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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
SherbetDibDab · 11/12/2011 22:54

My dh had a vasectomy and was at work in the afternoon.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:54

Why are men being scared treated with 'fucking diddums?' and 'cowardly'

Fgs men can be scared just as much as females and shouldn't have
To always be forced to be a 'brave boy' all the time. It's quite sexist

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 22:55

She is his wife, who has carried his children and had 2 c-sections. Who has taken hormonal contraception and had a coil fitted and suffered the unpleasant side effects from both.
That is 'who she is' to request that he have a vasectomy.

I didn't read it that the OP was withholding sex in a 'I won't shag you until you buy me that diamond' way, but that she is very scared of becoming pregnant again.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:56

But he uses condoms!

She can NOT force him to have a vasectomy! If he demanded her be sterilised and she didnt want to you would all be saying that it's her body and her decision!!!

shineynewthings · 11/12/2011 22:57

I'm with Kayano. You are being completely unreasonable and very controlling. I can imagine that if this were thread were presented as a husband deliberately with holding sexual affection unless his wife got sterilised or had something invasive like a coil fitted, more posters would be appalled. If you feel that strongly, sterilise yourself. I feel sorry for your husband.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/12/2011 22:58

It took a long time for my DH to decide to have a vasectomy (he did a lot of negative googling Hmm). Had he decided against it, then I would have requested sterilisation myself. I think that would have been a difficult thing for me to accept though.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 22:58

Thank you shiney! Lot of bloody double standard on MN I find

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:58

He doesn't have a phobia he's just a coward. He openly admits this. He just doesn't fancy his bits being cut into.

I'm already being treated for long term depression so I'm not prepared to take any medication (the pill) which might interfere with my progress. I'm also not prepared to put on weight as it's hard enough controlling weight as it is.

I have emailed the essure people to enquire as to whether there's a doctor in my area who carries out this procedure. I think you have to have it done privately.

OP posts:
A1980 · 11/12/2011 22:58

She is his wife, who has carried his children and had 2 c-sections.

I assume that the OP wanted to have the children or was she forced by her husband?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 22:59

He uses condoms but they fall off because they make him go soft - not exactly a bomb-proof solution there...

AlwaysTimeForWine · 11/12/2011 22:59

No YANBU. Absolutely not.

I am in the same situation. I have 3 children under 6 years old, my youngest is 20 months old but. was a happy accident.

My husband does not want any more children and when I was pregnant with my 3rd DD he said he would have a vasectomy. My DD3 is nearly 2 and he still hasn't done it - despite me raising the subject with him.

I am the same in that hormonal contraceptives turn me into a lunatic - and my husband knows this and doesn't want me to go onto them. The coil doesn't agree with me and we also don't have a great track-record with condoms. DD2 was caused by a condom mishap.

We are super fertile and I have already had 1 termination when DD1 was 3 months old. I have been tracking my cycle and abstaining during all fertile times, I find it very difficult to relax during sex as I am always worries that I will fall pregnant. I am not willing to live without penetrative sex - I love my husband and want to have a normal and fulfilling sex life.

I found out this afternoon that I am pregnant.

Despite taking all the precautions I could, and not actually having that much sex. I am pregnant. I am facing a call to the GP tomorrow to arrange for a termination, which breaks my heart.

Your husband is being a selfish fucker like mine. Female sterilisation is a serious and invasive surgery compared to a vasectomy and the mirena has hormones in so if that affects you then avoid it. And if you continue to ignore the situation you could end up like me. Facing a termination as I am so exhausted from 3 children in 6 years that the thought of another makes me cry.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 23:00

No of course she wasn't forced, but having a family and planning that family is a two-person job, and so far the OP has done the hard part in her relationship.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 23:01

AlwaysTimeForWine :(

WorraLiberty · 11/12/2011 23:02

The stock response when it comes to these things is normally "well you had the babies"

Errrr yes, that'll be because in my albeit limited medical knowledge...men can't actually give birth.

LauraIngallsWilder · 11/12/2011 23:02

I dont think YABU op
I think your dh is BU for fobbing you off - if he has ishoos you should talk about them together and reach a solution.

OTTMummA · 11/12/2011 23:02

Some of you are going OTT on the OP.
I think its time for your DH to step up, it can and should not be all on you OP, i know how horrid some of the side affects are, including depression and extreme violent hormonal mood swings.
Sometimes we have to be a bit selfish, and i for one am sick of having my body messed around with, You have sacraficed a lot of yourself over the years, im sure you were scared about a lot of things you had done/had to do etc, maybe your DH should recognise this, take your lead and take one for the team.
YADNBU

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:03

Also fyi kayano I am not withholding sex. I find sex miserable and totally pointless from my point of view because I can't relax and enjoy it. He's perfectly at liberty to have intercourse with me but he then complains that I don't seem to be enjoying it Hmm I can't win. What is the point of me having sex? I don't see how he can expect me to just go through the motions just because he's too cowardly to have this surgical procedure. I can't even get aroused anymore because I'm so tense. Why the hell should I have to have sex just because it's my duty or because he wants it, or for the sake of the relationship?

OP posts:
Kayano · 11/12/2011 23:03

Look.

You asked him

He said no as he is scared

Therefore you should move on and have it done as you are not scared and have already enquiries into it.

That's all.

splashymcsplash · 11/12/2011 23:04

Have you tried the mirena? There is very little systemic hormones so there is little worry about depression/weight gain.

GooKingWenceslas · 11/12/2011 23:04

YANBU

I'd do exactly the same in your position.

The OP is scared. She is scared of getting pg. The consequences for her are considerable if that happens, clearly.

The DH needs to take some responsibility, and if he is 'fobbing her off' then not having sex might gee him up a bit to get this sorted.

I think as women we go through quite enough. I was scared to have a baby! I was scared to have the G&A and get my coil in. Of course the DH is scared, but we do things so we don't have children we don't want. He needs to bear some of that burden. She has done enough.

Kayano · 11/12/2011 23:05

Your question was AIBU to withhold sex !!!!!!

Ffs! So yes I see that as you saying you are withholding sex. What the hell am I supposed to read that as?! It is in your thread title

Hmm wt actual f?

weblette · 11/12/2011 23:06

:( AlwaysTime

Given it's the OP who would have to bear the physical and mental brunt of the next unplanned pregnancy after already having had major abdominal surgery to bear their children, why the hell shoudn't her dh do something about it?

YANBU

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/12/2011 23:06

Kayano there is no need to get hysterical love. Hmm

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:06

ATFW Sad I feel so bad for you. This is why I get so scared.

OP posts:
GreenIceAndChristmasHam · 11/12/2011 23:06

I wouldn't have sex if I was petrified of getting pregnant again either