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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
Luminescence · 11/12/2011 23:23

He needs to suck it up and have the snip. It's a partnership and OP has contributed plenty already.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 11/12/2011 23:23

Merina does seem to get a lot of 'bad press' but my personal experience has been great.

If you gave it a go and it didn't suit I don't suppose it would take long to 'recover' iykwim.

Luminescence · 11/12/2011 23:24

And sex after the snip is great and very spontaneous because you don't have to stop to put the condom on.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/12/2011 23:25

You can't force anyone of course. But it can affect the way you think about them.

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:25

Yes I've explained peasant He saw me last month bawling my eyes out before I had the miscarriage because I was so scared and didn't want more children. I have health problems and I'm too old to be churning out more babies. I've done my bit. He knows all this. I do talk to him.

OP posts:
HedleyLamarr · 11/12/2011 23:25

YANBU at all. The snip is dead easy. So easy I had it under a local anaesthetic and drove home afterwards. Admittedly, I was the only one of 16 who had a local. Yes, I am a coward too. But, on the upside, I was allowed tea and toast ages before the other cowards, and I was home before them. It feels a bit weird for a few weeks, but there is no real pain. A bit of discomfort for a couple of days is all. Nowt compared to a c-section. XW had one. It took ages to get over.

MysteriousHamster · 11/12/2011 23:26

I don't see how the OP is being unreasonable for not having sex in these circumstances, Kayano.

Do you think she should just do it and ignore the consequences?

mebythesea · 11/12/2011 23:27

Oh and i do follow rythem method and hormone test so i do what i can. Op why not try rythm method? Costs about £20 per month for test sticks.

weblette · 11/12/2011 23:27

Agree completely with that Lumin Xmas Grin

GooKingWenceslas · 11/12/2011 23:27

I would be too angry to have sex with my DH if he refuses to step up when it is his turn. I would find it hard to respect him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 23:27

MY DH was back at work the next day

it's really not a big deal

and certainly no reflection on your virility, in case he has any stupid ideas like that

PattySimcox · 11/12/2011 23:29

I have a friend in a similar situation. She was told that funding is so scarce that female sterilisation is now only done in our health authority on exceptional circumstances.

I don't think that the OP is witholding sex as a punishment, more that the couple need to consider all contraceptive options and celibacy or non-PIV sex is one of them

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:29

thank you HedleyLamarr that's a good insight.

I'm also a bit upset because the antidepressants stopped me from enjoying sex for a while but I'm now finding I'm more in the mood for it but can't have it ifyswim. I even dream about having sex Sad

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 11/12/2011 23:29

YANBU

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 23:29

I made a decision not to have more children, I therefore made the decision to be steralised this was 15 years ago, the procedure now is more straight forward. As someone who likes to be in control I'd say that those who do not want more children should have it done themselves and not expect their partner too.

Men can have kids at 60/70/80 why should you take away their right to have more children if you split up or die.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 23:30

No, but if he wants it sorted to improve her sex life and he is afraid and unwilling then she will have to get it done herself.

If she can't then that's different.

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:31

fabbychic you can't just request female sterilisation anymore Sad I'd love to have it but the doctor told me that they probably wouldn't accept my request and just give me the merian instead.

OP posts:
weblette · 11/12/2011 23:31

Lovely thoughtful sentiment there Fabby Hmm

AlwaysTimeForWine · 11/12/2011 23:31

Mebythesea - thanks for sharing that. We sound so similar but I haven't had any miscarriages - I feel for you.

I always feel like a real abnormality but we are the same - a mere wave of a willy and I'm up the duff. I do feel lucky that we have had no problem conceiving when there are so many couples that struggle to fall pregnant. But it does mean that you have to take contraceptives ultra-seriously as if you have a mishap it usually ends in pregnancy.

My husband does say that he feels quite young to have a vasectomy. We are both 34. But then in the same sentence he swears that he absolutely doesn't want any more children. I don't want to spend the rest of my fertile life (potentially another 8-10 years) trying to avoid falling pregnant!! That's no fun for anyone. If he is so sure then in my opinion it's up to him to sort it out!

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:32

I have requested sterilisation but don't qualify. I'd love it. I'd be over the bloody moon if I could have it. I'd rather have it than him tbh but they won't do it. It costs too much. All I hear is merina, merina, merina.

OP posts:
A1980 · 11/12/2011 23:33

A vasectomy is not 100% effective either. Nothing is.

You still can't relax if he has a vasectomy.

For all those getting at the man becasue you had the children: they can't get pregnant and give birth. If you harbour that sort of resentment towards your DP or DH becasue you had to have the babies and he doesn't go through anything, then you have more to worry about that unwanted pregnancies.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 23:33

Fabby - I didn't have kids with my DH on the basis that he will get bored of me in 10 years time and go off and have some more with someone else Hmm And neither did he, thank God.

I really am astonished at what some of you are putting up with.

Luminescence · 11/12/2011 23:33

My dh had the snip at 34 but it would have been life threatening for me to be pregnant again.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 23:35

the reason why female sterilisation is much less common is because vasetomy is quick, easy and cheap to do

and in a committed relationship, a bloke that wants to keep his options open wrt to fathering future children (when you are both certain you want no more in this one) would certainly make my eyebrows raise...

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 23:35

A1980 - no resentment here. Just that DH sees it as being his turn to deal with the practicalities.

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