To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

[pingu2209]

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

Pingu, stick to your guns you have your own children, you arent getting paid, you stated 7.45 you were 3 mins later than that and they were not ready, if she wants the favour she should be waiting outside at 7.40. Seriously cannot believe you are being told you were harsh or unreasonable.

ITS A FAVOUR, ITS FOR NOTHING, IT CAUSES THE OP STRESS.

Tell your mate if she is that pissed off find someone else to do her running around.

Oh, so you were late? (if it was 7:48 when you left there and you hadn't been there even a minute you must have been)

Do you pass her house and then turn around in the cul de sac?

If so could you beep on the past turn around slowly and she then has to deliver them to car by the time you're pulled up?

As a parent I would absolutely have them in their coats and shoes in the house ready and waiting before the time you were due to turn up.

YANBU. You are doing her a huge favour. The least she can do is stick to the rules. If she doesn't like it, she'll have to find another taxi driver.

Why do ther friends know?

If that was you doing me the favour Id make damn sure Im outside with them five mins before you said you were turning up so I wouldnt make you late, Id put the buggy in the boot,and Id strap the kid in the seat. Id not expect you to do any of that.

Wasntodaybthe first day ofnthe new arrangement?
If so, YABU.

1 - you need to make sure your watch is completely accurate.

2 - you need to NEVER be late yourself - not even a minute. If you won't wait around for the kids, they can't wait around for you. If you can't guarantee not to be late, how can they

3 - if it is actually raining then it's not unreasonable for them to wait in the house, looking out of the window, and run out when you get there

Was today the first day of the new arrangement?

If so, YABU

Nope, YANBU, my bus doesn't wait for me if I am not at the stop on time. So I am there with at least 5 mins to spare.

Getting kids out the door is a PITA so we all get up earlier on my work days.

Thems the breaks free lift and childcare (even if just for a few minutes) would be so helpful we should be poised to leap into the car every morning.

Spotty: my assumption was that the friend would need the buggy to get the 3 year old home at the end of the day.

Don't understand why the friend can't fold the buggy and put in boot and strap the 3 year old in though.

Why cant she get a child minder that starts at 7.30 more to the point.

TBH I don't see that it's any of your responsibility. It's her job, her children, her choice to live in a village with limited childcare facilities. What is she going to do if you go on holiday? Or are ill? Or your children are off sick? This is not sounding like a long-term solution and she should be well on her way to finding one by now.

God your tone is annoying me OP - " I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready"

...So, this hasn't actually happened yet

"she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door"

So they were seconds off being ready, by the front door and not waiting out in the rain and the wind.

YABU. VVVU

Yanbu, I remember the last thread.

If she was there, putting on shoes, she would have opened the front door upon seeing you. ...

In answer to some of the comments. This is not the first day - it is the 4th day (it started on Monday).

If I wait for a minute or two or beep etc. how is that any different from them not being ready. Just imagine the situation, I pull up outside her house and beep my horn, my friend sticks her head out the door and says "I will be there in a minute"... It is never just a minute. Then I can't drive off can I. How would that be? "Sorry but I've given you a minute and they aren't by my car so buyeee". Beeping my horn would just get me stuck waiting.

They should be waiting for me, not me waiting for them.

Why on earth would I get there for 7.40?! How is that any better for me? I'm already doing a huge favour. If I didn't pick her kids up I would leave at 7.50. However, I leave at 7.40 to get them. So I am loosing 10 mins in the mornings as it is. No way would I get there at 7.40 just to make it even easier for her.

As a bit of background from the previous thread. My friend was supposed to drop her kids off at 7.30 each morning but more often or not she came at 7.20-7.25. I was either in the shower or undressed or mid washing my teeth etc. When you have 3 children every minute counts. I spoke to her about coming early but she still did it at least once a week.

For this reason I won't wait around or beep my horn etc. They are either ready or not.

I can feel myself getting pissed off again. Not at you lot but at my friend. Basically I don't want to do it. She has also informed me that she will now be potty training her 3 year old (3 last week). So I have to go through the risk of him peeing (or worse) in my car or on me as I get him out etc.

I feel that if you are going to do a nice thing...then do it...regardless. It's not in the right spirit to do it with such irritation....so don't do it at all.

I feel sorry for the woman. She probably feels shit that she has to rely on you and feel beholden al the time.

We all have the odd off morning....especally with 3 year old's. If your help has such strict conditions then maybe you should not do it.

Yanbu. You have been doing her a huge favour. You explained your position, that you could not wait, so she has only herself to blame.

I used to give a friend a lift to college. I told her she had to be at my house for 7am on the dot, as any later meant we got stuck in traffic and the journey would balloon from an hour to 2 hours, which was not only tedious but expensive in terms of fuel and mileage etc. She was always, always late. I repeatedly asked her to be on time. I'd ring her at 7 saying 'where are you?' and she was always 'just coming round the corner' - except she wasn't. There were always new feeble excuses. It drove me bonkers and the atmosphere in the car was always horrid. I really, really wish I'd had the balls to say 'if you're not there I'll set off without you' and then do it, like you've done. Instead it ruined our friendship in a slow, insidious, poisonous way that was never spoken about.

YABU - could just beep horn. Bit uptight.

I read your other thread and thought you were Saint material-so pleased to find you are not :)

Good for you for driving off.You did have an agreement and she has been effectively blackmailing you to continue even though the time scales are getting tighter. She has now slagged you off to others despite your earlier efforts.]

No good deed ever goes unpunished . Keep that in mind and keep to your agreed timings -if you are still carrying on with the arrangement .If it was me I wouldnt -not after the 'feedback' from friends.

I remember your other thread. Your friend was really taking the piss with your time.

They should definitely have already had their shoes on, imo Jareth - and their coats ready, if not already on.

Right, fine - your latest post does explain things a bit better.. think I just got riled by your tone.

Sorry