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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it slightly depressing that 80% of the Christmas cards we've received are addressed...

225 replies

flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:14

.."Mr & Mrs [DH's initial] [DH's surname]"?

I probably am. It doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but really, it's 2011 and I am not an appendage of my DH. It wouldn't occur to me to address anything in that way.

It's not just older people, it's our age and younger as well.
They all know my name.
If they don't want to put both initials which I agree would be a mouthful, or an envelope full, they could just put The [Surname] Family, or Mr and Mrs [Surname].

Totally hypocritically, I did take DH's surname when we got married, but at least that actually is my name. At no point did I relinquish my first name as well.

Grrr.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:55

Clearly not yo cup so fuck off Grin

I don't actually care either that much from a personal point of view either although refer to my previous post 10 seconds ago for my stance on this!

Feminine · 07/12/2011 20:59

damn I think many feel its ok because its just an envelope

I know there is a bigger picture ...I really do but ...

It just fails to upset me ...I have been married nearly 16 years , I just chuck the envelopes in the recycling basket Grin

After this thread I am going to pay more attention, just to see how I am mostly addressed. : You know, just out of interest!

FFSEnid · 07/12/2011 20:59

I would never write a cheque to more than one person because I remember what a pita it was when so many people did that for DH and I as wedding presents and we didn't have a joint account. (Very grateful for lovely money though)

Dhs friends wife has been snippy 3 years in a row about how I have addressed their card. Firstly because I assumed (wrongly) that she had taken his name, then because I put Mr X and Mrs Y instead of Ms (I knew it should have been Ms and I'm not convinced I did it wrong anyway, my handwriting isn't the best and I send a lot of cards) and then last year because I put Mr X and Ms Y which was doubly wrong as I should have put her first (the woman of the house opens correspondence doncha know) and I should have put Ms Y, Mr X and Baby XY (the baby is part of the family and I shouldn't have excluded him on the envelope even though I put his name inside the card). I'm not sending them one this year, I can't be arsed with it.

Kayano · 07/12/2011 21:00

damn why should words fail you?

Some issues are more important to some than others. Racism, feminism, schoolyard politics etc...
It's all relative to the individual.
Not that these are not important but they are not always at the forefront of our minds.

Does it make me less intelligent or less of a woman to not mind being 'MRS [dh first name][dh surname]

Not in my opinion because I as a woman made that decision to take that name myself.

There is always a lot of implications on threads such as these that we just don't get it, or we are unappreciative of what feminism does for us, that we have been indoctrinated by a patriarchal society to think this way etc

And I admit I get utterly fed up of it.

I made my own mind up about how I want to be addressed just as you did but
I don't come out with 'words fail me' and the like. I am still me, an individual.

A rose by any other frickin name and all that

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 21:01

I'm not upset feminine

Just bemused by this correct and should lark.

But I am a pedant.

I'm off to the xmas thread now.

Peace, love and joy to all!

Sudaname · 07/12/2011 21:02

Slightly off subject but connected l hate it that my DHs exw still keeps her married surname. She left him - had an affair - treated him very badly and made him out to be a really bad lot to anyone who would listen and still does - but still hangs onto his name Confused. Its not to do with having same name as her DCs etc either because they are both late twenties. I honestly think it should be made illegal to keep your married name after you're legally divorced especially when the man (obv. usually his name originally) doesnt approve. Ok when the exw has young DCs re :having same name as them etc or if the man couldnt care less fine. But otherwise l think from the mans pov its quite an affrontry really especially in circumstances like mine and DHs. 'Oh l dont want to be married to you anymore and l'll slag you off to anyone who'll listen but I'm still gonna keep your name' -grrrr.

Anyway l feel better now - rant over - as you were Grin

ps I suppose after above rant about something that matters to me and obviously dont go with the 'whats in a name' line of thought ! - l better say YANBU because this obviously matters to you equally.

MarksPA · 07/12/2011 21:02

Everyone to their own, but I personally consider myself as Mrs D.P. [his surname].

I addressed all my cards as such, other than those whom I know expressed a preference to be addressed otherwise (no probs there as long as I know), or those who were unmarried and I addressed them separately on the envelope. If someone didn't like they way I had addressed them, I'd prefer they let me know so that I didn't offend them again next year.

In danger of being shot down in flames, I would consider it rude if I addressed an envelope to Mr and Mrs x, if I knew the woman hadn't taken the man's surname. Dives under table for cover...

ThoseClementineShoes · 07/12/2011 21:03

I have the same initial as DH so don't mind quite so much Mr & Mrs A. Lastname. Perhaps I would feel more strongly otherwise.

I do appreciate that the bank writes Mr AB and Mrs AC Lastname though. This seems correct to me in 2011.

What I think looks particularly bizarre though is Mr and Dr HisFirstname OurLastname. I'm not sure why I think this looks odd though.

Kayano · 07/12/2011 21:05

sudaname

My first thoughts were randomly of Cheryl Tweedy Cole lol

Maiden names ain't all that!

Totally daft idea btw

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 21:05

Kayano

Feminine · 07/12/2011 21:06

Merry Christmas Damn

FFSEnid · 07/12/2011 21:06

My married name is my name. I've had it since I was 22 so pretty much the whole of my adult life and almost as long as I had my maiden name. I can't anticipate wanting to hand it back even if my dcs were in their 20s.

teatimesthree · 07/12/2011 21:06

YANBU. This sort of patriarchal tosh is just about acceptable from the over-70s, but if I were to get an envelope addressed in this way from anyone not in receipt of the winter fuel allowance, they would plummet in my estimation.

Feminine · 07/12/2011 21:07

That was to your earlier post BTW...otherwise I think I would look quite rude Grin

angeltulips · 07/12/2011 21:08

I don't think it's a question of "feeling depressed" about it (although I do find the fact that women still unquestioningly take their ohs names in the 21st c a wee bit depressing if I'm honest - altho that's not the point of this thread)

It does make me laugh when people wibble on about what's "correct" though - you've probably done 100 things today that are not "correct", why on earth cling to something anachronistic like using a H's initial

Sudaname · 07/12/2011 21:09

FFSEnid - ffs indeed Grin

I'd send them a blank one and say 'please can you fill out your own envelope as I'm sure if l do it something will not be to your liking - then send it back to me and l will insert the card itself which by some miracle l have always managed to get right by your standards ' Grin

Or 'Fuck off' for short.

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 07/12/2011 21:11

just cannot get worked up about this issue

Kayano · 07/12/2011 21:11

But I never EVER said in any of MY posts that I equated traditional to correct, nor
Did I say I thought it was correct.

I did not give up my name or my individuallity, and as an individual I like tradition to the point where I must have a full roast dinner (beef or lamb only) on a Sunday and like the old traditional ways of addressing mail.

And I don't actually think its correct in 2011 and don't actually do it myself, but I can't see why liking to see it on cards I get is an issue

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 21:11

Merry Christmas Fem WineXmas Smile

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 21:12

No kayano you didn't; but many have.

That's what I was referring to.

My point remains, you choose one way to name yourself, I choose another, why is yours correct and mine not.

Obviously you're not saying it's correct, but many are. Why would they say this?

Kayano · 07/12/2011 21:12

And now I've gone all random and shit Wink

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

hellsbells4 · 07/12/2011 21:15

I've always done it that way - I was taught that was the correct way, so it never occurred to me that anyone might be offended. How on earth am i now going to figure out which friends prefer which style???

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 21:15

worked up about it

My Grin after Suda didn't show

So here it is again

Grin
Kayano · 07/12/2011 21:16

My god, I haven't got any Christmas cards done!

damn I don't think your way is wrong, I just don't like to be told that things I like to see myself are 'depressing' and a sign of me relinquishing any of my own identity.

I actually think we have a good understanding of each other, just on opposite sides we can be equally different together

Grin I'm feeling xmassy now