To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

[nosextoday]

dh and I can no longer have sex

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

marking place

Your dh does indeed need to " take one for the team" here. He is not doing his fair share in the relationship. Yanbu to avoid getting pregnant when neither. Of you want more children.

Refusing hormone treatment IMO is very wise. Poor you OP, what a crap situation.

Sex when you are anxious and scared is fairly horrible and I think that saying no to it is totally reasonable. You can't force someone into surgery, apart from anything else it will probably come out when they do the pre-op counseling and then the operation will be cancelled.

Seems a bit crap for you to have the stress and anxiety of having to arrange for sterilisation plus to waste quite a considerable amount of money it when your dh could get the snip with no cost and little trouble (yes some people do suffer from side effects, but nothing in life is totally trouble free).

Sex after dh got the all clear was just so much better it made me realise quite how bad it was before.

In your situation nosextoday you Both do not want anymore children. You have sought other forms of contraception but they either do not work for you or are against your beliefs.
You are willing to be sterilised but female sterilisation is neither the best option (far more risky for the woman) nor being made available to you without cost.
You are in the same boat my family was in after DC4 was born. DH was nervous but NOT terrified of a vasectomy, sounds like your husband is the same. When I was pregnant with DC5 after using condoms every single time with no rips, leaks etc DHs fears miraculously disappeared.

He was booked in, job done, back to work the next day wondering why he'd resisted in the first place. We are now a very skint, very tired family of 7.

YANBU your DH is being a rather silly boy and should sort himself out.

sorry can I just add out of guilt that I adore my baby, he just wasn't in the plan and we tried hard NOT to have 5children, but I would not be without him now. Just offering our experience as something for your DH to think about really as a possible future for your family if he doesn't 'man up'

' Round here, they do vasectomies in a van that parks on B+Q carpark on a weekend.

Round here the van that parks on the B&Q carpark serves beefburgers and fry ups. '

I suggest you don't have the meatballs.

I don't have a problem with being sterilised! The nhs are limiting the number they do because of costs. They just tell you to get a merina coil instead.

If you're willing to get sterilised you need to find yourself a more understanding GP. I was referred & sterilised within 4 months by my GP.

YANBU. He is being unreasonable to expect sex when it is making you feel so anxious/stressed.

I think withholding is the wrong word. You're not punishing him. Just trying to spare yourself the excessive worry about the very real possibility of pregnancy which is terrifying when its unplanned. Are you supposed to continue until you make yourself ill with stress or hormones that don't suit you? Just so he can get his rocks off?

Can't believe someone suggested continuing with the pill when it had such adverse side effects for you. I've heard several people experience weight gain on the pill. We're all different, what suits one, doesn't suit another.

He is being cowardly.

Why are people implying that a vasectomy and steriliasation are similar procedures? A vasectomy is a quick snip, with a local anaesthetic, no overnight stay required, followed by some discomfort for a few weeks (easy for me to say). Sterialisation requires a general anaesthetic, is a major operation (with associated risks) and could mean several week's recovery, with associated inconvenience. Obv the OP cannot force her DH to have an op he doesn't want, but he is BU for not recognising that after two C secs, she has done her bit and that as neither of them want more DC, it's his turn to make a sacrifice

Does your DH have any friends or family he can trust to talk to about a vascetomy? Mine has just had one (in a very clean mobile CATS unit, on a trading estate!) and it honestly took him longer to get there than it did to actually have the op. He's the type of man that can't even look at fake blood on the tv, has never been to hospital before and doesn't 'do' pain very well. He went back to work after a day off to recover, is a bit sore still but is wondering why he was ever nervous about it! TBH, I think he's a little bit proud of himself for having it done
I'm pg with our 3rd and we are very definitly not having any more! I spoke to my GP about being sterilized and he flatly refused. Apparently the recovery time is longer and the failure rate is higher than a vascectomy. Just talk to him about it & if nothing else ask him to go speak to the GP about it.