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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I will drive off without you if you aren't waiting on the street

213 replies

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 21:36

This is a follow up from another question I added a while ago. I looked (past tense) after my friend's 2 children from 7.30am every school day. I take them to school/nursery along with my 3 children so that my friend can get to work on time (child care in my village starts at 8 and there are no childminders).

I do this for free.

However, it was all getting too much. 5 young children in the morning are a nightmare.

Anyway my hours at work changed so rather than start at 9.30 I start at 8.30 and need to take my children to the breakfast club. As my friend relies upon me helping her in the morning, I said that I would detour from my house and pick up her two by car from her house at 7.45. I would then drive all five to the breakfast club for 8.

However, when I made the offer I said that I would expect her two children (age 3 and 8) to be ready waiting on the pavement outside her house with her at 7.45. If they were not there, I would turn at the end of her cul-de-sac and go on without them.

Now I know that without my lift she is really stuck. The breakfast club starts at 8, is a 20 min walk from her house and then a further 40 min walk from breakfast club to her work - except she starts at 8! So without my lift she is in trouble.

I feel like I am being mean and not flexible. However, I can envisage a regular occurrance of me waiting around in my car whilst my friend is not quite ready and has to get coats and shoes and hats and book bags etc. It would be "I'll just be a minute" but ends up being five minutes... if you know what I mean. And basically every minute counts in the mornings.

Me dropping my 3 off at 8am (the earliest possible time), I am still cutting it fine to start at 8.30.

So today her children weren't there. I was bang on 7.45. So I drove off and didn't wait. I slowed a bit, waited on the road (ie not parked) for a few seconds (not even a minute), and then drove off.

This afternoon at school pick up my friend said that she was putting their shoes and coats on by the front door. She had seen me turn in the cul-de-sac and asked why I didn't wait or call for them. She was really really pissed off.

I said that because they weren't there waiting, which was what we had agreed, I drove on as I am tight for time. I said, diplomatically, that I did not want to call on her children as it means parking up and getting out of the car. Basically they are either ready or they are not.

Other mutual friends think I was 'out of order'. Well, was I?

OP posts:

AKMD · 08/12/2011 22:04

Re. toilet training ask her to provide disposable changing mats to put in the car seat. Or ask for him to be in a nappy, to be taken off immediately at nursery.

PelvicFloorOfHighTensileTinsel · 08/12/2011 22:04

YANBU I've been the lift for someone who can't be arsed to get themselves there on time and it's a pain. Your 'friend' should be doing everything she possibly can to make it easier for you to do her a favour, making sure they're ready so you aren't late is the absolute bare minimum.

If giving this lift is too much stress for you then you need to stop the arrangement, other people giving you grief over it would be too much stress for me to take.

Does the other parent do anything for you? Would you be able to call on them if you needed emergency childcare?

Oggy · 08/12/2011 22:04

Well TBH I agree with those that say you should probably stop doing it as you obviously hate it - a favour shouldn't feel like this.

As an aside, I am a little confused, if her work is a 40 minute walk away and she starts at 8:00 how on Earth does she get to work on time if you don't collect the children until 7:45?

MCos · 08/12/2011 22:08

OP - I think you are getting a bit of a hard time. You are doing your friend a massive favour. She either needs to play it by your rules or make other arrangements.

If they were getting the bus, they would need to be on-time and waiting for it.
Comments about you being 5 mins earlier don't make sense - you have your own kids to get ready and out of the house.

I'm a firm believer in start as you mean to go on. I'm sure your friend got the message today. Even if she didn't like it...

Get0rf · 08/12/2011 22:08

I remember your other thread. You are doing her an enormous favour and are actually enabling her to work.

I think you are wise to stick to your word - if you gave a minute, it would start being two, and then it would be five.

She has a cheek in getting pissed off with you and telling your mates.

I agree with fabbychic. Stick to your agreement - she will just have to pull her finger out in the mornings. You are doing her a great kindness in doing this for her, shame she doesn't realise this.

ZacharyQuack · 08/12/2011 22:09

Under your previous arrangement, she was managing to bring her children to your house at 7:20, so a 7:45 pickup from outside her door is a huge time saving for her.

YANBU to expect her to be waiting at the curb with them ready to go (just as if they were catching a bus) and for her to sort out the pram and the carseat.

RandomMess · 08/12/2011 22:10

Well it's up to your friend isn't it. You've proved to her that you won't wait so hopefully from now on she will kick her ass in gear and have them ready and waiting.

I think you've done the right thing to nip in the bud on day 4 instead of letting it fester.

kitty4paws · 08/12/2011 22:10

My friend was supposed to drop her kids off at 7.30 each morning but more often or not she came at 7.20-7.25

Soooo when she dropped her kids of at YOUR house it was usually 5 - 10 minutes in her favour and now that you are picking up her kids it looks like it could easily slide to 5 - 10 minutes in her favour

Also if she coudl get her kids TO your house by 7:20 why cant she have them READY for 7:45 ?

IT does sound as if you really dont want to do it , but if you are doing it it has to actually be workable for all involved and if that is that7:45 menas 7:45 than so be it.

she doesnt have to take you offer to help.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 22:10

This may be a blessing actually. I gives me a reason to say that it isn't working for me. When I changed my hours to 8.30 I knew that it would be harder in the mornings (understatement) with purely my 3. The extra 10 mins in my house rather than a detour to my friend's house, would enable me to put a washing load on, or wash my hair etc.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 22:10

Perhaps beep as you go past her house on your way up the cul de sac, then by the time you have turned round they should be there...if not then go?

Get0rf · 08/12/2011 22:13

Actually, I would use this as a reason for stopping the whole arrangement. This is probably not the last time that such a thing will happen, you both have tight timescales, so something is bound to go amiss. It's probably not worth the hassle, on both sides.

She will have to sort her own childcare and/or workhours out. It's not your responsibility.

Oggy · 08/12/2011 22:14

I take the point that they would have to wait in the cold for a bus, but it wouldn't make any timing difference to OP if she beeped the horn as she pulled passed their house so they could step out the door while she turned the car around - just so the kids can wait in the warm. If they're not out by the time she's turned round, fair dos - drive off.

warthog · 08/12/2011 22:14

yanbu at all.

jeez i'm getting pissed off on your behalf here!

Oggy · 08/12/2011 22:15

X post with Ninky nonker

radstar · 08/12/2011 22:15

I read your previous thread and for what its worth think YANBU. I understand how all those little minutes add up, it is adding to your stress and really think you should stop the lifts even though it will affect your friend's circumstances.

I do understand how hard it is too say that to her but if you carry on like this you will just piss each other off and resent her and the relationship will suffer anyway.

I would be worried about the potty training issue as well and would insist on the nappy until he's cracked it, you shouldnt have to worry about that as well and the last thing you need before work when strapped for time is to clean up accidents.

The bus comments are a good example, it wouldnt wait why should you?

SHE should be ready 5 mins earlier and waiting watching out for you from inside if its raining

GnomeDePlume · 08/12/2011 22:17

YANBU, why cant she get her kids ready and be standing on the kerb a few minues earlier? If they are wrapped up warm they arent going to dissolve, blow away or freeze to the ground in the space of a few minutes.

As others have said, a bus wouldnt wait so why should the OP?

girliefriend · 08/12/2011 22:18

I think you need to be honest with your friend and say you do not want to do this anymore.

Say you will continue to do it for the next month and after that it will stop and she will need to make alternative arrangements.

You are not indispensable to this women, if she has to change her hours at work or even her job so be it thats life when you have kids. If childcare starts at 8am then you have to fit in around that - thats life!!!

You have your own children and life to think about and its not fair on you or your kids to make your mornings more complicated than they need to be, infact if you continue to do this I think you are a martyr!!!

RandomMess · 08/12/2011 22:18

Get her to bring them to yours!

Say you have to leave at x and if they're not there you'll drive off.

At least she'll know this time you'll mean it.

She can strap the 3 year old and put her buggy in the boot.

HavePatience · 08/12/2011 22:18

I think you should just tell her you don't want to do it.

fluffytowels · 08/12/2011 22:19

I remember your last thread. I think YAB a little U but probably need to be to get the message across. You have done a lot for her and you are really her only option so she just needs to suck it up.
You need to stop thinking 'without me she'd be totally screwed' though, because it's making you resentful. Instead she needs to think 'without her I'd be totally screwed' and be a little less entitled and a little more grateful.

Not entirely sure how to make that happen, other than what you're doing.

Bohica · 08/12/2011 22:19

I have 3 all at different schools and there is no way I would put myself in your position.

We have everything ready the night before, including knickers and socks, all toothbrushes in a line and everything all 4 of us will need for the next day and it is a military project to get out of the door in time without leaving the house as a complete shit tip for us to come home for.

I would tell your friend it's not working now your hours have changed, give her one months notice and use the extra 10 minutes to MN

Original poster

pingu2209 · 08/12/2011 22:21

I think I am used as free childcare a lot actually. I have another single mum friend who asks me to look after her 2 boys so she can go out at the weekends and after school etc.

Over the past few months I have on average looked after them once a week but never a return favour. This friend asked if I would look after them on the 2nd January overnight so that she could have a new boyfriend stay over.

I was horrified. School is back on the 4th so my last free morning would be with 5 children. Not least I always think of the time around Christmas and New Year as family time.

I think I need to learn to say no more.

OP posts:

Rhubarbgarden · 08/12/2011 22:23

Yep use this as a reason to stop the arrangement. And don't feel bad about it.

Greatdomestic · 08/12/2011 22:24

Blimey.

You are doing her a huge favour. Why should you be late just because your mate can't be ready on time the morning?

I'd give her notice to call time on this arrangement, as it clearly isn't going to work for you. She should have her kids ready to run out, dump buggy in the boot and strap small child into car seat.

And she's been having a rant to others about you being out of order. Stuff, that, let them pick her kids up and see how long it takes them to get naffed off. Sorry, getting annoyed on your behalf OP.

Greatdomestic · 08/12/2011 22:27

And say no to the sleepover on 2nd Jan too while you're at it.

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