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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
forkful · 12/12/2011 21:53

HuntyCat - have you had that in writing? Have they looked at your individual case or have the GPs just told you a blanket age? It just seems so awful given your medical history that should be denied sterilisation. Did you know that the new essure procedure is a lot cheaper than the tubal one and can be done via local anesthetic rather than general.

forkful · 12/12/2011 21:54

Caboose - is going private an option?

sternface · 12/12/2011 21:55

How does this solve the REAL problem OP? Like I said upthread, this really doesn't sound like a fight about birth control. It's about who has more power in the relationship. If you decide on a sterilisation, guess that means it's him then.

forkful · 12/12/2011 21:56

Round here, they do vasectomies in a van that parks on B+Q carpark on a weekend. Shock

Round here the van that parks on the B&Q carpark serves beefburgers and fry ups. Grin

NotJustForClassic · 12/12/2011 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 12/12/2011 21:57

Round here, they do vasectomies in a van that parks on B+Q carpark on a weekend.

Round here the van that parks on the B&Q carpark serves beefburgers and fry ups

From nuts to soup as they say :o

NotJustForClassic · 12/12/2011 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumcentreplus · 12/12/2011 22:00

My DH had it done done took 20 mins tops...

But it was something he had to want to do...he was all for it..but then it took a year for him to come to terms...I would not expect him to do anything he was not happy with and him the other way around..hence the reason I never took the pill..but explained I would have to have an op...that takes 2 hrs...him 20-30 mins...we used condoms till his op and tbh with-holding causes a rift that makes no sense...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 22:00

forkful I think the vasectomy van serves burgers out the back door

< tries not to think where that bit of gristle they cut out ends up...>

Original poster
nosextoday · 12/12/2011 22:01

forkful you are reading far more into this. It's got nothing to do with power. I just want a relaxed shag without having to worry about pregnancy. I am going to try to arrange non surgical sterilisation. dh can keep his bits intact if that's what he wants. I'd probably never hear the end of it if he did have a vasectomy. He's a total hypochondriac and a wimp tbh. I'm neither so it's up to me now.

He's not having intercourse with me until I've had the procedure though. No more miserable condom encounters as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
forkful · 12/12/2011 22:01

Not trying to push people into the copper coil but my periods were always fairly heavy (never complained to GP about them). I have a copper coil (after trying Mirena). Sure they are heavier but it's a compromise.

You can go via Family Planning Clinic - demand copper coil. If you don't like it demand it out. Play the system as they are being ridiculous withholdng sterilisation.

A PCT should pilot more available sterillisations and see whether PG and abortion rates go down. I bet they do. That would be £££ saved.

forkful · 12/12/2011 22:03
Original poster
nosextoday · 12/12/2011 22:03

I've had two copper coils and I don't want another one. I want sterilisation.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 12/12/2011 22:03

Forkful - yes, I did know about essure - but my PCT won't fund it, and as I am now on IS as a LP, I can't fund it privately either.

Original poster
nosextoday · 12/12/2011 22:04

sternface yes. I got mixed up, sorry.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 12/12/2011 22:05

Tried the copper coil. DS2 came out holding it...

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 22:06

Celibacy suits me for now - only another 2 years to go until I am old enough to go on the waiting list. (God knows how long the waiting list is, I'm trying not to think about the fact that I'm probably going to have to be celibate for the best part of my 30's...)

Original poster
nosextoday · 12/12/2011 22:07

I don't see how they can refuse to fund tubal ligation but won't offer essure either Sad that's awful. Don't they realise that many men refuse vasectomy? If they won't fund essure for me I'll be really upset. BPAS do tubal ligation for £980. I shall get dh to pay for that if I can't have the essure in the neighbouring county.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 12/12/2011 22:15

Sorry but your OH sounds like a wanker..imho

sternface · 12/12/2011 22:16

But why should the NHS provide a more expensive and risky option, just because a couple refuse to try safer and cheaper alternatives?

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 12/12/2011 22:18

We were told when we mentioned vasectomy after dc2 that we may have trouble as dh was 23, not sure if we had pushed it if that would hace been the case though. He will be 28 now and so hoping this still isnt the case?. Is there a cut off age for men at all?

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 22:36

It depends on your local PCT's policy - it varies from area to area.

aurynne · 13/12/2011 00:58

nosextoday, I hope you get the NHS to fund Essure. There are lots of horror stories about it online, but there are lots of horror stories about Mirena, tubal ligation, and indeed any medical procedure. I have had Essure for 8 months now and I couldn't be happier with it, zero side effects and good-bye to all hormones. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to ask anything, I'll be happy to share :)

confuddledDOTcom · 13/12/2011 01:00

Avenged, do you know the complications for a woman having a sterilisation done?

"Vasectomy is a safe and effective procedure for permanent contraception. Vasectomy is 30 times less likely to fail and 20 times less likely to have postoperative complications than its gynecologic counterpart. Complications from vasectomy are rare and minor in nature. Immediate risks include infection, hematoma, and pain." ([[http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19643235?dopt=Abstract
here]])

nosextoday, if the coil is against your beliefs (as it would be mine) why not use that with your doctor? As I said before, I have been through enough (one extreme prem, two sections, one TIA, PTSD, one IUGR, longterm PGP, I have to inject through pregnancy, I'm a thrombophiliac, I go through weeks of labour from about 23 weeks and always deliver early) pregnancy again could land me in a chair, it's a risk to the baby as they will be early, but another operation could leave me at risk of thrombosis (and all the risks of that) or a return of the PTSD. A man who loves me would not put my life at risk so I don't feel very loved when he wants sex! I'm not willing to put myself at risk by giving in to him. As I don't believe in the coil (besides which it's hormonal which is a risk with my thrombophilia), can't use hormones and as Jackin said barrier is not great with a long term relationship, that just leaves abstinence or the snip...

Soup Xmas Grin

olivestanssister · 13/12/2011 01:02

Whoever doesn't want any more children should have the operation.
Problem solved.
Unless both people don't want any more children.
In that case draw straws or suck it up.