To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

[pingu2209]

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

Am I the only one to wonder how this morning went?

Fingers crossed the kids were outside and waiting, and op got to work on time, after dropping no less than 5 kids off to breakfast club.

You need a strong mug of coffee and the paper to relax each morning after all that!

YA so NBU. If she really needs you then she should come to you not you to her. You tell her when you will be leaving each morning and if she is not there then you will leave, also tell her that turning up early is not on as you have your own family to get ready. You will get your own kids in the car and she should do the same with her own. You are doing her a massive favour after being taken for a ride before and she needs to realise how wonderful you actually are and stop bitching about you for something that was her own fault.

OP I remember your other post and YADNBU.
Do let us know how this morning went, (hope the cheeky cow was ready and waiting).

You were not out of order. She was to have them outside ready before you got there. It is the only way when time is of the essence. You are doing her a favour, a bus would not wait. If she wants them to have a drive, she has to get them out on time. She will just have to start earlier I guess.

Been lurking. What happened this morning?

You're right on Pingu. I used to give a bloke a ride to work and we had a similar arrangement. Morning schedules are always tight and I couldn't wait for him if he was late. It only took me driving off a few times before he was there waiting or he sent me a text saying he was two minutes away and could I wait. You're doing her a favour, she should keep up her end of the bargin!

I worked with the guy across the road, I had my own ride, but he was telling me about these co workers he agreed to drive, as they had no car. He was getting annoyed because they were never out front when he arrived. he's phone and they'd cheerfully say they'd be right out. Ten minutes later, they'd come out. They had to "put their boots on, wait for the elevator". He finally told them the same as you, he's drive by, if they were outside, they had a ride.

Guess who was always outside waiting after missing their ride once?
Oh, and they were supposed to pay him, and always "forgot" so he had to ask.
We drove a "girl" (she was young) home a few times, and she asked if we could pick her up. I told her yes, but she had to pay the driver as I did. She actually said that was unfair as he was driving me anyways! I gave her his number and told her to arrange it between themselves, she never called him.

She also ordered a cooked breakfast from the work cafeteria 10 minutes before we were to start. I got up and left just as she came to the table with her food and she wanted me to wait and go in with her! Late! I said no, I didn't want to be late, of course. She didn't speak to me much after that. Too bad, so sad.

I must add that my DH gets a lift quite often and he always leaves way before he needs to, so he is the one waiting not the person helping him out no matter what the weather is like, he will also walk to where it is easiest for them not expect to be picked up at the door. He also says thank you everytime he leaves their car and would never dream of slagging someone off if they could not help him out and he would just get the bus.

Do you WANT to help her?

If you actually want to do it, you should tell her they need to be ready and waiting by 7.35 by their front door. You'll be there by 7.40.

I think it's pretty unreasonable to expect them to wait in the street in this weather, but you certainly shouldn't have to hang around for them, get out of your car etc.

If it's too much - and I can see that it is very stressful - you just need to say so.

Haven't read whole thread:

OP I sympathise with your situation and yes every minute is precious in the morning. I think you have been very clear with your friend - if you aren't strict then the likelihood is she will be 5 minutes late every day (seems to be human/child nature). What she needs to do is be 5 minutes EARLY every day - and then she has the spare minutes up her sleeve if she needs them. So your friend needs to set her deadline as 7.40 - problem solved. Im always saying to DP its just as easy to be 5 min early as 5 minutes late - and if you can't be on time then be early (he has no sense of time).

Yes it is a little harsh to drive off, but you are on a strict timetable, and you manage to get yourself and your kids ready and there on time daily. I don't even think that the fact you are doing her a favour comes into it really (apart from if I was her I would be extra on the ball not to be late). Even if you were being paid the time constraints are the same.

Perhaps you could wait on the odd occasion - say if she texted you to say child X had just vomited all over clothes and needs to get changed etc - ie for one offs, but as a daily practice I say keep up what you are doing.

Tbh it does not sound like you are happy doing this, but feel you cannot say no as that would be letting your friend down and she would find it difficult to work. But you have to if you are not happy. This cannot go on for the what next 2,3,4,5 years, whatever time that the children are at school. If she cannot manage independently without you, see needs to look long and hard at her situation. Be it relocating to a more urban area, moving jobs and learning to drive.

What happened this morning? Were they ready?

YADNBU-she is taking the piss big time.

I would tell her that enough is enough tbh-and she can ask one of the friends who thinks what you did is so bad.

As for the children waiting outside-so what?

It won´t harm them!

Why shouldn't they wait outside? I see plenty of children waiting outside for the school bus every morning.

I remember your previous thread, Pingu. I said on the other thread but will say again that your friend sounds very selfish with an enormous sense of entitlement.

Like you say, if you do wait then the waiting time each day will get longer and longer, as she takes the pee more and more. I remember you saying before about her 3 year old being demanding and badly behaved. She should be strapping him in the car seat herself and putting the buggy in the car herself too. Like others have said, you have helped her out so much she now sees herself as entitled to it, hence making out you are in the wrong when you won't fit in with her. And like others have said too, a bus wouldn't wait for anyone. If my DD is a minute late for her bus to school each morning, she misses the bus. Simple as. The bus wouldn't phone your friend when it was on its way to her stop, or beep its horn and wait when it gets there, nor would a bus driver fold her buggy up for her.

Oh and I would tell the "friends" commenting on you being out of order to mind their own business.

what happened this morning?

And yes, I too can't see why they can't wait outside. I walk my 7 year old to school each morning with my 2 year old DS and we are outside a lot longer than 5 minutes. As long as her children have coats and hats on they will be fine.

I used to get a lift to college with a friend. The deal was that I would be waiting on the corner when she passed or she would leave without me. If you are doing someone a favour, it's up to them to make life as easy as possible for you.

And I really don't see why you are strapping the 3YO in or putting the pushchair in the boot - I wouldn't get out of the car.

YADNBU

I have read most, but not all of, the thread. YADNBU - you are being very kind and generous to be driving out of your way every day, chauffeuring your friend's DC to breakfast club so that she can work. As others have said, a bus would not wait: she needs to be outside with her DC at 7.40 and it should be them doing the waiting, not you. TBH I would call a halt to the whole arrangement if it is just going to cause trouble with your friends as well as hassle. Whilst I am normally the first to advocate going out of one's way to help others, I reckon you have already done that and you are being repaid with bad feeling, so stop. Your friend needs to be able to sort out her own childcare arrangements around work. We all do. You did your best to help and she did not appreciate it, so stop. She sounds like she has a massive (misplaced) sense of entitlement.

When she next complains say something like "I am so sorry that this is obviously not working out for you, so let's quit the whole arrangement. Then we will be better friends, and you can find a solution that works for you."

You sound very kind and sweet. Good luck.

If I were her, I would be standing inside with the front door open completely ready to run into the car weeping tears of gratitude and regularly giving gifts.

Also Pingu with regards to the friend that keeps asking you to have her children, just say "let me get back to you on that" then you can follow up with a call or a text if you prefer, a few days later, and say "Am going to have to say no to looking after the boys on X date, hope you get something else sorted" and leave it at that, don't apologise or explain why you can't.

YANBU you are doing her a favour and she should be ready and outside for when you agreed.

link to other thread please?

If I was friend's next door neighbour or I worked shifts I would very quickly get peed off with a car tooting their horn out side my house 5 days a week at 7.30am

No. Perhaps she will get the message that they need to be ready and waiting.

Good point belle. I was one of those that suggested the horn tooting compromise and I confess I hadn't really thought of that