each other feel happier and more loved.
It's OK to want sex and to miss it when it doesn't happen as often as you would like. BUt it's not OK to behave as though you're entitled to it, never mind how your partner is feeling.

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 20:46

Compromise is fair where both parties are being equally reasonable in their desires, and the problem is just that those desires are clashing. This situation isn't one where you can compromise, because firstly, they are totally at odds, and secondly, the OP is being perfectly reasonable in wanting to not be groped, sulked at or made to feel pressured into having sex in order to keep her partner happy, and he is being totally unreasonable in doing these things. You cannot compromise from that. What kind of compromise is there? He's allowed to pressurise and grope her on Saturdays? She should give him what he wants in order to have him stop groping her? No, he should grow up and stop acting like some kind of adolescent Neanderthal.

I agree that the problem is that they're not communicating, or perhaps, that she is communicating perfectly fine but he is not listening. If I'm feeling generous, he is miscommunicating what he actually wants which is some intimacy - although I question the validity of intimacy gained under duress. The thing is, if it was able to be fixed by communicating, it's likely that conversation would have happened several weeks ago, would perhaps have been had again about now, and this thread would not exist. Of course there's a small chance they're both too sleep deprived and/or haven't thought of it, but I think that's unlikely from his actions and reading between the lines of the OP where she's almost apologising to us, and so, TBH, rather patronising.

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 20:48

Patronising to suggest perhaps they need to sit down and have a little chat, like they haven't thought of that already, I mean.

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 20:55

It is always very enlightening to see how much people are willing to ignore the fact that an OP has done what they are all saying needs to be done - communicating and compromising.

She has done this already.

But she has to do it more

And more
And more

And lie back and think of England.

Women are supposed to endlessly compromise and communciate. Men apparantly, can't be trusted to be adult enough to find out what effect preganancy has on the woman they are supposed to love and care about and have said they want to live with for the rest of their lives, who has given them the status and joy of being a father, at enormous cost to her status and phsyical well-being. It's too much apparantly, to go to one ante natal class or have a conversation with someone, to find out what effect this life-changing event might have.

It would be fucking hilarious if it weren't so tragic. Such high expectations of women, and such low expectations of men.

rhondajean · 16/12/2011 20:59

I think you will find that most problems in a long term relationship are fixed by communicating. I think also you will find that compromise is agreed between the two parties involved. You dont find it patronising of yourself to decide for them that two people who have built a life together will be unable to find a compromise that works for them both?

I am always gobsmacked at the overbearing attitudes on here and the rush to term partners abusive when what people clearly need is support, a chance to rant without being judged, and a proper conversation with the person they are married to.

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 21:04

How exactly do you compromise with someone who pressurises you to have sex when you've had a fucking TEAR 3 weeks after that tear?

The willingness to ignore the abusive nature of such an attitude, is fucking gobsmacking. It s simply bollocks to pretend that he would have no way of knowing that it is unreasonable to pressure her for sex 3 weeks post - partum, because the advice is clear - no sex for six weeks, because quite simply, it might kill you. And er, he could try talking to her, finding out that she doesn't want to have sex and so therefore STFU about it, would also be a reasonable course of action.

Oh big fucking deal, he can take no for an answer - the OP is so lucky her husband hasn't raped her, there you go OP, you've got one of the good ones, thank your lucky stars, your man might be someone who sulks and acts aggrieved if you don't want to have sex with him at a time when most women don't want sex and he as an adult should know that, but hey, he's not a rapist, that must count for something!

And they say feminists are man haters.

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