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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have sex with dp just because he wants it, all the time?

220 replies

PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:20

I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?
I really don't know if I am.
Basically, he has been off with me since yesterday as I once again refused to have sex with him, he hasn't confirmed this, but I suspect this is the reason.
Now I gave birth to our daughter 23 weeks ago, I have had sex since I had her, don't get me wrong. It took me a while then (over 8 weeks but this was in part due to the third degree tear I suffered whilst giving birth to dd). I have never really been a very sexual person and dp knows this, (we took each others virginity-at the age of 19) even less so since I had dd.

I should clarify it isn't like we haven't had sex for months and months, as I recall it was about a week ago, I am just an awful nasty cock tease aren't I?(oh yes, walking round fully clothed is enough to turn him on sometimes- and believe me that is NOT a stealth boast, it winds me up!)

Oops that turned into a slight rant. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 16/12/2011 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 21:08

I think you will find that if someone is abusive, no amount of communication can fix things.

The only communication they need, is a communication to them that their behaviour is abusive and why, and to stop it. Some people not too far down the road, will actually respond to that and change their ways; others are too far in the mire to accept that and they cannot be reasoned with.

rhondajean · 16/12/2011 21:13

And any of this vitriol is supposed to help the OP in her situation exactly HOW?

And communication between couples became bad since WHEN?

I dont think one person who has read the OP thinks he is handling this well. But Id kinda like the OP to be able to find a way to work it through with him. IF THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS - and so far she gave no indication otherwise.

Whatmeworry · 16/12/2011 21:18

Oh big fucking deal, he can take no for an answer - the OP is so lucky her husband hasn't raped her

Give it another page or so here, and i'm sure he will have....

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 21:18

God, I only had an episiotomy (crosses legs in anticipation of dc2 in Spring) and that was bad enough.

I discussed this with DH, checking he didn't feel 'hard done by'. He was confused, I explained that I meant cause of pain after birth, breastfeeding on demand 2 hourly for gawd knows how long, co-sleeping as dd hated being alone till about 11 months, then paranoia at waking a light sleeping baby in a small house, yadda yadda. Still confused he just said "but we're a family, that's how it works" (do I ever love that man)...he genuinely didn't get that he might feel neglected, or hard done by. Now I am pregnant again, so who knows how this one will go!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 21:24

Ninky, I think you can be confident it will be ok

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 21:25

Why do you keep saying that communication is a bad thing according to other posters? Nobody has said that.

Communication isn't bad, but it's impossible when one partner doesn't listen to the other. Kind of the basis of communication, no?

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 21:29

. Xmas Grin

JosieZ · 16/12/2011 21:36

OP could suggest DH does night time feeds so that she is less tired and therefore more in the mood.

If he is feeling deprived enough he should happily oblige.

OP will get a full night's sleep!(surely worth a shag or three)

Whatmeworry · 16/12/2011 21:40

And any of this vitriol is supposed to help the OP in her situation exactly HOW?

Well it doesn't, of course - but this isn't about the OP, silly.

This is MN Feminist frothing at its very finest - I think I count a full house on the thread tonight, and we are now very near BINGO :o

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 21:43

Not really, sarcasm is not really an argument, or a point is it? Or is the only advice that is valid....your's?

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 16/12/2011 21:44

Whatmeworry - it's really fucking disturbing that you're advocating sex immediately after birth trauma.

That's unbelievably fucked up

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 21:45

Never the twain shall meet.

rhondajean · 16/12/2011 21:51

Sorry whatme, I forgot the point of these threads isnt actually to try to be constructive. I will try to remember that in future.

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 21:52

The sarcasm is irrelevant. You're putting words in the mouths of other posters. I think the advice to communicate is irrelevant, in the OP's specific situation. Not in others.

ElfenorRathbone · 16/12/2011 21:59

Assuring women that abusive men aren't normal and that they don't have to put up with abuse, is constructive IMO.

Pretending that abusive men are normal, is not constructive at all, unless your agenda is to keep the whole of society in denial about what constitutes abuse. In which case, yes, then it is constructive.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/12/2011 22:55

Chattymummyhere Its not the same as "being" with your partner and its the being together which I enjoy

That's a different thing. Be with him all you like with cuddles etc. And then if you want sex and he isn't in the mood sort yourself out. How do you think it feels for him when you get all stroppy?

Whatmeworry · 16/12/2011 22:58

Whatmeworry - it's really fucking disturbing that you're advocating sex immediately after birth trauma

But then I'm not, am I?

I'm advocating compromise now, after 5 1/2 months, going forward, because we are where we are.

And I'm suggesting this path from the ideology of Reality 101, as the alternative consequences of standing proudly on any "rights" will probably be far worse than compromising.

And you know in your hear of hearts that I'm right :o

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 23:11

Actually, I can't think of anything worse than having coerced sex

I will stand up for my rights to not have sex unless I want to, and anyone else's for that matter

My head and my heart tell me there is no other way

BertieBotts · 16/12/2011 23:14

Yeah I would rather be single than have coerced sex too. Especially since coerced sex tends to kill the relationship stone dead after a while. Not to mention your self respect.

thunderboltsandlightning · 16/12/2011 23:43

Sounds more like you're advocating denial WMW.

The guy has a big problem if he was expecting sex 3 weeks after childbirth and with a 3rd degree tear. That probably needs looking at before it's even safe to have sex with him again.

If it turns out he thinks he has sexual rights over his partner's body (he's behaving like it) then it would be a very bad idea to have sex with someone who thought like that.

Not sure if reality includes wiping out history and forgetting it. That's more of an Orwellian type thingie.

larrygrylls · 17/12/2011 07:00

Elfenor,

You are just too funny.

"Men apparantly, can't be trusted to be adult enough to find out what effect preganancy has on the woman they are supposed to love and care about and have said they want to live with for the rest of their lives, who has given them the status and joy of being a father, at enormous cost to her status and phsyical well-being"

And, of course, women personally get nothing out of motherhood. It is just a gift to their partner.

"Such high expectations of women, and such low expectations of men."

This is such an old and boring trope, which is trotted out as a defence by women, who clearly, in every line that they write, have nothing but vitriol for men. Well, you have such a high respect for the ideal man that no real man can possibly meet the goals. Hence, you have every right to castigate and condemn men for living real yet imperfect lives without ever having to admit to being a man hater. Clearly, anyone who defends men with all the imperfections any human being is the REAL man hater.

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2011 07:28

I don't hate men, by any means. I would very soon hate a man who was happy to have sexual relations with me when I didn't want to, or coerced me into doing so. But then, he wouldn't be a 'real man' in my eyes, and I wouldn't stick around anyway.

5 1/2 months isn't long for some Whatme. I was still in daily pain at that point (and I didn't have the trauma the op did), dd was feeding 2 to 4 hourly and co-slept most nights. I guess this should have given DH the right to feel a little hard done by eh?

There is no part of me that agrees with you. If the op has communicated, as she says she has (he obviously has limited compassion and common sense...3 wks after a 3rd deg year ffs) and he is still being a shit, well, your advice becomes void doesn't it? Now it is his turn to do something? Like, grow up and treat his wife, the mother of his very young child with a little respect. Stopping trying to shove his hand down her pants every time they have a hug (I can't imagine why that doesn't do it for her Hmm) and sorting himself out if he is desperate would be a start.

BertieBotts · 17/12/2011 08:28

Why do some men insist on doing that? (The hands down pants at first instance of a hug thing). I don't get the logic at all. What, is it something like "Aha! She might be horny! Quick, I had better touch her genitals for this is a window of opportunity to turn her on which I must not miss!"

(Bizarre. Especially the notion that that would be a good way to turn a woman on.)

GlueSticksEverywhere · 17/12/2011 08:36

I agree. I don't like to be touched down there until I'm already turned on, otherwise it's just uncomfortable.