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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it slightly depressing that 80% of the Christmas cards we've received are addressed...

225 replies

flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:14

.."Mr & Mrs [DH's initial] [DH's surname]"?

I probably am. It doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but really, it's 2011 and I am not an appendage of my DH. It wouldn't occur to me to address anything in that way.

It's not just older people, it's our age and younger as well.
They all know my name.
If they don't want to put both initials which I agree would be a mouthful, or an envelope full, they could just put The [Surname] Family, or Mr and Mrs [Surname].

Totally hypocritically, I did take DH's surname when we got married, but at least that actually is my name. At no point did I relinquish my first name as well.

Grrr.

OP posts:
Popbiscuit · 07/12/2011 22:45

YABU! It's lovely, sweet, old-fashioned (in a nice way) and the proper way to do it.

Sudaname · 07/12/2011 22:47

IneedACN - hope you dont mind abbr.your name (very topical Smile )
l covered the wanting to keep the same name as your DCs scenario and thats fair enough - but its just that l consider the taking of a mans surname is very symbolic of marriage so in my DHs exws case l just believe its wrong because she didnt want the marriage - ran off with someone else, even left him to finish off bringing up the children - but its like 'oh - I'll keep your name though - I quite like that !' Anyway as already said 'thats just me' Smile

Anyway Happy Christmas Everyone - whatever your name is or was or should be etc.

SeasonsGripings · 07/12/2011 23:18

But think about why you are sending a card - to prove you are an old fashioned pedant who needs to cling to tradition or to send personal good wishes.
To address an envelope as MR & MRS hisfirstname hissecondname is likely to annoy quite a few people and while I can appreciate that at one time it was considered "correct" the fact that it risks offending people means that it is no longer a good gereral polite form of address.

Good manners are not about offending people, times change - manners need to adapt.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 23:20

Suda In that case I can't see why she would want to keep the name. But then again, one of my Mum's reasons for keeping Dads name was the hassle of changing it for everything.
I guess every case is different and that's why making it illegal would never work imo.

But like you said, Happy Christmas one and all
Xmas Grin

squeakytoy · 07/12/2011 23:30

If I found out that I had upset someone because of the way I addressed an envelope to them.... that would be the last frigging card they would be getting off me.

If someone is so petty over such a trivial matter, they arent worth the trouble of bothering sending a card to.

PastGrace · 07/12/2011 23:31

Definitive Answer

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 07/12/2011 23:35

Exactly Squeaky.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 23:38

But PastGrace debrett's is talking about inside the card (isn't it) and this thread is about the envelope!

Other than that, what squeaky said.

Spermysextowel · 07/12/2011 23:39

Suda my exh thought that when we married I should take his name as it was symbolic so I did (my ex MIL hated this, despite being v old-fashioned, as up til then she'd prob been the only person in the world to be Mrs Blah-Blah).

Was a real pita; banks; driving licence; passport. & guess who had to deal with all this?

DSs are still under 14, but I don't imagine that once the eldest hits 18 I'm going to want to reverse the process. Sometimes it's just a matter of practicality.
Well, that and the fact that having a double-barrelled French name gets you results sometimes, tho' a stipulation of the divorce was that I could no longer use the title 'Baroness'. Grin

said · 07/12/2011 23:41

I'm amazed that you've already received so many cards that you can comment on 80% of them. Envy ish

JoyceDivision · 07/12/2011 23:42

We get cards from dh's family, esp older generation to Mr & Mrs [DH Initial] and dh surname... even dh's mum addresses cards to me sometines as Mrs dh intital & dh surname, she never ever uses my double barrelled surname! Grin

It was dh's idea to go d-b with surname and I love it, as I am the least poshest person ever but it sounds nice and it winds the relevant people up!

Moln · 07/12/2011 23:44

ii do get cards addressed to mr and mrs my dh's name our surname.

Doesn't bother me in the slightess, as the senders are over or close to 70

However I'm pleased to say that I don't know any wanna-be pensioner fuddy duddies who are under the age of retirement who think that one should address envelopes the 'proper and correct way' as I feel anyone like this would be a horrific bore.

Spermysextowel · 07/12/2011 23:44

Oh and I consider it a triumph when I buy the Xmas cards (today), write them (Sunday prob if can find address book), buy stamps (prob Thur), carry stamped cards around in a carrier-bag (prob for a week), then actually remember to post them.

The rest of it is just too much for me to worry about unduly (to my mind)!

JoyceDivision · 07/12/2011 23:48

I found most of my family 'proper card' eg Brother & SIL, nephews, mum and dad, etc written and sealed in a cupboard, but i have no idea if i was very organised in january or forget to hand them out last christmas Blush

Moln · 07/12/2011 23:49

iNeedA I think PastGrace's link is about the envelope

surely no one uses people surnames inside the card!

Spermysextowel · 07/12/2011 23:50

Ah, now you see Joyce I think you've gained a D-B name by cheating. There have been times in my life when I've thought that the only way I can name-trump is by going T-B Grin

Spermysextowel · 07/12/2011 23:53

Moin, the pensioner-types would find it AN horrific bore!

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 23:56

Therefore, a card should be inscribed from 'John and Mary Smith', rather than from 'Mr and Mrs John Smith'.

Why would you put 'from' on the envelope though?

Spermysextowel · 07/12/2011 23:57

Joyce, if cards had a sell-by date you so know you'd be in trouble!

squeakytoy · 08/12/2011 00:01

Ineed is right.. that is about the inside of a card.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 08/12/2011 00:06

Thanks squeaky I thought I was going mad!
However, if you look at the 'joint forms of address' section on debrett's you will find,
Mr and Mrs Thomas Grey
It would appear that when people are titled it makes a difference, but Mr and Mrs are Mr and Mrs hisname surname.
Although if course if that offends/annoys you, you have the right not to be!

cat64 · 08/12/2011 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JoyceDivision · 08/12/2011 00:34

I know... I had to steam wto envelopes open as they had my nephews names on but I couldn't work out if they were nephew or cousins cards! And then, I stuck them back down! Grin hahahahahaa!!!!!

JoyceDivision · 08/12/2011 00:35

I find having a d-b name and saying 'rah rah rah' at the end is sufficient for trumping other d-b pretenders Grin

forkful · 08/12/2011 00:53

YANBU - it literally renders women invisible.

As someone who deeply cares about the long (and ongoing) struggle for women's liberation - I find it offensive and hurtful.

My policy is this - if you send to a married couple where woman has changed surname and you originally knew the man better then address to Jack & Jill Smith if you know the woman better then Jill & Jack Smith.

Challenging sexist behaviour is very important and leads to changed attitudes.