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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

213 replies

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:36

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

OP posts:
fluffytowels · 08/12/2011 22:27

pingu I hope you actually said no Shock

kerrymumbles · 08/12/2011 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 08/12/2011 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thenightsky · 08/12/2011 22:28

If she had to catch a bus, it wouldn't wait while she put DC's shoes on.

kerrymumbles · 08/12/2011 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zookeeper · 08/12/2011 22:33

I would stop this arrangement before it has begun . It will only end in tears.

breatheslowly · 08/12/2011 22:34

I think that your friends who said you were out of order should either be taking their turns in taking her children to school or should shut up.

vanimal · 08/12/2011 22:35

Why not call her mobile as you leave the house? A missed call, so it doesn't cost you, but it warns her you will be there in X mins time, and she needs to be outside and ready.

I do feel sorry for her, I know what it's like juggling work and children, but she is being a bit of a pain if she's not ready on time, I think I would have driven away too.

And as to your single friend - NO. I would not babysit for anyone who won't ever repay the favour, that includes my very closest mum friend. She told me she would never be able to repay a babysitting favour up front (her DH works long hours, and she couldn't cope with more than 1 on her own). So I don't babysit for her, ever. I know it would wind me up too much.

But my lovely friend who always returns the favour, I have her 2 boys at least once a fortnight, and they are a handful, but she always says thanks and has my 2 roughly the same amount.

You sound lovely, put yourself first, but if you can make it work with this mum by calling her when you leave the house, then do.

SmellslikeSANTAScatspee · 08/12/2011 22:38

As a non driver (keep failing)

You are a freaking saint!

She is taking the piss

When ever I get a lift all is ready a good 10 minutes early. Yes shit happens but not every day.

Remember No is a complete sentence

girliefriend · 08/12/2011 22:39

JUST

SAY

NO

(its not that hard - honest!)

IloveJudgeJudy · 08/12/2011 22:40

Unfortunately, this is what happens if you start doing a favour for someone without any favour in return. After a while they start to expect it. So what has happened is that you have been doing a favour for your friend (taking them to school) for a while, but without her doing anything back so she started to think it was her due and forgot what a big deal it was.

Now, the circumstances have changed. She is not thinking, "Oh pingu has helped me for so long and now her circumstances have changed, but she has not forgotten me, she is still willing to help me, even though it's now even more of an inconvenience for me." She is thinking, "bloody hell, pingu is so mean. Just because I wasn't ready exactly on time, she drove away. How dare she?"

This is common. A friend of mine started to take her mother and her mother's friend/s to a large shopping mall every now and then on her day off. Then it became every week. If she couldn't make it, the older ladies would get quite irate, forgetting that she was doing them a favour.

I think you are quite right, pingu. I think that, unfortunately, you are now going to have to pull out of this arrangement and als unfortunately, you will be seen as the bad guy, not the good guy. I would also pull out of the overnighter for the other friend. Find some excuse. good luck.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 22:41

Well thank you all of you. The majority seem to think I am not being unreasonable. I think that she has learned a lesson. I will see what the next week holds.

I will definately say no to my friend. I will be a coward though and say that my husband wants it to be just family over that time as we have few days when it is just the 5 of us at home. We are normally rushing all over the place.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/12/2011 22:50

No, not at all. She was explicitly told what had to happen for it all to work, and she let you down again. She has no business being pissed off, and is being a bit of a cow trying to get your 'mutual friends' on board. Ignore them all.

pictish · 08/12/2011 22:52

No - don't implicate your husband. That's not fair. Have the conviction to just say no because you want to. You don't have to explain yourself and make excuses, all you need to say is 'the 2nd doesn't suit...I won't be able to do it.'
If she asks why, tell the truth - I don't want to spend my last free morning looking after five kids...I'm sure you understand.

Listen... do not agree to things you do not want to do anymore. It makes you cranky and unreasonable. You are getting a right steam on about your pal there. 7.45 on.the.dot.
You quite clearly haven't got the time to deal with her kids in the morning! Stop doing it - don't keep doing it, but be furious with her for it. Say no.

Yabu regarding the ultra strict pick up rules....yanbu to admit defeat and tell your friend you can't cope with it....before you fall out. xxx

yellowraincoat · 08/12/2011 23:00

Can't believe people are saying you're being unreasonable. You are doing her a favour, she should be grateful and have her kids ready on time. She should get them up 5 minutes earlier rather than leave you waiting for her.

I HATE people who take advantage like that. When someone is late to meet me now, I just walk away.

PattySimcox · 08/12/2011 23:08

Tell her it is not working for you - which it clearly isn't.

Bet if she was paying for a taxi rather than relying on your good will then she would be ready so as not to be clocking up money on the meter

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 08/12/2011 23:17

YANBU good for you, for not being a bloody door mat!

FetchezLaVache · 08/12/2011 23:20

YANBU and I can't believe anyone thinks you are! The new arrangement is already far, far more convenient for her than the old one and it's not like you didn't tell her you expected the kids to be on the pavement ready to jump into your car- you made that very clear. And you shouldn't have to deal with car seats and buggies- why can't she do that for you?

Inertia · 08/12/2011 23:22

I remember your previous thread, and I think your friend does need to appreciate the huge favour you are doing her.

Didn't she drop the children with you before? Could you set it up so that she gets them to you at exactly (say) 7.30, she loads the children and pushchairs into the car, if she is early she waits by the car with her children while you get sorted , and you leave at 7.35 (say) whether she's there or not?

If it's not working I think you just have to tell her that now you start at 8.30 you just can't fit everything in- maybe give her a month's warning to sort something else out.

TheSecondComing · 08/12/2011 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

empirestateofmind · 08/12/2011 23:32

My tuppence worth- don't touch her buggy on the morning. Why does it need to go in your car?

The potty training should start at the beginning of the holidays not in the last week of term surely, I would insist on the 3 year old being in a nappy.

Getting out in the morning to school/work with small children is a nightmare. I found it the most stressful part of the day (I still do even though mine are older). I would never never never have volunteered to take anyone else's child to school.

The fact that your friend has commented to others is shocking and shows a sense of entitlement. She is out of order and for this loses any sympathy from me.

Give it one more week Pingu and if it isn't working just tell her. Or get DH to tell her.

PeelThemWithTheirMithrasKnives · 08/12/2011 23:37

YANBU. I remember the last thread and your friend is a chancer who thinks it's all about her. She overstepped the mark complaining about you to your mutual friends. I think you've taught her a valuable lesson and she will be waiting next time. Don't toot or anything though, a bus wouldn't.

DH and I used to give one of his friends a lift to work. He was never waiting outside and we always had to ring his door. We started phoning before we left (as advised earlier in the thread). He said not to do that as it was disturbing him in the morning Shock. He never offered any petrol money either until eventually prompted possibly by gritted teeth in the car every morning he forked over a tenner (this was months later). Unfortunately Smile this was the same morning we had decided not to take him any more, so I whisked the tenner away and then broke the sad news. Very satisfying Grin

So going by my experience OP you have not done a bad thing but just set groundrules and reinforced them

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 23:41

Hang on, do you get out of your car in your work suit to deal with your friends childs buggy and strap him in?

Honey, you sit in the car, your FRIEND does all that. Not you.

Can you please come and be my friend? I pwomise not to take advantage of you.

Shutupanddrive · 09/12/2011 07:33

I don't think yabu
She should have their coats on and ready to go by 7.40am. She should also strap the 3yr old in and fold the buggy for you.
You are doing her a massive favour and have already told her you will not be able to wait if they are not ready so don't wait. If she managed to get them to your house by 7.20am when you had the other arrangement, then I don't see why she is struggling now

MenopausalHaze · 09/12/2011 07:45

YADNBU - and I can only assume that the people giving you a hard time have never done anything like this for anyone else. I did 7 years of this shit in secondary school and it only took one 'drive off' to concentrate the mind of the person I was helping.