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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

213 replies

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:36

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

OP posts:

AnotherMincepie · 12/12/2011 21:26

YABU. You could at least have knocked on the door.

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 12/12/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 21:40

Here here sugar I agree.

clam · 12/12/2011 21:51

And what difference would knocking on the door have made? Apart from being even more of an effort for the OP. The "mate" wouldn't have been ready any quicker. All it would have meant is the OP having to stand there like a lemon watching the coats/shoes/bag-packing palava. Or worse, being roped in to help.

Sudaname · 12/12/2011 21:55

I like that old saying -

'A friend in need is a pest'

FetchezLaVache · 13/12/2011 08:57

YY sugar and clam- and it would have sent out a message to the friend that it's fine to keep Pingu waiting in the mornings.

clam · 13/12/2011 09:13

Actually, this is a horribly precarious position to be in - for both the OP and the 'mate.' The mate's job seems to be wholly dependent on a massive favour from this one friend and could therefore go tits up at any point. It also puts the OP under enormous pressure, when it really shouldn't be her problem. The mate really ought to have a viable and sustainable back-up plan.

Davsmum · 13/12/2011 09:21

I used to give a friend a lift to work and I got really stressed every day because sometimes she would keep me waiting 20 minutes and made me late. I hate being late for anything and she knew this very well. After a couple of weeks of it I told her very clearly that I would wait no longer than 5 minutes and then drive off.
The very first day I actually waited 7 minutes,.. thought 'she is taking the piss' and I drove off.
She was horrified and we had a big row about it,.. but its not like she had not been warned.

I don't think its unreasonable at all to expect people you are doing a favour to make the effort to be on time in those circumstances.

shewhowines · 13/12/2011 09:58

Just another YADNBU
You need to start as you mean to go on and be consistent.
Just out of interest how is your relationship now? is the conversation now really strained about everything all the time? - because if your friendship is already ruined then you might as well stop the lifts and stress. If you manage to get on well at other times and the friendship is worth saving then carry on as you are, as that is the only way to stop your resentment and save the friendship. Definitely make clear the ground rules and stick to them religiously.

rainbow2000 · 13/12/2011 10:40

For Gods sake just tell her you are not able to do it.Your hours being changed was your chance to escape.Its not your problem you have done all you can and now enough is enough.

MarthasHarbour · 13/12/2011 10:41

Another YANBU

I remember your last thread and thought you were being a saint with the previous arrangement. I also think that if she can be ready for 7.20am to take the piss when she dropped them at yours then she can be more than ready for 7.45am in her own home.

I cant add anything to what the other YANBU's have said, you are doing her a massive favour as it is and it would piss me off no end.

Thought you were uber brave to drive off on Thursday BTW - well done!

FetchezLaVache · 13/12/2011 15:35

Davsmum- I can't believe your friend actually had the sense of entitlement to have a row with you about driving off when you'd warned her that's what you'd do! What happened after that? Was she on time for you after that? Are you still friends now?

Davsmum · 13/12/2011 15:42

FetchezLaVache,
Things were a bit strained between us,.. but I stuck to my guns. I don't think she really believed I would do what I had said.
She was on time for a few days afterwards but she then said it was far too difficult to promise to be on time, that I knew she found it difficult to get ready on time,.. and so she would make other arrangements,.. however, she said it as if I was the unreasonable one !
I couldn't really care whether she disliked me for it or not,.. and no, we are not still friends although we keep in touch occasionally.

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