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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

213 replies

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:36

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/12/2011 21:39

hmmm, I think I would have beeped the horn.

However I think at some point you would have had to do the drive off to get through that you really mean reading and waiting!!!

On balance YANBU

UniS · 08/12/2011 21:40

Was it raining? If it was then yes, bit rude.
Was this the first day of the "new rules", if so, yes, bit mean.

Have you synchronised watches?

TheFestiveWife · 08/12/2011 21:41

Nope not at all. I remember your previous thread. It's crap for her she has to start at 8. But you're doing her a favour and if she can't have them ready then that will cost you to be late for work. She's just going to have to suck it up, especially as you're doing it for free.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 08/12/2011 21:41

a little harsh maybe, how do you know your watch isn't a minute fast? If you don't want to do it just say so.

AKMD · 08/12/2011 21:42

No, I don't think you were. I posted on your other thread and think you've already done more than enough. You made yourself very clear and the first morning of your new agreement, she was keeping you waiting. If your friends are so shocked then maybe they should be the ones helping out instead.

However... I hope you've synchronised watches. No two clocks/watches in my house run to the same time so she could well have thought she had 5 minutes to get them out of the door when you turned up.

UnexpectedOrange · 08/12/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thenightsky · 08/12/2011 21:43

Bit harsh. I would have beeped if this was the first time it happened. If she keeps being late, I'd make the point of driving off.

Answeringwhyquestionssince2002 · 08/12/2011 21:43

Do they have a track record of being unreliable time-wise? If not, your actions might seem a bit harsh. However as a childminder who has given free before/after school care to friends and regretted it big time, my inclination is to sympathise with you and say YANBU

FabbyChic · 08/12/2011 21:43

You said if they werent there you wouldnt wait, she should make sure they are there before you turn up not after you are there. You done the right thing, you aren't getting paid it is costing you money in petrol as it is. You could spend the extra time at home with your own kids if you had the time, you dont.

Dont apologise.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/12/2011 21:44

No - you are not being unreasonable. In fact, you are going out of your way to help this woman, and she needs to keep up her end of the bargain. After all, I'm pretty sure it is a damn sight easier for her to get her kids ready at the front door than it would be for her to find and finance before-school care, and coordinate getting there in time to get on to work.

thisisyesterday · 08/12/2011 21:44

i don't think it would have hurt to give them a minute or 2. would it?

that would be a nice thing to do.

alternatively, if it's such a major hassle for you then just don't offer.
I can't think of anything more stressful than trying to get my kids out of the door bang on time whilst worrying that their lift would just go without them and then having to get them there myself.

so why not just say you don't want to do it?

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2011 21:45

I don't think that should have to be waiting outside, considering the weather. However they should be ready to walk out of the door.

It would be no different if she had to catch a bus or take them herself, she would have to be ready by a certain time.

I think you should be prepared to beep, but make it clear that you will only wait for up to two minutes, just to allow for an unexpected trip to the toilet for the youngest.

TattyDevine · 08/12/2011 21:45

YANBU unless they were ready with shoes on and waiting in the porch or something but it doesn't sound like they were.

If I was her I would seriously be having kids ready with coats and shoes (I don't care if they swelter) at half 7, on the sofa watching TV so they are ready, even if I had to sacrifice an hour's sleep to get to that point.

You are doing her a favour, end of, and she's very lucky.

The fact that "other friends" think you were out of order suggests she's had a good old rant behind your back which would make me seriously disinclined to carry on with the agreement though!

TattyDevine · 08/12/2011 21:46

If it was me and the first day of the rules, I would have knocked, and said "tomorrow I wil not knock, are you ready?" and if they weren't I'd say, "sorry but I have to go" and done a "near miss fake-out" and then implemented mega hard arse no more mrs nice guy from tomorrow on.

WhoopsyLa · 08/12/2011 21:46

Harsh. You should have waited one minute.

FabbyChic · 08/12/2011 21:46

She is already being nice by being an unpaid child minder who uses her own car at her own expense to ferry her friends kids to Breakfast Club, life should not be a round of one sided favours. If someone wants you to do something for them the least they can do is make your life easier.

DillyTante · 08/12/2011 21:47

Not read the previous thread, but it does seem a little harsh. How about telling her you will pick up at 7.40, giving you five minutes grace.

MabelLucyAttwell · 08/12/2011 21:47

Give them a minute or two while you wait for them and it will becme longer as days go on. They will have learned that time is time and 7.45am is 7.45am not 7.50am.

TattyDevine · 08/12/2011 21:48

Anyway, what have you agreed for tomorrow? Bet they are ready and waiting! Stick to your guns.

Oggy · 08/12/2011 21:48

Well I haven't read previous thread which clearly has relevant background info.

But, based on this thread alond I think you were being a bit harsh. Not harsh to set the expectation of being on time and you going without them if not, but harsh to expect them to actually be waiting out on the pavement in this freezing weather and drive off barely stopping. Also as another said, her watch may be a few minutes out than yours, hence still putting coats on.

Could they not just wait in the warm until you pull up and then beep the horn. If they don't come out on the beep then fair enough.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:48

Yes, I guess that I don't really want to do it, but I feel obligated because she really is utterly stuck if I don't.

Because it is such a nightmare I want to reduce the stress and hassle for me as much as possible. It sound pathetic but even just having to fold up the pushchair and put it in my boot is a pain in the arse. I have a suit on and don't want to risk getting it covered from the wheels etc. The 3 year old has to go in a car seat and he hates me strapping him in etc. The whole thing is a nightmare.

I don't want to have to add to the stress of it all by having to wait whilst she can't find a shoe or the 8 year old needs to get her homework together etc. Believe me that is EXACTLY what will happen if they are not completely ready and waiting for me.

It was cold, windy and raining - terrible weather.

We don't check watches etc. By car clock it was 7.48 when I left there.

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 08/12/2011 21:49

Did you synchronise watched on agreeing this arrangement? Hmm

I think you were too harsh. You should have beeped your horn and waited a minute - if no sign after that, then you could have gone. Bit too bloody regimented IMO. To not have even properly stopped is shite, IMO. Sounds like they didn't even have a history of being late, was this the first time you'd done the 7:45 pick-up? Sounds like you worked yourself up about a potential problem that you forgot that there were actual people involved that rely on you.

Either you're happy to do it or you're not.

rookiemater · 08/12/2011 21:49

Does seem a bit harsh but if she needs the lift then she will make darn sure from now on that the kids are ready on time.

sweetsantababy · 08/12/2011 21:50

nope yanbu. stories like this shock me. you are doing her a huge favour. prehaps tell her a 5 mintue earlier time?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 08/12/2011 21:50

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