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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withhold sex because dh won't have a vasectomy?

210 replies

nosextoday · 11/12/2011 22:30

dh and I can no longer have sex Sad

I can't take hormones because of depression and potential weight gain, bled too heavily on the copper coil and had a pregnancy scare last month so can still get pregnant even at the grand old age of 42. Neither of us want more children.

We have been using condoms but if he goes a bit floppy they come off and end up in the bed. This happened and he didn't even realise so I had to get the morning after pill Hmm

I'm now terrified of becoming pregnant so can't enjoy sex if we do it with condoms. I just lie there hardly moving and just waiting until he finished so I can check that the condom is still insitu.

I've suggested that he has a vasectomy but he is scared and keeps fobbing me off. I'd be quite happy to be sterilised but have been told that because of the cutbacks women are expected to just have the merina fitted.

I am getting a bit fed up and feel that we can't have sex anymore.

OP posts:
HeadfirstForGabrielsHalo · 12/12/2011 01:02

YANBU. You have done more than your fair share of the family planning. It is certainly not BU to withold sex because you fear pregnancy.

I have been sterilised (during last c-section) and the thought of getting pregnant terrifies me now! If hadn't been sterilised I know I wouldn't be able to have sex again without an almost guaranteed form of contraception. DH would have had a vasectomy had I been refused the sterilisation and he is scared of needles too.

I can't use any hormone contraception of any kind, I have BPD and they send me off the scale, I wouldn't use the coil because of personal ethical beliefs and neither of us would have been comfortable using condoms/diaphram, it's not ideal for a couple in a longterm relationship.

I think for a couple that have completed their family being sterilised or having a vasectomy is very freeing It's great to have a sex life without the worry of pregnancy!

HeadfirstForGabrielsHalo · 12/12/2011 01:09

I also want to add, that no you can't force your dh to have a vasectomy but he does need to recognise that he is just as responsible as you regarding safe sex, and he should at least consider a vasectomy as a viable option and look into it (as you too have done with sterilisation). He seems to think condoms are fine as a long term solution but obviously they are not working out for you.

Does your dh not relish the idea of sex without wearing a condom? We used them before trying for our first dc and when we stopped it was such a relief! Xmas Wink

demetersdaughter · 12/12/2011 01:12

The "If Men had to have children" argument is tiring.
If Men could have children they'd be Women.
Condoms anyone?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2011 01:21

nosextoday, could I suggest that you stop seeing it as "withholding sex" and start seeing it as "a non-invasive form of contraception". Because frankly, in your situation, that is exactly why you would be adopting abstinence - not to punish your husband, not to exert pressure on him, but simply to ensure that you do not get pregnant.

Perhaps, once you regard it as simply contraception, without the baggage of "withholding", you can be happier with your choice. Yes, you would prefer to be able to have penetrative sex, but your wish to not get pregnant trumps that. You've tried many other forms of contraception, they've all had drawbacks; lack of PIV is the drawback of this form, and it's a damn sight easier to live with than pregnancy (or the deeply unsatisfying "lie back and think of England hope the condom stays on" that you're currently using).

"I find sex miserable and totally pointless from my point of view because I can't relax and enjoy it. He's perfectly at liberty to have intercourse with me but he then complains that I don't seem to be enjoying it I can't win. What is the point of me having sex? ... I can't even get aroused anymore because I'm so tense. Why the hell should I have to have sex just because it's my duty or because he wants it, or for the sake of the relationship?"
I actually find your description of your sex life quite disturbing. You are agreeing to sex that you don't actually want to have.

warthog · 12/12/2011 02:49

yanbu at all, in any way, shape or form.

yellowraincoat · 12/12/2011 02:56

As others have said, seeing it as withholding sex is a bit weird, but I can understand your anxieties. I find it hard to find suitable contraception too; almost all hormone-based contraceptions have messed up my sex drive and made my depression worse.

We just use condoms; they work for us, although I don't like them that much.

Have you tried the female condom?

kipperandtiger · 12/12/2011 03:09

Why don't you both go to a family planning clinic to see what your options are?

tigerlillyd02 · 12/12/2011 05:06

I personally don't agree with making a man have a vasectomy. The same as you wouldn't expect a man to make you be sterilised.

The reason for it though is you can't guarantee you will be together forever. You could split, meet someone else and want more children. It's quite easy to say you don't whilst in this relationship, but that's never guaranteed.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/12/2011 07:10

tigerlilly - I don't buy that argument. If you are married and you meant you wedding vows, then deciding there will be no more children from your marriage means you operate on the basis that there will be no more children.

Theas18 · 12/12/2011 07:25

Why not mirena?

Groovee · 12/12/2011 07:53

It took my dh over 5 years to have a vasectomy because of all the scare stories. Even right up to when he left me in the waiting room he was shaking. He said the worst bit was the first local injection then it wasn't too bad. I was terrified at being put under GA for my gall bladder and was panicking in the room. Both are similar reactions because you've never experienced it before.

Instead of withholding sex, get a double appointment for the GP and discuss with him types of contraception instead of behaving like a teenager.

Shutupanddrive · 12/12/2011 07:55

YANBU

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 12/12/2011 08:04

Yanbu to not want to have sex under these cicrumstances. You cannot of course force him to have a vasectomy but you do not have to make yourself miserable by having sex either.
My dh will be having a vasectomy after this baby is born, we are both nervous about it as we have been told it may be slightly mre complex than normal as he already had a number of surgeries in that area. I wouldnt say no sex of he didnt at all ( i am 28 and i cant imagine the next god knows how many years with no sex) BUT it would affect our enjoyment as i cannot take hormones because if the effect in my blood pressure and i get thrush when we use a condom - even sensotive ones. This is why i have 5dc Grin and have actually been pregnant 9 times of you count miscarraiges!.

Colliecollie · 12/12/2011 08:11

YANBU

valiumredhead · 12/12/2011 08:20

Mine did too Luminescence at 33.

Hedley I thought all vasectomies were done with local? I've never heard of anyone being put under for it.

Original poster
nosextoday · 12/12/2011 10:11

The essure people have emailed me and there's someone who fits it about 15 miles away from me. She suggested I go to the gp for a referral. I don't know whether it's done privately. Perhaps I could have it done on the nhs. I don't like the sound of it but it does sterilise you if they get it in the right place Confused

I don't want the merina because of the side effects Theas18 and I don't want another coil due to my beliefs. Coil just means anxiety and guilt for me.

OP posts:
Jackin · 12/12/2011 14:14

I had a vasectomie earlier this year at my own instigation, because we had our ds and decided to stop at one. But the other reasons were I didn't want my wife running all the risks with regard to pill etc. Also condoms are good and nessacery (sp) when you're single but crap to use in a long term relationship. There are risks as in being left in constant pain at the worst and it just not working at the least. (my friend had his done months before me and is still not clear) the injection at the start isn't nice at all. And the laser kept touching my skin which DID hurt. But generally it wasn't to bad. It took me a week to go back to work because I have a very physical job. I think the op's dh has a right to be scared as has the op, but he also has a duty to her to do it. Good luck op!

NinkyNonker · 12/12/2011 14:41

Yanbu. At all. I am terrified of giving birth again after last time, terrified. But come hell or high water I will be giving birth at some point in the next 22 weeks because we decided that we wanted another child to add to our family. We all do things we are scared of from time to time for the good of those around us, that we care about, it is part of being a grown up.

oldmerryolesoul · 12/12/2011 16:48

OP.. Why dont you qualify for sterilisation ? you said hormonal methods dont agree with you and Mirena is hormonal and this should be taken into account though think your DH should stop being a wuss and get snipped

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/12/2011 16:50

Scared of a vasectomy?

It's a day hospital admission. DH drove home straight afterwards.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 12/12/2011 16:56

It is a much bigger op for a woman than a man.

He doesnt want kids so why should he take some responsibility?

Jeez.

My OH didnt exactly relish the idea but he recognised it was his turn and a vasectomy would have far less impact on him than sterilization would have on me.

OrmIrian · 12/12/2011 16:58

Nope. YANBU. What is he scared of exactly? Genuine concerns about something going wrong? Or just a general wibbliness about ops in the area of his pride and joy?

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/12/2011 16:59

Our vasectomy conversation was:

"DH, I'm 40 and am at increased risk of losing bone density if I continue with the pill, so it's your turn. Condoms or the snip?"

"The snip"

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 12/12/2011 17:06

Mine was
'you need to get a vasectomy'
'No way'
'Ok so you want more kids then?'

He booked his appointment that very afternoon.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/12/2011 17:09
Grin