Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 11/12/2011 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 11/12/2011 22:34

Have you tried the diaphram?

valiumredhead · 11/12/2011 22:35

Who told you that women can't be sterilised - an actual doctor?

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:36

As a person terrified of needles, doctors or anything medical... If my DH said he would not want sex if I did not get sterilised I would be livid!

If he doesn't want it tough luck and you should get sterilised. You can't force someone to have a medical procedure and deny sex/ affection as a threat until they go ahead with it!!

Yabvvvvvvu!!!

Hmm
Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:37

The doctor at the FPC told me that they prefer women to have the merina fitted and that you need to have a pretty watertight reason to want to be sterilised these days as it's more costly than a coil. She said the merina was as good as a sterilisation Hmm

I haven't tried the diaphragm.

I want to have proper sex Grin

OP posts:
aurynne · 11/12/2011 22:38

nosextoday, have you considered Essure and Adiana? No surgery, no IV anesthetic, no hormones, and both are permanent methods. Much cheaper than tubal ligation too!

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:39

So she didn't say you could nt get sterilised, just they prefer other methods? Therefore you go in there and say that may be what you prefer but I need to be sterilised because....

And not inflict that on an unwilling person

Ya (still) BVVVU

soverylucky · 11/12/2011 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 11/12/2011 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:42

dh is just a coward. I've had two c-sections. Why shouldn't I ask him to have a vasectomy. I'm not currently denying him sex just that I don't feel comfortable doing it and he's as worried as I am about unwanted pregnancy. He's avoiding it as well due to these worries. I just don't encourage him to do it to me anymore Sad There's very little point in doing it if it's just swathed in anxiety.

OP posts:
Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:42

Who says he doesn't care less? OP has stated that he is scared

And as someone who has treatment for my phobias that's a good enough reason. She should be the one to have it and not pressure someone else into it!

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:44

Sorry OP you are making me so pissed off and sick I have to go. Sort yourself out.

Oh and you can ask him to have a vasectomy... He can also say no!

FlangelinaBallerina · 11/12/2011 22:44

If you were withholding sex as a punishment, you'd BVU. I always think that's very mean. As you seem to be doing it out of fright that you'll get pregnant, it's understandable. Not going to help your relationship though, so you need to sort this.

Assuming you both see penetration as important and can't manage with oral (or anal I guess!) I suggest you push further for the sterilisation, if you're willing to have it. If necessary, make the point that it will be cheaper than repeated abortions. Even if you're anti abortion, they don't need to know that, and when I temped in a family planning clinic they used to cost things by comparing them to abortions.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 22:44

YANBU.

It sounds like you have done your bit in terms of contraception over the years, now it is his turn.

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 22:45

You can have plenty of sex without penetration.

Not sure why putting on weight would be a factor, generally you don't put on weight with the pill, you could always try eating less.

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 22:46

Not all contraceptive pills cause depression there are hundreds you could try.

Besides depression is treatable as is putting on weight.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 22:47

Kayano - do you realise how much more of an operation female sterilisation is than male? How much more invasive, and with a much longer recovery time?

There is no suggestion from the OP that her DH has 'phobias', just that he is a bit chicken which isn't the same thing at all.

FWIW my DH isn't keen on needles, but he is going to have a vasectomy because he doesn't want me to be on the Pill or whatever for the the 10-15 years.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 22:49

Fabby how much more bollocks could you spout?

'Generally you don't put on weight with the pill'. This is bullshit, loads of women put on weight with the Pill, it is a well documented side-effect.

And so the OP is supposed to stuff herself with hormones, and then ADs as well for the next however many years until menopause, just because her DH doesn't fancy a small surgical procedure?

Purpleroses · 11/12/2011 22:50

Have you considered natural/rhythm method? At 42 you should be OK with it as long as your cycle's pretty regular.

I think YABU expecting DH to have the snip it if he's not happy with the idea. It is (usually) ireversable so would mean no more DCs, even if something dreadful was to happen to you and your DCs - ie it's a bit of a personal decision, not just a joint couple decision iyswim.

HappyCamel · 11/12/2011 22:50

YANBU

sometimes in life we have to put others first, face our fears and be a grown up.

Having said that, go the GP together, book a double appointment and tell them what you said in your OP and see what they suggest

ladyintheradiator · 11/12/2011 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SherbetDibDab · 11/12/2011 22:50

You can't force him to have a vasectomy - that's obvious. But if he wants sex, contraception is his responsibility as much as yours. If he's not willing to discuss this and come up with a solution then he is being unreasonable.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:51

So fuck? He might be terrified but not wanting to say

Who is she to demand someone go through with any type of operation if they don't want to? And threaten to not have sex again until he does?

What kind of messed up relationship is that? He uses condoms according to OP.

IMO if she wants it 'permanently sorted' and he wants no operation then she should accept that (as she is clearly not scared) and get it done herself

As I said if this was the other way around everyone would be saying much the opposite! I think it's disgusting to threaten to withhold sex until
You get something Hmm

aurynne · 11/12/2011 22:52

About being scared of a vasectomy: once again, if men were the ones to bear children, the human race would have extinguished millenia ago.

A1980 · 11/12/2011 22:53

I put on loads of weight on the pill. I didn't change my diet either and didn't start pigging out when I went on it.

TBH you both need to go to your GP or family planning clinic to discuss your options. There are so many options out there, you may well find that there is an something you haven't thought of yet that suits you fine.