to find it slightly depressing that 80% of the Christmas cards we've received are addressed...

[flowerytaleofNewYork]

.."Mr & Mrs [DH's initial] [DH's surname]"?

I probably am. It doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but really, it's 2011 and I am not an appendage of my DH. It wouldn't occur to me to address anything in that way.

It's not just older people, it's our age and younger as well.
They all know my name.
If they don't want to put both initials which I agree would be a mouthful, or an envelope full, they could just put The [Surname] Family, or Mr and Mrs [Surname].

Totally hypocritically, I did take DH's surname when we got married, but at least that actually is my name. At no point did I relinquish my first name as well.

Grrr.

Ivykaty yes I assume most people were taught at school. I'm 35 and do remember being taught about addressing letters etc, but don't remember being taught this. Perhaps my school was lax

As I said, it was younger people doing it that prompted the thread, including a 25yo relative, meaning this form was presumably being taught in schools this millennium.

I think retraining as a teacher in an attempt to ensure the next generation address envelopes in a more inclusive, equal fashion may be a teensy overreaction but I don't think finding it a big disappointing that young people don't see anything wrong with it and in fact consider it correct is.

We are all entitled to raise an eyebrow or be a bit irked at trivial things, regardless of what more significant things might be going on.

Just count yourselves lucky that you don't live in Greece, where EVERYTHING is addressed to "Family of DHs Surname DH's name". Nothing, but nothing is ever addressed to me. I have even had friends who don't really know my DH check my DH's surname with me, so that they could address joint invitations solely to him.

When I did some invitations last year and addressed them all to "Family of Woman's Name", it caused quite a stir!

The thing is saying "but that's correct according to etiquette" assumes that etiquette and manners are static and never change, and most importantly are never to be questioned. I find that attitude quite sad.

at *Coffeedog" "DH said I could have kept it".

I kept my own name, of course, and apart from old relatives who are old-fashioned and people who think it's humorous to send something to Mr & Mrs Wall, my post comes to me. It doesn't annoy me from the relatives - that's what they do, that's who they are - but it would annoy me from someone of my own generation who was trying to do something "correct", or as someone said early in the thread "because it's what's done in polayte socaiety". I wouldn't be angry but I would think they were an arse.

When I am writing to others, if I don't know for sure that they have kept their real surname, I use it - so real surname is the default, and I use their husbands' names for them only if they have made a point of it.

DH and I have the same name, it makes things easier.

I was taught at school never to wear a skirt above the knee.

I was taught at school to clear my plate, whether or not I was hungry.

I was taught at school to put a double space after a full stop.

I was taught at school to do whatever I was told without questioning it.

I was taught at school to accept whatever the teacher said as the truth.

If I don't agree with what I was taught at school, I simply don't do it.

"The thing is saying "but that's correct according to etiquette" assumes that etiquette and manners are static and never change, and most importantly are never to be questioned. I find that attitude quite sad."

Yes exactly.

WidowWadman, you think it is as rude?

That is the correct form of address for a woman who takes her husband's name. You have chosen to label yourself as the woman attached to Mr. X. XXX. If you don't like it you should revert to using your own name

I was taught at home that the essence of good manners (and so all that is "correct") is making other people feel comfortable.

Therefore, address your envelopes in a way that will make the recipient feel comfortable - i.e. the name they use, whether that's Mrs Roger the Cabin Boy or LaLaLa Faloozie. And don't prioritise your understanding of etiquette over their feelings.

Marlene

Good Call!!!

Dear Ms Quintessentially Festive

Merry Christmas!

Yours Truly,

Ms Ani Mation

Or Even "Mumsnetter of the house"

Awwww.....
Let me get my pen out!

Dear Ms Ani Mation (I hope I got that right!)

Merry Christmas!

Yours Truly,

xxx Quintsey

Sign in here if you want to agree with Marlene:

"I was taught at home that the essence of good manners (and so all that is "correct") is making other people feel comfortable."

Dear Quintsey

Thank you for your Christmas good wishes,

Goodbye for the present,

Ani xxx

vixsatis

"That is the correct form of address for a woman who takes her husband's name. You have chosen to label yourself as the woman attached to Mr. X. XXX.

Have I bollocks. I have, after thinking for a long time about it, chosen to share the same name as my husband and my children, and at the same time getting rid of a rather inconvenient umlaut which forced me to spell my name all the bleeding time. I have replaced the surname given to me by my father, by choosing a name which in my view best fitted my personal situation.

By marriage I have neither given up my first name, nor my individuality, I certainly have not chosen to label myself as the woman attached to Mr X. That's why I use "Ms", not "Mrs" on any form I fill in.

Even before we got married to my husband we sometimes received Christmas cards adressed to "Mr and Mrs Husbandsfirstname Husbandslastname. And I doubt that not taking my husband's name would have made any difference to those who think it's the right etiquette to address me by my husband's name. As in the example I've given earlier Miriam Gonzales-Durantes regulary is called Mrs Clegg.

Dear Ani,

Thank you for your thank you and for your good wishes.
Happy New Year!

xxx QS

This is the main reason, at the age of about 8, that I decided I didn't want to get married when I grew up. Seeing all my parents letters, bills etc. addressed to Mr & Mrs John Surname, or sometimes just Mrs John Surname, gave me an early insight into the inequality of the traditions of marriage.

It's going off on a tangent but I get annoyed when my DH and I are addressed Mr and Mrs Thing, when since I got my PhD in 2008 I like to use Dr (because it makes me feel clever and smug). Even my parents and my PILs still write Mr and Mrs instead of Mr and Dr.
Grrr.
The initial thing, annoying, but what would you have everyone do? Write Mr X and Mrs Y Thing? I think people have too many Christmas cards to write to bother with it to be honest.

thing - why not just leave the initial off?

I don't really care - I write to Mr and Mrs J. Smith on the envelope, no one in the real world has ever expressed any displeasure at this form of address, usually just pleasure in the receiving of the correspondence.

It doesn't bother me-I get both. If people are going to nit pick about addressing an envelope I am not sure that I want to be friends! It is quicker to write one initial and one surname and it is completely unimportant.

I did not become an "attachment to my husband" when we got married. I am still a person, Hazle Nutt and not just "mrs of" . Luckily friends and family would not even dream of sending anything to me addressed as Mrs John Smith, I would find it very rude. It might have been correct once upon a time, it is old fashioned and sexist now.