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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

213 replies

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:36

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 10/12/2011 21:58

That's good op, mabey her circle of friends can do the lifts instead and see how they like it. You do not sound like you are happy with the arrangement, i would give her some warning and put a stop to it tbh.

iFailedTheTuringTest · 10/12/2011 23:52

YANBU, op. I Have had several lift share arrangements in my time. Always with the provision, if you aren't stood outside, you don't ride (i have been both driver and rider) and as for Tooting the horn, if you did that near my house early in the morning on my days off, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you. And our grumpynight shift neighbour would kill you too.

IDontDoIroning · 11/12/2011 08:28

Sounds to me like she's looking for excuses before the new arrangements even started by asking if she can text you if she's running late.
It's obvious by the way she slagged you off to friends that she's feeling very entitled to this favour,
I don't believe that she fully realises what a huge favour she's having from you. As someone said above she is deriving an economic benefit from your goodwill ie to be able to work and earn money.
Well done for driving off, hopefully she will stick to the new arrangements next week,

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 08:36

I got embroiled in teh lift thing - in the morning its fine - I go past the end of her road, and she's either there or she isnt!

But at night its a bloody annoyance. She'll get in the car and announce she needs to go shopping/wants a cashpoint/is going to the doctors etc etc - they are all only little detours but you can bet your bottom dollar it'll involve a monumental amount of traffic because of road works.

I've wised up and asked what her plans are - then announce mine take me in the opposite direction Grin.

She never offers petrol money either - and I've frequently been to the petrol station with her in the car (just to make a point)

LovesBloominChristmas · 11/12/2011 10:23

Well done, although it would have been a very well done if you'd told her that in the new year you wouldn't be able to do it.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 11/12/2011 10:35

What you have done is given the clear message that this is a huge inconvenience for you and you are doing it on suffrence and you'd really rather not be doing it at all.

I think that if she has any brains at all (to get that message) she will be making alternative arrangements anyway, (cos it's not nice to feel that someone doesn't want to be helping you) so this won't be a long term arrangement anyway

belgo · 11/12/2011 10:38

Hecate I don't quite agree with you; what the OP is doing is making it clear that if she has to wait, or is held up by her friend, then that is a huge inconenience to her. And I agree with that.

But I do think the friendship is on borrowed time because of this, which is a shame.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 11/12/2011 11:04

I agree with that too. But if someone had said to me, well, I will pick your kids up but make sure they are waiting outside because I will not wait even one minute, I won't knock at your door, I won't pip and if you aren't outside I will just drive straight off - and did so, and then said you know what, I won't even come outside your house, I will now drive by the main road and if you aren't waiting on the corner I will carry on driving...

I would interpret that as this is a huge inconvenience for them and they are doing it on suffrence and they'd really rather not be doing it at all.

And I'd make other arrangements.

Now, I'm not saying the OP is wrong for feeling how she's feeling - I just think either you do something willingly or you don't do it at all, and I really think she'd rather not be doing this. And that comes across. And I think she'd be better off just coming out and saying this isn't working for me, you will have to make other arrangements.

gettingeasier · 11/12/2011 13:18

YANBU.

I read your other thread and I think its a shame you didnt take the opportunity to stop this arrangement with the new working hours.

Just what everyone else said especially that when she was dropping them at your house it was earlier than agreed and yet now shes asking can she text you if shes running late...

The absolute deal breaker though is that she has clearly complained about you driving off the other day instead of feeling embarrassed at putting you to the trouble of going to her house and her not having the DC ready.

Shes very fortunate that you are still willing to help her

StarbuckIzzy · 11/12/2011 14:05

You are doing her a massive favour and I know it's hard to get kids ready in the morning and get out the house on time
to having to go collect her kids and wait for them
must be very frustrating for you.

YANBU expecting them to be outside on time and saying you will leave if they're not ready. Otherwise you will be late for work yourself, which isn't fair at all. However I think you were a little U to have done it on the first day, perhaps she didn't realize how serious about timings you were.

It's done now though, so no point stressing about whether you were BU or not, and I bet he won't be late again. As for te mutual friends telling you that you were BU, well it's none of their business, you could always suggest they help her too and you all take turns to collect her kids in the morning!

Also- she must realize how much hard work it is for you, can't she get a Childminder?

StarbuckIzzy · 11/12/2011 14:09

Sorry, just re read your OP that there are no childminders in the village before 8am, why doesn't she request flexible working hours so she starts a little later? Perhaps offer to sit with her and sort out her childcare situation. What if your kids are ill, will he still expect you to take hers?

I'd do this, but only for a very good friend, does she help you when you need it too?

pigletmania · 11/12/2011 14:23

I agree with hecate its obvious you don't want to do it, why don't you just tell her that as from such and such you will not be able to take her as its just not working.

diddl · 12/12/2011 07:11

I also think that it´s obvious OP doesn´t want to do this anymore-especially since her hours changed.

But I´m thinking that like many, she finds it hard to say no/doesn´t want to let the other mother down now that she has started helping & was perhaps hoping that the other mother would have the sense to look for an alternative when the OP´s hrs changed.

pigletmania · 12/12/2011 07:45

Obviously not diddl that is why op has to be upfront with her. Op does not sound like she is doing this because she wants to, but because she feels that she has to as the friend is stuck between a rock and a hard place. How long can this go on, with op feeling like this. The friend has options, she can move to a more urban location, change jobs to a nearer location, or negotiate with her work place more flexible hours. I don't drive, failed many tests, but never would I live in a rural setting, unless it had very good bus and rail links.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 12/12/2011 08:24

Put it this way, if someone was doing me this favour, and I had no alternative solution, the kids would be on the doorstep at 7.40 every day, poised to leap into the car with minimal fuss.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You need to get to work. Why should you be late because she can't get organised?

valiumredhead · 12/12/2011 08:36

Can she text you if she's going to be late? Wtf? How about making damn sure she ISN'T late?!

OP I like the idea of waiting in the corner - hopefully that will focus her a bit more and won't make you late.

PattySimcox · 12/12/2011 08:43

Maybe the answer to "Can I text you if I'm running late?" is "Yes it will save me having a massive detour as I will just go straight from my house as I won't have to come to yours"

diddl · 12/12/2011 08:45

Yes, maybe the OP should just tell her no more, but I guess doesn´t want to let her struggle.

But I think that as the OP is doing a massive favour, & it should be on her terms.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 12/12/2011 09:28

How was this morning??

HoHoOpotomus · 12/12/2011 09:57

Well I think that is a result Pingu.

For this to work, it needs to run like clockwork. You are doing your bit, now your friend has to do hers. It's either going to be an issue every morning, in which case the arrangement will collapse, or everyone will get into a well oiled routine with it and it will work really well and EVERYONE will get to where they need to be in time.

Sudaname · 12/12/2011 12:06

Patty thats really clever - I like that Grin. Wish l could think on my feet like that with these leachy demanding types.

Gonzo33 · 12/12/2011 12:11

YANBU if you have already agreed exact times with her etc (which it sounds like you have).

SantieMaggie · 12/12/2011 12:24

link to other thread

warthog · 12/12/2011 20:07

thanks Thanks

gettingeasier · 12/12/2011 21:07

[grin]@patty