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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

213 replies

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:36

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 09/12/2011 07:48

No. You gave a clear expectation, and a clear consequence.

Her chaos has no right to mess up your day. I am saying this as a chaotic person who is working on it. But your friend? ME when my kids were small. No prior planning, everything left to the last minute! Very inconveniencing to everyone else.

I would offer again, giving some tips as to how to plan ahead and repeat the clear boundary and the clear consequence.

Its the parenting she probably didn't get in the first place. She will learn.

TubbyDuffs · 09/12/2011 07:50

I don't think you are being unreasonable in that you set the terms and stuck to them. However, I really wouldn't have agreed to the arrangement if I was going to be such a bloody martyr about it. If you don't want to say yes to something don't, simples.

cumbria81 · 09/12/2011 07:52

I remember your last thread and YANBU

Yes, on paper, driving off seems harsh. But you're right; you've got to set the precedent. She needs to learn that the kids need to be there at 745 and if you give her lots of leeway by waiting around she won't realise how serious you are.

FetchezLaVache · 09/12/2011 07:52

And tell the mutual friends that unless and until they are prepared to take a few turns ferrying this woman's kids about, their opinion frankly doesn't weigh that heavily with you.

fluffytowels · 09/12/2011 07:59

Pingu, hope it goes OK today.

I agree with last poster. I would actually say in front of your friends (including lift friend) ' actually I'm finding it really difficult to get 5 kids to school on the morning and be at work for 8:30'. Would anybody else be able to take half the mornings to help me?'

That'll shut 'em up. Wink

Angelswings · 09/12/2011 08:04

Happy to see you have found a solution to the first problem even though it means you starting work earlier

Bet she is never late with the kids again. YANBU

If you were a bus driver you would not wait

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 09/12/2011 08:07

You are a teeny bit U OP, I remember your previous thread. Every minute counts in the morning. And I hate people being late when you are doing them a favour.

You have got your point across and hopefully this morning when you collect them all will go smoothly.

Say NO to the other 'friend' who wants you to have her DC in January. That is a piss take!

themightyfandango · 09/12/2011 08:07

I remember your last thread. I think yabu but only in the sense that you clearly don't want this commitment in any shape or form.

It will probably get to the point where their mere existance will drive you nuts.

To be fair to everyone you should end the arrangement altogether.

CailinDana · 09/12/2011 08:15

YANBU at all. You are doing her a massive favour and she really depends on you so she should make it her business to be out and waiting at 7:40. That's what she'd have to do if the children were catching a bus. I can't stand lateness, I think it's the height of rudeness and I would do exactly the same thing you did.

BranchingOut · 09/12/2011 08:17

I am so glad I joined Mumsnet, otherwise without the prior warning of all these horror stories I would probably have been the 'nice' person who gets sucked into this.

Here is my catchphrase for these situations:

Everytime you look after someone's children for free to enable them to work, they are deriving an economic benefit from your free labour.

I think your hours changing should have probably meant the end of the relationship. I say she should come to your house for 7.30 and wait with her children until you are ready to leave at 7.40.

pigletmania · 09/12/2011 08:17

YABVU and a bit mean tbh. Did you not knock on the door, or beep your horn to let them know you have arrived Hmm. Life is not always simple and kids play up or refuse to do as you say, so sometimes she could be a few mins late. If it kept happening on a regular basis, and it was obvious she was taking advantage, I would warn her that if she is not ready on time than you would drive off, and then next time she is late drive off.

pigletmania · 09/12/2011 08:19

It sounds like you don't want to do it, if I were in your friends position and I got to know this, I would feel so uncomfortable. Mabey you should let your friend know that in the future you don't want to do this anymore, give her a months warning so she has time to sort out other arrangements. Basically if she cannot get to work without help than she should not have the job. She should learn to drive.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 09/12/2011 08:25

YANBU. I read your other thread and thought you were a saint as well. Both DH and I have been lift-givers in the past and it's a complete pain in the arse. all very nice in theory but it never turns out like that, even if you're driving past their house every day and think it won't impact.

She knew the rules, all you've done is make her realise that they're set in stone. She either accepts that and gets her arse into gear or she makes alternative arrangements.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 09/12/2011 08:26

And all the people saying knock on the door etc are missing the point. The minute or two it takes to do this has an impact and then that minute becomes 5 minutes and 10 minutes and suddenly you're getting a bollocking for begin late to work every day.

MenopausalHaze · 09/12/2011 08:33

Pigletmania - are you for real? Have you ever done anything like this or are you the entitled beneficiary of such a service? Why, actually, should the OP bugger about ringing bells or worry about whether the other kids are doing as they are told or not or any other permutation of time wasting foolery?

Gwendoline - exactly!

The chaotic life of the friend should have absolutely nothing to do with the ability of the OP to get to work on time.

sue52 · 09/12/2011 08:33

YANBU. You are doing her a huge favour and the least she can do is have her children ready and waiting on time. I would stick rigidly to the rules.

TOTU · 09/12/2011 08:34

YANBU

You have a very tight schedule to stick to and she knows this.

I have to get 2 young children ready to get on a school bus every morning. The bus doesn't wait. The driver doesn't beep. I HAVE to have the children ready, so I get up early. I watch at the window and send the kids out as soon as it arrives.

I also agree, you shouldn't be folding the pram or strapping the toddler in. Let her do it.

You're doing her a favour. She should appreciate it.

Rosa · 09/12/2011 08:34

Would a bus wait ? which is what the Op is doing a bus service .....

maxybrown · 09/12/2011 08:36

I think, OP, you are already riled about it all (understandably so) because of previous experiences with her.If she hadn't been taking the mick to begin with then you wouldn't be feeling so resentful and it would make you feel good to know you were helping someone A LOT and that they really appreciated it.

Like others have said, if I was your friend, my children would have shoes and coats on 10 mins or so early, pushchair folded and ready to go in your car (I am guessing this is because she needs it when she collects them, no?) and watching out for you arriving. Then I could dash out, put 3 year old in car seat and sling pushchair in boot. But then I hate people being late all the time - if you can be consistently late, be consistently early!! We had a friend that was always late and we said if we changed all of his clocks without him knowing, he would STILL manage to be late Grin

I would be unbelievably appreciative if you were doing this for me.

Pursang · 09/12/2011 08:36

YANBU. If they were catching a bus and they were even 30 seconds late they would have missed it. You clearly stipulated the 'terms' when you agreed to pick them up. And I'll bet that they'll never be late for you again!

belgo · 09/12/2011 08:40

YANBU.

As you say a minute will become longer and longer, especially having read your previous thread.

You should not risk getting to your own job on time just to help a friend.

belgo · 09/12/2011 08:41

As others have said, buses and trains don't wait.

Taxis wait, and charge you for it!

maxybrown · 09/12/2011 08:41

piglet if she had to get the kids to a bus on time, I doubt the bus driver would sit there thinking, oh I'll hang on, she's prob had a bit of a morning Hmm plus if her work is a 20 min walk from her house (presumably she could speed that up a bit) then she would also be very keen to have her children parting from her asap so she could be on her way!

pigletmania · 09/12/2011 08:48

menopausal good name! Yes in theory if she was catching a bus she would miss it. So therefore imo op has to tell her that she no longer wants to to this, and give her a few weeks warning

pigletmania · 09/12/2011 08:50

If she can't manage independently without you than she needs to re think her job and arrangements.