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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

213 replies

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:36

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

OP posts:
VFVF · 09/12/2011 11:50

I completely agree YANBU OP.

You are already going out of your way (literally) to help her.

I personally can't stand lateness. It happens to everyone occasionally, but every day, even just a few minutes in that sort of situation would really rile me.

Theirs nothing stopping the mother from getting her children ready on time. They could have their coats and shoes on at 7:35 and can stand at the window. When they see your car coming in they can open the front door and get in the car. (This also solves the standing out in the cold problem, as some people think their children may melt if they have to wait outside Hmm)

Agree with everyone else that a bus would not wait or beep.

And you really need to confront her about whinging to her friends about the other day. Out of order.

You are obviously a very generous friend, and yes she would have serious difficulties getting to work without you. But you seem to be more aware of this than her. She should be fucking grateful.

PattySimcox · 09/12/2011 13:37

Were they outside ready and waiting this morning OP?

whackamole · 09/12/2011 13:48

YANBU. And for the poster that pointed out you arrived at 7.48, so therefore if you can't keep to the time then why should they - are you for real? Walking from your front door to the road is different to driving from point A to point B, also they had had an extra 3 minutes to get ready!

If it was every so often I might wait for a minute, but as everyone has pointed out, a bus wouldn't wait.

TheSecondComing it must be nice to be able to drive everywhere. My OH has been taking the boys to nursery on the bus since they were about one, so unfortunately they had to wait outside in the cold and the rain, and then had a 15 minute walk at the other end. They didn't melt or anything, so I think saying that asking them to wait at the curb isn't on is a bit naff actually.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 09/12/2011 14:33

so how did this morning go?

mumofbumblebea · 09/12/2011 15:03

OP i can't decide if you were unreasonable or not, but i would have done exactly the same thing and i don't blame u in the slightest. i don't think having them wait outside is going to hurt them, if so then all the parents who have to walk their children to school/nursery/bus stop must be bloody heartless! i would stop the arrangement. the fact is that she does have options, if needs be she could move to somewhere where she could get childcare at 7:30 and get a bus or taxi into work if she can no longer walk there. many people have to move for logistical reasons, especially if you can't drive yourself, so that's hardly extreme. also my DP had to ask to start work half an hour later to fit around our childcare arrangements (our nursery also starts at 8 and i need to leave before this to get to my job). she might need to swallow her pride and ask to start later as well (not that much later if she gets taxi from breakfast club to work)

HoHoOpotomus · 09/12/2011 16:27

re people saying knock on the door, give a toot etc, I think you are missing the point. In the mornings I know exactly what the time is pretty much to the minute as probably most households with young kids do.

The OP is there at 7.45 to collect these kids - every day! So her friend has to have the kids ready and waiting at 7.45 every day. It's very simple. Why would anyone need to ring/toot/knock etc to say its 7.45 and I'm here and ready to go??? It's very simple - every day, Mon - Fri OP will drive by at 7.45 & pick up the kids who are ready and waiting. It's down to the other Mum to have her children ready for 7.45. The OP is having to get her 3 kids and herself ready BEFORE THIS TIME so she can collect these other children - guess when? Yes you got it at 7.45! Now half on MN knows whats happening at 7.45 - do you think this Mum will get it and click?

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/12/2011 16:30

YANBU

At all.

BranchingOut · 09/12/2011 16:48

What's the update?

PattySimcox · 09/12/2011 17:06

Oh and if other mother doesn't want her kids waiting outside, then they can wait by the window and go out when they see the OP pull into the cul-de-sac to turn around so that they reach the car as it comes back down the road.

Chandon · 09/12/2011 17:13

yanbu.

She is. She owes you big time and that makes her cranky!

Do it the way it works for you.

Sudaname · 09/12/2011 17:17

I had this dilemma years ago or similiar. I used to pick up a friend for work - same place same shift and it was en route and saved her a lot of waiting at bus stops etc etc. Now l am one of these who hates flying in at last minute at work. I like to have a brew little chat with colleagues etc etc. She wasnt fussed and would always be 'Ethelred the Unready' every single morning meaning l had to dash in and start work straight away like her. In the end l changed shifts or we would have fallen out tbh.

FrozenChocolate · 09/12/2011 21:58

what happened today?

PattySimcox · 10/12/2011 12:56

Come on pingu, we are all dying to know what happened yesterday

MuddlingMackem · 10/12/2011 14:10

Can I just add a YADNBU to the list. I remember your previous thread, and I think your friend is very lucky you're willing to help her out.

As far as all of those saying that the kids can't wait out in the rain/wind/snow, etc, of course they can. Your friend should be treating the lift like catching a bus, there 5 minutes before it's due just in case it's early, pushchair already folded and ready to be lifted into the boot. And yes, the friend should be doing the strapping in, you shouldn't move from your seat.

Best of luck with a smooth running of the arrangement, but don't be afraid to tell her you'll have to ditch it altogether if she can't fit in with your requirements, and don't feel bad about saying that!

Oh, and as far as the tooting the horn suggestions go, as soon as I read the first one I wanted to say don't do that. If I was one of your friend's neighbours I'd be really peed off at a tooting horn every morning, it's a really annoying disturbance when it isn't for your own convenience. Grin

Heleninahandcart · 10/12/2011 14:59

We used to have to drive to meet a school bus which I also paid for. We had to meet the bus on a busy street, stand in the rain/wind/dark whatever every day. That was the bus route, it didn't do house visits.

If we were late, tough. If we were early, tough. If the bus was late, tough. YANBU.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 10/12/2011 16:27

sorry if this has been suggested but if she brought them to you previously why cant she continue to do it so you dont have to go out of your way to collect?

Mendeleyev · 10/12/2011 18:00

Bump! What happened Friday morning?

Eglu · 10/12/2011 18:15

YANBU. Everyones time is precious.in the morning and you are being more than generous.

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 10/12/2011 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 10/12/2011 20:38

Hello. I spoke to my friend yesterday after school and said that so I didn't need to go into her road and turn in the cul-de-sac, from Monday I would like to pick her children up from the corner of her street (which is way out of site of her house/front door) at 7.45 am. Again I said that if she wasn't there I would drive on because I had to get to work and could not be late.

She asked if she could text me if she was running late. I said no because I don't have my mobile on when I am driving and I leave it in my handbag so I wouldn't get it anyway.

This way my friend will be standing with her children and they will be all ready. I won't get out of the car and let her put her 3 year old in the car seat and the buggy in the boot.

She isn't daft, she knows it is because of the other day and me driving off. However, she didn't acknowledge that. She just said 'okay'.

I think this is the best option.

OP posts:
PelvicFloorOfHighTensileTinsel · 10/12/2011 20:43

OP you giving it up completely would really be the best option (for you anyway)! I'm glad you've got an arrangement that's more acceptable but if she ever bitches about you again you should definitely drop the whole thing. I'm assuming she won't always make it on time...

RandomMess · 10/12/2011 20:48

That's sounds such a great suggestion, all the responsibility is firmly on her.

I really hope this relieves your stress.

rookiemater · 10/12/2011 20:50

Well done OP it sounds like what you did the other day has had the desired effect and she knows darned well that you won't be hanging around waiting for them.
She still doesn't sound terribly grateful though so do feel free to review the travel situation if any future problems arise.

HMTheQueen · 10/12/2011 20:56

Surely as she was getting them to your house at 7.20am previously, 7.45am should be easy for her?

Hope this works out for you OP - although I suspect she's going to take the piss a bit and then lose out on what is (for her) a great deal!

jasper · 10/12/2011 20:58

Bill Bryson in one of his books said one thing he liked about British people was they are less likely that Americans to beep the horn outside someones house.

I've never forgotten that and I never perp the horn if I call for a friend.

OP you are more reasonable than is reasonable and your friend us taking the piss