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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 11/12/2011 23:35

Kayano - Im really shocked by your attitude
Why should the op (or anyone) be 'forced' to have sex and risk pregnancy just because their DH is scared. Why should she have invasive surgery just because he wont even consider taking responsibility.
Women are scared of pregnancy....................... Women are scared of giving birth (even more so when they have had several already surely?)

My ex is terrified of all needles and any medical intervention but if I was in the OPs position he would have had a vasectomy without a doubt. He wouldnt like it, he would be scared but he would have coped!
Just like I coped when I gave birth to our children!

Both partners in a relationship need to take responsibility for contraception.
I would withold sex if I was in the ops situation

Alwaystimeforwine :( Hopefully your dh will now reconsider?

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:36

dh is over 50. He won't be wanting anymore children even if we did ever split up. He's adamant he doesn't want anymore. I asked him after the miscarriage and he said no way.

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 11/12/2011 23:36

AnyF you speak a lot of sense :)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 23:37

my DH was 34 too

and unless there is a history of early menopause in your family, you still have up to 16 yrs fertility (not 8-10) left in you at the age of 34 (as a female)

weblette · 11/12/2011 23:37

I relax a damn sight more after dh's vasectomy and him waiting to get the proper clearance afterwards than I did when on the pill and coil - Mirena fell out and missing one day's pill was enough to account for dd.

Agree with anyfucker too.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 23:39

OP after everything you have said, your H should have a vasetomy

no question in my mind

show him this thread

splashymcsplash · 11/12/2011 23:39

OP You still haven't said why you wouldn't consider the mirena. Or have you already tried it?

AlwaysTimeForWine · 11/12/2011 23:40

A1980 - I don't think any of us are having a go at our men because we had to have the babies. We chose to have them! In the same way that our partner chose to have them with us. I don't resent my OH for the fact that I carried our 3 children - I love him for being my partner and their father. However, we have now chosen that we don't want any more babies and I feel that I have gone through enough interference with my body and am asking my OH to understand that and take the responsibility himself.

He is fertile all the time. We are fertile for 5 days a month. Why should the OP go through an invasive proceedure or accept a shitload of hormonal interference all month for 5 days of fertility when he can take the responsibility and take the pressure off the OP so they can have an enjoyable sex life again??

Luminescence · 11/12/2011 23:41

A lot of pregnancy after the snip are people who don't get the all clear properly afterwards. There weren't any swimmers left for DH!

Original poster
nosextoday · 11/12/2011 23:41

Thanks for all the replies. I'll see if I hear from the essure people. Perhaps dh will pay privately to have that done if he's determined not to have this vasectomy. I don't think I'd relax with a diaphragm either.

To all the people who's dh's have had a vasectomy. You're all lucky girls Envy

I guess it's just one of those things dh has some good points but being brave isn't one of them Sad

OP posts:
A1980 · 11/12/2011 23:43

You're right AlwaysTime for Wine et al! I'm sorry OP!

Come to think of it, isn't there a no needle vasectomy procedure that is available on the NHS?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 23:43

he is quite pathetic Sad

GreenIceAndChristmasHam · 11/12/2011 23:43

Funnily enough my DH didn't exactly skip to the hospital for his vasectomy. He wasn't all excited, counting 'X more sleeps!' until the big day, and when he got there the waiting room wasn't full of men squeeing and squabbling over who went first.

But he had it done because it was the sensible, grown up, loving thing to do.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/12/2011 23:46

I do rather agree with Fabby that if you don't want children, then you need to take responsibility for not having them. Given that the condom is not working effectively, then for the OP's DH, the alternative for him is a vasectomy, or no PIV sex.

Anything else is abdicating his repsonsibility to someone else. Who then gets to choose herself.

AlwaysTimeForWine · 11/12/2011 23:47

Thanks AnyFucker - 16 years more fertility - I may just go and walk off a cliff!!

My H and I did have a good chat this afternoon and I took the test and had a little weep. I think this has scared him into having a vasectomy because the worst has happened. He has realised that we have to do something and that it's not fair for me to not only take full responsibility for contraception but also to take the full physical consequences when that fails. Especially as the morning after pill doesn't work on me!

I actually feel quite relaxed as I know that we have made a decision about what we are going to do and that I am having a termination. But I would rather not be doing it as it makes me very sad. If I keep falling pregnant every couple of years I would have to have another 8 terminations and all the heartache they bring. He could have 1 simple operation and it's done!

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 23:52

For me I had split with the kids dad, I knew that I would never have children with another man as I didn't want children with different fathers, hence my choice.

Its a shame that women cannot have it done as easily as before.

If you have to withhold sex for him to man up, then do it.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 11/12/2011 23:57

It doesn't sound like your sex life is that much fun for you anyway OP. Sex is not just about letting a man have a go on you. Male sterilisation is a lot easier and less invasive than female sterilisation, but it's still understandable that a man might not want to undergo the procedure but if no more children are wanted, the man's options are vasectomy.proper use of condoms or no PIV. He doesn't get to carry on ensuring his needs are met and expecting the woman to put up with it/take risks with her own health just so he can continue spunking in her when he feels like it.

OTTMummA · 12/12/2011 00:00

I feel so sorry for you OP, and AnyFucker is right, your dh is so pathetic, he won't do this for your relationship Sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 00:02

Always I am really sorry that it took you having to experience such a traumatic thing for your husband to step up and share his responsibilty in this Sad

aviatrix · 12/12/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotnOtter · 12/12/2011 00:17

surely if you tell the doctors about your life they will listen?
demand sterilisation - i would - i've lived the last twenty years without taking hormones -id rather be cut tbh
i too would refuse the mirena
people get gastric bands don't they - doctors don't just say - ' eat less - same result but cheaper'

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 00:18

any doctor worth his/her salt would advise that the male partner in a committed relationship where there is a definite decision not to have more children have a vasectomy over a female sterilisation

BustersOfDoom · 12/12/2011 00:20

This just makes me so angry. How can a bloke think that a local anaesthetic and a 20 minute op comes anywhere close to the pain and discomfort of natural childbirth or a CS? It's just being utterly pathetic! Do they think their balls are so much more sensitive to pain than female genitals? Diddums!

Two of my DM's friends got pregnant when they thought they were going through the menopause. Neither of their DHs would have the snip because they were scared. The eldest lady was 49 and all her 3 other children were at uni. She didn't find out until it was too late because her symptoms were passed off as 'the change.'

DP would happily have the snip but I'm on Cerazette and haven't had a period for the last year. I'm far more pleased about that - because they were fucking horrible, painful and heavy and happened every fortnight - than I am about having to use a condom for a few days every month. Oh and FabbyChic I put on 2 stone when they started me on Cerazette. I'm losing it slowly but I'd rather cope with that than what I was putting up with before. DP having the snip wouldn't change anything for me as I'm better off on the pill.

But I would be extremely pissed off if he refused to undergo a fairly minor surgical procedure that meant I wouldn't have to be worried about getting pregnant for the next ten years. Particularly if I'd undergone a number of surgical procedures to give birth to his children.

Withold sex all you like OP. He sounds like a selfish, chicken shit arse.

poppercondria · 12/12/2011 00:40

Well, you're right not to have sex until you get proper contraception sorted out. So sit down with him and say that. You should both go off to the GP together and discuss your options. But don't have sex you're not enjoying. That's awful. And that's not withholding sex, it's common sense.

You're saying, I don't want to have sex now because I fear the consequences. He's saying, I want to have sex and don't care about the consequences because they won't affect me. You had a miscarriage and he still doesn't care.

You're going to wind up questioning your future with this man. Rightly so.

confuddledDOTcom · 12/12/2011 00:47

I think I got about a quarter of the way through.

I'm in a very similar situation. He was supposed to get it done when I was pregnant with our second daughter, whilst we wouldn't have to wait to be safe because I was "infertile" anyway. Excuses, excuses, working away... it never happened. At 22 months our lovely little girl who was almost EBF decided she liked food and presto I'm pregnant again. So again, he's going to do it whilst I'm pregnant, baby is six months old and I've told him we're not doing anything until he gets the all clear.

Let's see. I've had two sections, under GA one of which left me with PTSD. I can't take hormones as I'm a thrombophiliac. We won't use anything that uses abortion as contraception (I know it's debatable with some but we don't want to have it on us that we may have aborted our babies). With my past history - been under the knife twice because of my health, PTSD from an operation (which can reoccur), my thrombophilia and the fact that pregnancy has had a major toll on my body so we want to go for permanent measures - I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to do it, neither does he but he's bit of a procrastinator! It's simple, can be done in the lunch break, and it's not going to put his health at risk.