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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it slightly depressing that 80% of the Christmas cards we've received are addressed...

225 replies

flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:14

.."Mr & Mrs [DH's initial] [DH's surname]"?

I probably am. It doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but really, it's 2011 and I am not an appendage of my DH. It wouldn't occur to me to address anything in that way.

It's not just older people, it's our age and younger as well.
They all know my name.
If they don't want to put both initials which I agree would be a mouthful, or an envelope full, they could just put The [Surname] Family, or Mr and Mrs [Surname].

Totally hypocritically, I did take DH's surname when we got married, but at least that actually is my name. At no point did I relinquish my first name as well.

Grrr.

OP posts:
Kayano · 07/12/2011 20:17

Every single card I have got is to

[husbands first name] and Kayano.

Sometimes our surname at the end.

However, I don't get annoyed or upset if it had been addressed that way. I don't know why it even matters. I think it's
More a matter of tradition/ habit rather than actively trying to ignore you as an individual....

Imo

angeltulips · 07/12/2011 20:19

I hate this too (although mostly bc I didn't actually take dh's name and people STILL do it).

I use THE [HIS SURNAME] & [HER SURNAME] FAMILY when addressing cards. And I admit I even sometimes do that when when I know the wife has taken DH's name and/or would LIKE to be mrs [H initial] [H lastname] which is petty and passive aggressive but booyah

JosieZ · 07/12/2011 20:19

It's just quicker.

Card sending is a bit of a pain.

lljkk · 07/12/2011 20:19

DH did this today, addressed a card to Mr & Mrs. X when we both know full well that there is no Mrs. X in that household, they are married, but she's always kept her maiden surname.

I think he just got into a formal way of thinking as he wrote the cards this afternoon & couldn't break out of the mode. I shudder to think what she'll think. Wasn't me Guv, honest!!

squeakytoy · 07/12/2011 20:20

Presumably they actually write your names inside the card. It certainly isnt something I would even notice or stress about. I see our surname, and thats about it.

Kayano · 07/12/2011 20:21

Angel that's just as bad!

curiouscat · 07/12/2011 20:21

YANBU it's lazy and old fashioned of them IMHO. Wouldn't mind from older people who feel it's courteous.

My brother got married years ago, and my mum in her excitement later addressed an envelope to them as Mr and Mrs R(surname). My brother told her sniffily that if she wanted to write it should be Dr O and Dr R as they don't share surnames and his new wife wasn't a Mrs. I thought he was a little OTT.

Still am impressed you're receiving real post at all, I'd be grateful for anything handwritten whatever they called me.

ByTheWay1 · 07/12/2011 20:22

Don't get the problem?? It is the formal correct way of addressing any correspondence to a married couple.

troisgarcons · 07/12/2011 20:22

It's the correct way - in polite society you are Mrs John Smith,,,whether you like it or not!

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 07/12/2011 20:25

I couldn't care less if people address things to us in this way. I know some people don't like it and so I don't address things that way myself, but i'm quite proud to be Mrs (husband's initial)(mine and husband's surname). I know I'm old fashioned though.

KatyJ26 · 07/12/2011 20:25

That's just how envelopes have always traditionally been addressed, I don't think it's anything personal, if you are married that is. If you're not married and people don't use your surname, it's just plain lazy!!!

squishysquashy · 07/12/2011 20:25

I usually let it wash over me, but when my best friend sent her wedding invite to Mr & Mrs X, even though she knows full well I haven't changed my surname it pissed me off greatly.

I generally just do first names, DH sometimes addresses BIL's cards to 'Gonzo the Bear' the postman doesn't give a shit they only look at the address.

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:25

No it bloody isn't the correct way. It may be one way, but it isn't the correct way and it is a way which many females, quite rightly, object to.

Other then being outdated, a woman doesn't just become a Mrs DH christian name then surname as if she loses her own identity does she?

How hard would it be to write Mr and Mrs X and Y Surname. How hard?

RillaBlythe · 07/12/2011 20:26

In polite society people address others as they wish to be addressed, IMO.

Op, drives me mad. I kept my own name yet still get cards to Mr & Mrs D.P. Hisname.

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:27

That response was to trois and Bytheway.

Not the OP.

I can see your point totally.

Original poster
flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:27

Yes I don't feel personally insulted or anything, these are all nice people who know me and I don't think they are ignoring me.

it's just a bit depressing that in 2011 it's still considered 'correct' by some to give the woman the man's initial.

OP posts:
Kayano · 07/12/2011 20:28

But a lot of females don't frankly give a shit. So people just do it the maybe 'old fashioned way' but it is the way it was traditionally done. And a lot of people have a v traditional view of Christmas so

shrug

Fayrazzled · 07/12/2011 20:28

It is the polite form of address, but social correspondence such as Christmas cards would traditionally be addressed to just the lady of the house- so Mrs (Husband's Christian name initial) (Surname). Is that a blow for the man not named on the envelope??!!

I tend to use the traditional form when addressing envelopes unless I know the married woman has not taken her husbands name or would be offended. I address it to both in the couple though: Mr & Mrs (His initial) (Family surname) or just The (Surname) Family.

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:29

It is not 'correct'

What does that even mean?

You can be married and not even use Mrs., let alone take the surname so how on earth is it correct.

I am married and I'm neither Mrs. not did I change my name.

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:30

Kayano I wouldn't personally give a shit.

My husband's elderly relatives often do this, , I can live with it.

But to have it declared as the correct way? Really, are we in the 1950's?

lilbitneurotic · 07/12/2011 20:30

It is correct.

Hardgoing · 07/12/2011 20:31

I usually address mine to my female friend's full name and her husband's first name (so 'Pamela Smith and Mark') or if I am sure they all have the same name to the 'Smith' family. I would never address it to the husband plus Mrs, they don't open the cards and I'm not sending it for them!

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:31

But Fay if you know her first name, why wouldn't you say Mr Xand Mrs Y Surname?

angeltulips · 07/12/2011 20:32

I know kayano - but sometimes it just really really really annoys me and I have to lash out in a v passive aggressive way

My DH used to crap on with that "it's polite, don't worry don't take it personally" argument until we took a long holiday shortly after we git married where I had made all the bookings. As a result, we got called mr and mrs [my surname] the whole time. He was extremely irritated. He doesn't try the "don't worry they don't mean anything by it" argument anymore.

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:32

Err, not lilb it is not!