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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
40notTrendy · 11/12/2011 23:07

Contraception is a joint decision. And it has to be something you both feel comfortable with. You need all options, for both of you, on the table and go through pros and cons. One of you is going to have to compromise. Yanbu, but you need a conversation with DH.

sternface · 11/12/2011 23:09

I think there are bigger issues going on here than a stand-off about who takes responsibility for birth control. Anyone who describes sex as something her partner 'does to her' isn't describing a particularly happy relationship IMO.

This seems like a power struggle. If it wasn't and this was a healthy relationship, both parties would find out together about the risks and benefits of different types of contraception, rather than relying on myths and groundless fears. They would then broker an agreement, rather than give up on something they both appear to enjoy, in order to 'win' a pointless and self-defeating battle.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 23:09

Well don't say you didn't say something when it is 1) in your OP and 2) in your thread title.

It's frustrating and dishonest and tries to invalidate certain replies Hmm

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:09

kayano I am not currently witholding sex but I'm seriously thinking about it and I have already stopped encouraging him. If he does approach me I go through the motions and hope he gets it over with safely. I'm seriously thinking of just telling him to naff off though because I don't see why I should just do it for him when I'm risking so much by doing it without proper protection. I had a miscarriage recently. I can't have a termination.

OP posts:
YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 11/12/2011 23:11

OP have to say I cringed when you said 'he is just scared of having his bits cut into'. Well, yeah!! Confused

That said, I see what you mean about having borne the brunt of all the medical procedures over the years. Have you put it to him in those terms? Like, in order to create our family I've had two lots of major invasive surgery, and now I'm asking you to do this to save our sex life?

But if he doesn't want to, then he doesn't. I don't take hormonal contraception and I'd be mightily pissed off if a partner gave me an ultimatum about that. If not I think you need to look at constructive ways to have a better sex life, like using toys/ mutual masturbation/ oral whatever until it is safe for you to have penetrative sex.

orangeLFDThead · 11/12/2011 23:11

I second trying the diaphram. I too can't have any hormones ie pill as it makes me loopy. Dh really can't stand condoms. Diaphram works perfect for us. Neither of us are even aware it is there once it in place.

GooKingWenceslas · 11/12/2011 23:12

I am sorry alwaystime

Selfish fucker does sum it up. :( :(

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 11/12/2011 23:13

Also yes, no longer use the diaphragm but when I did it was fine. Do try it. And/ or rhythm: is that an option?

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 11/12/2011 23:13

It is rather confusing, though. The thread title is about 'witholding sex', but then the OP says she's not doing that.

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:14

I'm seriously considering withholding sex. I was asking if it was unreasonable of me to undertake this course of action. Or inaction as the case may be.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 11/12/2011 23:14

That isn't it though, is it Kayano? Like I said, I was willing to go ahead with a sterilisation had my DH decided not to have a vasectomy. However, the decision to not have any more children was a joint one. The procedure to prevent it is more straightforward for him. The consequences of avoiding sterilisation are more significant for me, as they involve significant health issues (or at least my previous pregnancies had) than him. In addition to taking the physical hit in order for us to have our wanted children, I would be taking the hit to prevent unwanted children. I would have done it, because I really, really couldn't face another pregnancy, or indeed another baby, but there would have been a significant effect on our relationship I think. The time he took to make the decision was very difficult.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 11/12/2011 23:15

Oh, I see.

You don't have to do sex in just that one way, you know.

SherbetDibDab · 11/12/2011 23:15

YANBU. I'd be very pissed off if I had to have a sterilisation so my dh didn't have to go through a vasectomy. Sex is for grown-ups, because it comes with responsibilities.

It's not double standards or any such nonsense, he's expecting to still have a active sex life but not take any responsibility for not having babies, that's wrong.

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:16

We only do it about once a month as it is. I don't know how on earth I became pregnant last time Sad We do other things but I do miss proper sex.

OP posts:
DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 11/12/2011 23:17

...you should move on and have it done...

Because arranging abdominal surgery, particularly on the NHS really is that simple Hmm

FWIW I was told when I enquired about sterilisation that it is only done on the NHS these days in extreme cases where absolutely no other form of contraceptive method can even be attempted. I was also told that having had a c-section and another (keyhole) abdominal surgery, they wouldn't attempt it anyway due to existing scar tissue.

As the OP has had 2 c-sections it is possible she would be in the same boat.

I have had a Mirena for nearly 7 years. It's great, have noticed no hormonal issues apart from having no periods which I really don't consider a problem. I have also successfully come off AD's since having one, do perhaps it's something you could investigate further.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 11/12/2011 23:18

Well, good luck with that. I can't beat the good advice on here, for you.

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 11/12/2011 23:19

YABVVVU

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 11/12/2011 23:19

YANBU to refuse PIV sex unless he has a vasectomy. Enjoyable sex does not have to involve PIV. However, it's his body, and if he doesn't want to have surgery, that's fair enough. But he doesn't get to have PIV without a vasectomy; that's fair enough as well.

AlwaysTimeForWine · 11/12/2011 23:19

You are not being unreasonable to withhold sex if the reason you are doing it is that you are scared of becoming pregnant. That is a very real danger and not something that you are being flippant about!

A relationship is a partnership. There are times of give and take and I think that the fact that you have had all the children that you both want, and that you have gone through all of the physical (and sometimes wonderful!) upheaval that goes with that, you have tried other contraceptives that don't suit you then it is time for him to step forward and take some responsibility for contraception. Female sterilisation carries higher risks due to the nature of the operation than a vasectomy.

My husband does understand all this and is willing to have a vasectomy, I just think that he is (rightly) worried and anxious about having it done. So I am making an appointment for us both to go and find out more about it - a lot of the fear is that of the unknown.

I would never want to bully my husband into it but now I have found out that I am pregnant I wish that I had done a little more bullying!! I have said to him that if he doesn't have it done it is going to affect our sex life even more than it already has. And if that makes me controlling then so be it! My husband and I chose to have our 3 children. But I do feel that as I have spent 4 years out of the last 7 either pregnant or breastfeeding it means that it is my husbands turn to step up!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 23:20

after years of pumping hormones in my body to prevent pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, 2 births one of which was a fucking nightmare for three whole days...

when our family was done, I thought it was my husbands turn to step up and take the ultimate responsibilty

he didn't want to (who does ?), but he was man enough to realise it was his turn to undergo something a little bit unpleasant

he had that vasectomy, and our sex life has been on the up ever since

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:20

I hear a lot of negativity about the merina. I don't like any hormonal methods. I don't think he's ever going to have it done tbh. He just keeps fobbing me off.

OP posts:
YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 11/12/2011 23:22

nosex it's not really clear how far you have really tried talking to him. At the risk of invoking a massive cliche - have you thought about showing him this thread?

I don't think YABU to withhold sex, but I do think YAB rather childish if you haven't sat down and explained to him properly what you are scared of and what the effects on your sex life are for you.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 23:22

But what else is she goig to do?

Keep on at him?
Withhold sex as she is suggesting til he does it?
Force him?!
If he keeps saying no he is scared is she going to
Leave the father of her kids?

I don't see how anyone can try force anyone else to have any type of medical procedure.

mebythesea · 11/12/2011 23:23

Alwaystimeforwine :( so sad for you.
i could have written your post . Dh just has to look at me funny and i get pregnant. Have 3dcs under 7 and had 3 miscarriages in 2 yrs.Why cant our men step up and take some responsibility
for contraception? Mine hates condoms, wont put them on at right time, i cant take pill or coil, he wont even entertain vasectomy discussion, i could get sterilised but am Only 30 he is 45 ... Really puts me off sex so i avoid it and when we do i am? Constantly stressing that i'll get pregnant. No fun for anyone

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:23

ATFW good luck and I hope it works out for you. I'm sorry that you're going through such a bad time atm.

OP posts:
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