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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it slightly depressing that 80% of the Christmas cards we've received are addressed...

225 replies

flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:14

.."Mr & Mrs [DH's initial] [DH's surname]"?

I probably am. It doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but really, it's 2011 and I am not an appendage of my DH. It wouldn't occur to me to address anything in that way.

It's not just older people, it's our age and younger as well.
They all know my name.
If they don't want to put both initials which I agree would be a mouthful, or an envelope full, they could just put The [Surname] Family, or Mr and Mrs [Surname].

Totally hypocritically, I did take DH's surname when we got married, but at least that actually is my name. At no point did I relinquish my first name as well.

Grrr.

OP posts:
BerthaPappenheim · 07/12/2011 21:16

I dislike it. I am Dr Pappenheim and Dh is Mr DH. All our friends know this and write some version of 'Family Pappenheim-Dh' or a list of names/initials. My family use firstname-surname. DH's family know this and persist in addressing all correspondence to Mr and Mrs DH. I have been known, when feeling petty and spoiling for a fight, to write 'Return to sender - not known at this address' on these missives. I've never used 'Mrs' or dh's name, and would as soon be addressed as 'Constable Smith' or something. It's just not my name, and people who persist in pretending it is are being damn rude.

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 21:18

Attempts (again) to go to Christmas thread Smile

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 21:18

Same here hellsbells and how am I going to address the one to my friend who's correct titles are Dr and Rev, her husband is Dr Confused

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 07/12/2011 21:20

Grin I Musn't know anyone posh, all my envelopes are adressed My First Name/DHs First Name (in either order). I address mine like that too. Infact, the only time I ever use surnames is on Wedding Day cards.

Not that it matters much, envelopes end up in the bin (or as shopping lists). Cards inside are what counts.

Sudaname · 07/12/2011 21:20

Hi Kayano - actually my DHs exw has got a long maiden name so you might have something there - maybe just kept the name cos its short and simple. But l guess what l'm trying to say is l cant understand it when a woman has a thinly disguised loathing for an ex but then chooses to keep an unnecessary association to him i.e. his surname. I personally couldnt wait to rid myself of anything that reminded me of my exh and his surname was first to go ! But that's just me

Feminine · 07/12/2011 21:22

Well this thread has turned out just lovely Xmas Grin

angeltulips · 07/12/2011 21:23

Megalolz at

"but that's just me"

Following

"I think it should be made illegal"

ToldYaSo · 07/12/2011 21:28

im happy to be addressed as mr and mrs x surname, and thats how i address my cards and always will

its the correct way to do it

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 21:30

Why should it be made illegal to keep your married name after a divorce? My parents separated when I was 7, divorced when I was 13. After the split, Mum became Ms married surname. She remained thus until she remarried. Her 2nd husbands ex wife is Ms married surname, and will be (I assume) until she remarries (if she ever does).

muffinino82 · 07/12/2011 21:32

I would be very annoyed and I would let them know about it. If they're good enough friends, they'll understand. I'm sure mine would know how pissed I would be, so would not do it.

Genuinely out of interest, how would those who normally do this address a married couple who had different names? Or where the wife had double barreled but not the husband? Or where the wife had changed her name but kept Ms? Or if they were a same sex couple with different names? Or same sex with the same names? Surely it would be far, far ruder to put Mr.&Mrs.hissurname then?

Mind you, I have my own name and would only double barrel if he did, plus I am a Ms. so I'm probably some sort of radical, hairy arm-pitted lesbian Wink

muffinino82 · 07/12/2011 21:39

Having said all that, I get envelopes addressed to My1stname & His1stname or His1stname & My1stname depending on who's friends/family is giving. Because we're common.

LemonDifficult · 07/12/2011 21:41

I'm going to see if I can find last year's thread. Exactly the same. Think it went on for pages.

LemonDifficult · 07/12/2011 21:44

There are a few Here's one

LemonDifficult · 07/12/2011 21:47

Here's another

There are more if you want them.

YABU. Nothing is meant by it. Send your cards however you want.

ChristinedePizanne · 07/12/2011 21:55

I'm sorry, I just don't get the lazy argument (ie it's easier to write Mr & Mrs [H Initial] Surname.

Surely it's far easier to write Mr and Mrs Surname. And it's hardly going to break your wrist to write The [her surname] [his surname] household' which is what I do if a couple aren't married or the woman hasn't changed her name after marriage.

And 'correct' is a totally wanky argument :o

WholeLottaRosie · 07/12/2011 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Moln · 07/12/2011 22:00

there are people under the age of 70 who think it's the correct and proper thing to do, so that's what they do.

really? Find that a little bit freaky and wierd!

When i address an envelope i tend to put the name or names or the people I'm writing to on it. Frequently with Christmas cards i'll just put the name of the person i know best (knew them first that is) because it's easier (read quicker) to write one name

. Though if i know them equally I might put both their names down, be it Mrs&Mr surname, Mr&Mrs first name & first name surname, or firstname surname & first name surname.

can comfortable say i've never adressed anyone as Mr&Mrs his first name surname, because i know people who changed their names on marrying, people who didn't, but I have never, ever met a woman who changed her first name to the first name of her husband, so calling her Mrs Husbands first name is actually incorrect/wrong isn't it!

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/12/2011 22:05

Honest to God - people just want to get the cards written & sent - for the vast majority it's a social chore. The address on the front is merely a way of getting a card through the correct door. It really, really doesn't matter does it? It would be different if it was the greeting inside the card, but it's not.

lingle · 07/12/2011 22:12

YANBU

Sevenfold · 07/12/2011 22:13

yabu
I always put mr and mrs (mans initial ) surname.
did get thrown as how to adress mr and mr, so did Mr's lol
why do people care. it isn't like they will call you by your dh's name in rl

Sudaname · 07/12/2011 22:14

Hi Ineedachristmasnickname - l just think if the woman breaks up the marriage and doesnt want to be associated with the ex anymore or have a good word to say about him even and the man doesnt want her to still have his name - thus only keeping a connection to him when it suits - then in those circumstances l think it should be up to the man i.m.o.

Angeltulips - I meant in civil or divorce law/procedure obviously - not as in criminal law - so not such a dramatic contrast in my two statements.

Besides when l said 'Thats just me' - l was talking about a very different/almost opposite set of circumstances and how in my personal specific circumstances l wanted rid of my exhs surname asap.

Just as l think that in my DHs circumstances(ilk) and his exws that my DH should have some sort of say over who uses/retains his surname. Again 'thats just me'. Anything any of us say on here is 'thats just me' surely. Who elses opinion would it be.

Moln · 07/12/2011 22:20

iif it's a same sex male couple then the options surely are:

Messers Surname & Surname
First name Surname & First name Surname
First name & Firstname

exoticfruits · 07/12/2011 22:30

YANBU, but it is a lot quicker if you are writing a lot and I am lazy!

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 22:31

Sudaname I agree that if she wants to change it, she should be allowed. And if he wants her to change it, he should be allowed to ask her. But surely it's not just his surname. It belongs to possibly thousands of others. My Dps surname, is also the surname of 2 people I went to school with. None of them are related. Therefore it is not just his surname.

I agree that we are all entitled to our own opinions.Like you said you wanted rid of your exs surname. This is not always the case, and therfore making it illegal to 'keep' a surname would be madness!

iloverainbows · 07/12/2011 22:41

If someone addressed a card to me like that I would expect that they either don't know me very well or really aren't bothered. I think you should then question why they would send you a card.

Whilst I agree with other posters it is traditional, to me it is also very old fashioned and something the upper classes seem to cling on to. I would find it offensive to be addressed like this, there is no need for it. If it is that easy why not put Mrs and Mr (her surname) - just as easy surely?