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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not have sex with dp just because he wants it, all the time?

220 replies

PaintYouByNumbers · 15/12/2011 20:20

I know I sound massively unreasonable already not to mention selfish?
I really don't know if I am.
Basically, he has been off with me since yesterday as I once again refused to have sex with him, he hasn't confirmed this, but I suspect this is the reason.
Now I gave birth to our daughter 23 weeks ago, I have had sex since I had her, don't get me wrong. It took me a while then (over 8 weeks but this was in part due to the third degree tear I suffered whilst giving birth to dd). I have never really been a very sexual person and dp knows this, (we took each others virginity-at the age of 19) even less so since I had dd.

I should clarify it isn't like we haven't had sex for months and months, as I recall it was about a week ago, I am just an awful nasty cock tease aren't I?(oh yes, walking round fully clothed is enough to turn him on sometimes- and believe me that is NOT a stealth boast, it winds me up!)

Oops that turned into a slight rant. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:37

...and mummy smiles more

HedleyLamarr · 15/12/2011 23:42

Thanks for that Ponty! Grin

Nativity, yes, I know about cleaning the bathroom Wink. To all blokes lurking, it does work.

AnyFucker, joshing is fine, ignore is preferable. Sorry Fabby, sometimes you're wrong. This is one of those times. I won't be nasty about it, it really isn't my style. I'm naice you know Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 15/12/2011 23:44

"What sort of a bloke thinks that sex three weeks after birth is a good idea?"

XH, for one... I felt terribly guilty for making him wait till the 6 week check.

I really cannot believe what a fecking doormat I was for so many years.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:46

Hed, Fabby won't be back

she drops the bomb then does one

really

you will soon recognise the M.O

ElfenorRathbone · 15/12/2011 23:49

I read that badly. As "she drops one"

Have visions of a bd smell wafting around MN in her wake.

Sorry about that

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

HedleyLamarr · 16/12/2011 00:17

Yes, but I reckon she reads her press, good or bad.

Eleanor that made me rolf. Grin

xyfactor · 16/12/2011 03:50

Andrea Dworkin was a joke anyway.

To the OP.
Nobody has the right to demand sex.
But there has to be a balance or a relationship becomes nothing more than a joke with one member of the partnership using sex as a weapon/bargaining tool.

I hope you get it sorted OP.

valiumredhead · 16/12/2011 08:23

Generally a good sex life is 3 times a week easy

Even if you have sex every day it doesn't automatically mean it is 'good.'

A good sex life is where both people are happy and content and that maybe with sex once a day, once a week, or once a month.

I hope you find a way to sort this out OP because it doesn't sound a very nice situation.

Original poster
PaintYouByNumbers · 16/12/2011 09:11

Thanks for all your replies guys, he did once say to me a while back that sex is part of a normal adult relationship but he said it like a relationship without sex is abnormal IYSWIM?
There's no convincing him either that because I am not having sex with him DOES NOT MEAN that I don't love him or find him attractive.

I know I sound weird but I don't see anything wrong with just cuddling and kissing, because since I had dd it takes me a while to work up to wanting sex, when we tried at around the 8 week mark, it was a) because he hadn't stopped going on about how i must not love him, etc and b) i didn't feel any pleasure at all, just felt pressured into it as I always do these days, i.e if i dont he sulks and trust me I know when he is in a mood with me even if he never admits it.

OP posts:
mumwithdice · 16/12/2011 09:25

Paint, you're not weird at all (or if you are, I am too), I've always preferred starting out with kisses and cuddles. If it leads somewhere, brilliant. If not, we've had a nice snuggle. Thing is, it's more likely to lead somewhere because DH is v. patient and will be happy with snuggles so there is no pressure. Your H is being completely U esp. as you are healing and taking care of a baby.

Whatmeworry · 16/12/2011 09:30

he did once say to me a while back that sex is part of a normal adult relationship but he said it like a relationship without sex is abnormal IYSWIM?

I agree with him TBH, if there is no sex in the relationship then ultimately what's the point of it*?

Big picture a new baby is a temporary situation and hardly a unique one, and while I really understand not wanting intercourse right now, 6 months is also a long drought and i just don't see that in a loving relationship its unreasonable to help your partner get off via other means in a 5 1/2 month period.

*subject to the usual disclaimers of age, illness, and the small % of couples who both like sexless marriages etc etc

AlwaysWild · 16/12/2011 09:32

Paint you're not weird or abnormal. Why would he want to have sex with you when you don't want to? Can you imagine wanting him to have sex with you when he didn't want to?

Pozzled · 16/12/2011 09:35

OP I can sympathise. My DD2 is a similar age to yours and DH and I have had a similar issue. He felt very rejected and confused by my complete and utter lack of interest. And although he didn't (and wouldn't) put any pressure on me, I put pressure on myself because I knew it was making him unhappy. And the more I felt that I should want sex, the less I wanted it.

We are managing to keep our relationship strong by talking all the time, so we each have a good understanding of how the other feels, and taking time to show each other how much we care in other ways. We both know that sex will only happen if and when we both want it.

AlwaysWild · 16/12/2011 09:35

Whatmeworry 'what is the point of a relationship without sex in it?' really?? There's no point without sex??

That's all a relationship is to you?

Wow I get so much more out of my relationship.

Pozzled · 16/12/2011 09:42

Sorry, posted too soon. My point was that if you can talk to each other and understand each other's point of view it really helps. But if he won't talk, won't accept that you simply don't want sex right now, then that leaves the relationship in a very bad place. Only you know how much work you're willing to put in, but don't have sex just because he wants it- it will make things worse, not better in the long run.

TardlyWhiptrack · 16/12/2011 09:44

He sounds a nasty harrassing shit. Send him a picture of a third degree tear and ask him if he fancies you ripping him one - give it three weeks after that and you'll be on the same page, won't you? - I'm sure he'll be feeling really up for it.

'It's the way he asks' - OP, I feel for you. It must be horrendously difficult to reocover from and injury like this, care for a baby, AND have the person who should be caring for you and supporting you putting his energies into prioritising HIS wants - and in a particularly nasty, attacking way.

Tell him that the more he batters your self esteem and makes it clear that at this most vulnerable time his priority is still his own comfort, the less you'll feel like having an intimate relationship with him. If he wants to wreck his own sex life permanently, he's going about it really really well.

Whatmeworry · 16/12/2011 09:45

Wow I get so much more out of my relationship.

So does nearly anyone - but would it really carry on exist for very long without the sex?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 16/12/2011 09:47

Whatme Doesn't that depend on the individual? If the two of you aren't that fussed then where's the issue?

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 09:49

I don't get this. How is the OP meant to compromise in this instance? Force herself? Hardly the way to foster a close relationship. DH would no way be into it if hr felt I wasn't, I'd think less of him if he wasn't bothered.

Fwiw, dd is 16 months, we've prob had sex 20 odd times since she was born. I'm now pregnant again, so it will tail off...is he bothered? Is he fuck, he is a grown up.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 16/12/2011 09:53

OK, so sex is very important to a lot of people, and a person with a high libido can become very miserable and resentful if they are in a monogamous relationship with someone who is not currently willing to engage in sex (It's different when you are single or in an open relationship, because you can at least seek sex when you want it ie if one partner says not now, thanks, you can go and see if another person is in the mood, or at least you know the possibility is there).
However, this man is behaving like a knob and doing nothing to improve the situation. What he should be doing is more than his fair share of domestic work, at present, while the OP is tired and not feeling too good. There would be nothing wrong in him letting her know his feelings: that not having much sex makes him feel sad and insecure, but he also needs to let her know that he understands her feelings, doesn't blame her, and would be happy to do anything she would like him to do to improve things.
If you have a partner who is showing you consideration and kindness, you are more likely to feel good about your partner and yourself and be prepared to try to booost your libido a little. If you have a partner who is sulking and whining and waving his cock around, what libido you have left will wither and die.
OP, how much of a selfish knob has he been in the past? Men who are this insistent on 'getting sex from' women rather than enjoying it WITH them are usually shit in bed, thus perpetuating the cycle even more (women will but up with rubbish sex when they are in the early, madly-in-love/lust stage of a relationship, but if it carries on being a snog, two pokes and a squirt they will go off the idea).

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 16/12/2011 09:55

I agree that sex is an important part of a relationship. But after having a baby, there is generally accepted to be a bit of a lull in post-birth recovery. There's a massive, massive change to a woman's body when she has a first baby and, even without the physical damage that the OP has suffered, it takes time to begin to become sexual again IME. And what decent partners do is accept that. Not sulk and try and emotionally manipulate their partner into giving them a pity shag.

I find it very distressing to think that so many women feel they need to have sex when they don't want to in some deluded attempt to please their man.

larrygrylls · 16/12/2011 09:59

I don't think anyone has the right to demand sex. On the other hand, a nice partner will try to please his/her partner. This idea that a man who wants sex when his wife does not is some kind of entitled idiot does not sit well with me. Why can't someone help their partner reach sexual satisfaction out of kindness? If we substituted a cup of tea for sex, would people feel the same. Would no one make their partner a cup of tea if they sensed they wanted one, even if you were not personally in the mood for a cup?

My wife would definitely try to please me if she could sense I was in the mood and she wasn't, and vice versa (and both have happened). Why not? That does not mean penetrative sex. Clearly after birth, few women are in the mood for that. It strikes me as nice to make someone you love happy.

I think these threads are not really about sex at all but about communication. As soon as someone stops wanting to make their partner happy, it is a bad sign within a relationship. And it becomes a vicious circle. One person feels rejected, the other feels put upon. People need to talk and compromise, not draw the wagons around...unless they are ready for separation.

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 10:00

I actually just asked DH about this when he got back with the dogs, he couldn't believe other women were suggesting pacifying such an eejit, and that the OP was in any way unusual or unreasonable. He is not an odd man, he is a normal, sensible, mature man...something the poor OP's husband obviously isn't.

AlwaysWild · 16/12/2011 10:03

Whatmeworry and would all those other things one gets from a relationship carry on with systematic undesired sex as a result of coercion and pressure?

Sex for me can be an expression of a good relationship but it isn't 'the point' of one.

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