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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 12/12/2011 17:09

valium
Sometimes. It depends on the individual's anatomy. OH was going to be done under a GA. He said it was because his shlong was so massive they needed a hoist or something Hmm

It was more to do with how easy it was to get at the various tubes and things

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 12/12/2011 17:19

Several of my friends' dhs and men I know have had a vasectomy. None of them were wild about the idea, but they recognised it would be likely to improve their sex lives enormously, and to have no more worries about contraception must be bliss. I had a coward of a dh and I lived with both fear and an unsatisfactory sex life for 4 years - ironically he is the one who would have been far more devastated by another pregnancy than I would have been! Anyway we are no longer together and I am currently in no danger of getting pregnant.
I don't think YABU but perhaps it could have been phrased slightly differently?
Good luck.
PS oral can be fun!

bugsylugs · 12/12/2011 17:20

nosetoday Xmas Shock re not being able to be referred for sterilisation are you sure that is correct? it would need to be your GP not FPC. So what is it your having fitted. Bit Xmas Angry at you saying 42 too old for lo entirely realise it is not for everyone but quite a cruel statement to some on here.
Mirena more effective than any form of sterilisation after 5 yrs and safest too. Is progesterone only so bit like minipill.

Other options see gp and request/demand referral is your right after all to discuss with gynaecology. 2) try mirena for couple of months tell them it is not for you you have then tried the options and then go for sterilisation

It is your husbands right not to have sterilisation but it is also his responsibility to take responsibility re contraception. By the way family planning website has good info on both forms of sterilisation

Avenged · 12/12/2011 19:55

I'd be very wary of witholding sex until your OH has the snip.

The reason I'm saying is because one of my friends basically told her DH that if he wanted a sex life, he had to have the snip. He did have it and lets just say that the vasectomy put an end to their sex life anyway as he refused to have sex because of the pain he was in after the op. My friend had the vasectomy in 2005 and he's still in pain to this day.

Just wondering if you'd thought about how much pain a 'simple' procedure like a vasectomy can cause?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 20:22

Avenged, complications are vanishingly rare

and pain, in the vast majority of cases, is minimal

why would you come onto this thread with a scare story ? (unless you are a man ??)

Whatmeworry · 12/12/2011 20:30

There are other options apart from condoms,pill an snip.I suggest trying those first.

oldenglishspangles · 12/12/2011 20:48

YABNU - as other have said having children is a two person job. You have done your bit its now your husbands turn to man up. Being scared is a patheticand selfish reason to say no.

Yankeecandlequeen · 12/12/2011 20:54

Haven't read all the replies (way too many!) but you are very very selfish in pushing your DH to have a vasectomy. You & no other woman has the right to force it upon a man. Why do you have such a problem with sterilisation - only cos you've already had 2 sections?

Whatmeworry · 12/12/2011 20:59

I think if a "surgery or no sex" option was put on me it would take but a few minutes to think of a third option....

Original poster
nosextoday · 12/12/2011 21:01

yankeecandle why don't you read the thread? Hmm

I don't have a problem with being sterilised! The nhs are limiting the number they do because of costs. They just tell you to get a merina coil instead.

OP posts:
OddBaubles · 12/12/2011 21:09

If I were a man and I knew that my fear of a vasectomy and previous bad experience of condoms could put the woman I loved at risk of an unwanted pregnancy and all that entails then I do think that would be enough to put me off PIV sex.

racheyroo28 · 12/12/2011 21:14

Am in exactly the same predicament as am accidently pregnant with my 3rd child and wanting my husband to get a vaesectomy eventually and he is saying he doesn't want one either! Is a small amount of pain for a man to go through for a short space of time and don't think it is a case of being scared, think they see it as their manhood being taken away from them, like neutering a dog!!! My dad had one many years ago now and as he so crudely put it 'No snip, No dip!' Also male sterilization is more effective than female and also a lot less invasive, they do it at our local doctor's so that says it all really!

Ilovedaintynuts · 12/12/2011 21:21

I am disgusted at the attitude of some of the women here.

A man is 'a bit scared' and that gets him off the hook for contraception! Bollocks to that.

I am in the same situation OP.

I have 3DC's and do not want anymore and neither does DH (stronger feelings about it than me).

My youngest is 15 months. I have tried the mirena (terrible side effects - pulled it out) three types of pill, the diaphragm and DH hates condoms. The only thing I haven't tried is the copper coil but I already have heavy periods and my doctor advised against it.

When I was pg with DC3 my Dh promised to have a vasectomy. Now he doesn't 'fancy it'.

He asks me all the time when I'm going to try a copper coil. I don't want to risk all that bleeding and the hassle that goes with heavy periods.

I am witholding sex for about a week at ovulation time. He is not happy but we are at a stalemate. I could have a sterilisation but I feel like I've been through enough - I don't get sick pay from work either and he does.

Men can be so selfish Sad

Original poster
nosextoday · 12/12/2011 21:23

I'll just have to get on with it. I'll have to see the gp for referral to the hospital that carries out the essure sterilisation. I hope I'll be able to because it's not in my county. It's £3000 to have it done privately and I can't afford that Confused

OP posts:
HedleyLamarr · 12/12/2011 21:28

Valium, I had mine in the nineties. I know I was the only one having a local 'cos when the nurse asked me if I'd had anything to eat or drink that morning, she was horrified when I replied that I'd had 2 cups of tea and 2 slices of toast. She actually shouted "this one's having a local", and everyone else turned towards me. Nowt to worry about. 'Tis a piece of cake.

HedleyLamarr · 12/12/2011 21:31

Having the snip was my decision. I brought it up with XW and she reluctantly agreed, even though neither of us wanted any more dcs.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 21:33

Round here, they do vasectomies in a van that parks on B+Q carpark on a weekend

BlissfulMistletoe · 12/12/2011 21:35

why not pay for you to be sterlized.

www.mariestopes.org.uk/Fees/Womens_services/Female_sterilisation.aspx

it maybe a compromise

BlissfulMistletoe · 12/12/2011 21:36

it cost £1385

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 21:39

compromise ?

really ?

HeadfirstForGabrielsHalo · 12/12/2011 21:40

Our local GP does them, 15 minute minute job with a local, and he has a lot of satisfied patients :)

I can't believe some people think it's more reasonable for the OP to be sterilised than for him to have a vasectomy. Neither of them want more dc, both are responsible for contraception, and a vasectomy is both phsically and financially (for those in despair at the state of the NHS) a much better option.

HeadfirstForGabrielsHalo · 12/12/2011 21:43

Does your dh have any friends that have had a vasectomy that he could talk through it with? All the men I know tht have had it done say it's no biggie, (the op not that Xmas Wink)

Caboose · 12/12/2011 21:46

I've found it a nightmare getting a doctor to 'let' DH and I have more permenant contraception. We have 2 DS's; DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 10 months. Before I even fell pregnant with DS2 we had decided that we'd only have two children - I hate being pregnant and having another CS and the PND for a third time makes me feel physically sick. We are extra vigilant, and use condoms which we used for two years before DS1 came along with no problems. I've tried pills which don't agree with me, but not the copper coil as it was ruled out due to extremely heavy periods. Basically, the doctors want me to use the Merina, although I am very reluctant as I have other health problems that I think would be exacerbated greatly - this falls on deaf ears and they keep pushing.

My DH is very willing to have a vasectomy - would do it tomorrow, but he is too young apparently (28) and if something happened he wouldn't be able to have anymore children. He explained he was totally ok with this, but to no avail. I am also too young for permenant contraception according to the doctors, for the same reasons (26).

I really hope everything works out for you nosextoday. Although I have a willing DH, we are just as stuck which can make me very anxious about sex, however hyper-cautious we are.

SoupDragon · 12/12/2011 21:48

I think if a man isn't prepared to go through a little discomfort and overcome fear in this scenario he's a bit of a selfish wanker.

Obviously a true phobia would be different but I bet it is just "ikkle diddums" wibbling.

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 21:49

OP - YANBU. MY PCT refused to sterilise me, as I was too young, and didn't meet their criteria, despite the fact that I have been asking to be sterilised for 10 years since I had dc2. I have had another 2 dc since then. I am STILL too young. Hormonal contraception is at BEST 85% effective for me due to other meds. Which means that every time I have sex, I had a 15% chance of falling pregnant. I had a coil and had to have it taken out. I have the same problem with the implant and the jab, that my meds lower the effectiveness. My Ex-P was allergic to the spermicide on condoms. The MAP isn't fully effective due to my meds either.

My Ex-P would NOT have a vasectomy.

I was NOT WILLING to put myself in the situation of falling pregnant again. EVER. My take - no snip, no sex. The ONLY options I had to stay NOT pg were for him to have the snip, or for us not to have intercourse. Oral sex makes me physically vomit (and that is receiving as well as giving). Anal sex HURTS.

Note the EX in EX-P. He will NEVER get the snip. I am now happily celibae in the knowledge that I WON'T GET PREGNANT. When my PCT agree that I am old enough to get sterilised, then I will be.

OP - YANBU. No snip, no sex IMO.