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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it slightly depressing that 80% of the Christmas cards we've received are addressed...

225 replies

flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:14

.."Mr & Mrs [DH's initial] [DH's surname]"?

I probably am. It doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but really, it's 2011 and I am not an appendage of my DH. It wouldn't occur to me to address anything in that way.

It's not just older people, it's our age and younger as well.
They all know my name.
If they don't want to put both initials which I agree would be a mouthful, or an envelope full, they could just put The [Surname] Family, or Mr and Mrs [Surname].

Totally hypocritically, I did take DH's surname when we got married, but at least that actually is my name. At no point did I relinquish my first name as well.

Grrr.

OP posts:
Kayano · 07/12/2011 20:33

I said 'traditional' not 'correct' btw

Just to clarify

AnotherMincepie · 07/12/2011 20:34

What they are doing is the default, traditional way.

If you prefer to be addressed differently on the envelope why not just ask people? They won't know unless you ask.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 07/12/2011 20:34

It's how I normally address post to married couples, (I don't know anyone who hasn't changed their surname), it'd how I was taught to do it as a child, and it never occured to me that people might not like it Blush
Having said that, I rarely send letters, except to my Grandparents both of whom are widowed.

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:36

Yes, traditional does not equal correct.

Feminine · 07/12/2011 20:36

I couldn't care less.

I'd just be happy they had sent a card Confused

Original poster
flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:37

Elderly relatives I don't mind, but it was the two cards I received this morning from one couple our age and one much younger that prompted this thread and made me 'sigh'.

And yes, who decrees it to be 'correct'? Unless my initial actually was the same as DH's, 'correct' is the one thing it isn't!

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:37

Are all you women on here telling me you don't mind being referred to as

Mr (DH Christian initial) Surname?

Really?

forceslover · 07/12/2011 20:38

My mother was widowed earlier this year, her cards just say Mrs, she would be overjoyed to still see Mr & Mrs! There are worse things on life than incorrect envelopes!

Feminine · 07/12/2011 20:39

Damn I really don't mind.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 07/12/2011 20:39

I can't say I get upset about these things. I don't really look at the envelope any way when I am opening the cards

I always address cards to Mr & Mrs HIS SURNAME. no initial. I do this even if I know her surname (which I often don't as only DH's friends seem to have married) or she uses her maiden name. Because to be honest, it is the traditional format and I really don't have time to put that level of thought into it.

Inside the card I tend to put the person I know first (so could be the man or the woman) and then the kids. And then I try to put a suitable personal message. I really would rather spend the time on the card than the envelope

However, if this is about the initial rather than the surname then yes, I agree

Original poster
flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:39

Oh I don't actively get irritated enough to specifically point out to people and ask to be addressed differently.

I just find it depressing and surprising that so many people seem to still consider it to be correct/appropriate, and that it doesn't seem to be something old-fashioned used by older people only.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 07/12/2011 20:40

I like getting post addressed to us in the old fashioned way. I like being married, I like having dh's name and I like dh so I can't see the problem.

But then I've only been married three years and I still feel like a newlywed Xmas Smile

forceslover · 07/12/2011 20:40

Sorry over use of ! and in not on.

purpleknittingmum · 07/12/2011 20:40

This drives me bonkers I am NOT Mrs OH first initial and Surname

when I address a card to a married couple I just put Mr and Mrs Surname, simple!

CupOfGoodCheer · 07/12/2011 20:40

If the card is to husband and wife, both with same surname, then it IS correct to address the card "Mr and Mrs [husband's initial] [surname]

It's correct, whether or not it SHOULD be correct is another matter imo.

Also, addressing cards is a pita, and I would probably shove "Mr and Mrs A Smith" on the front even if the wife hadn't taken the married surname, because I'm lazy.

I don't think that addressing cards in this way in any way denigrates the standing of the woman in the relationship, tbh. Feminism surely has bigger fish to fry?

DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:40

Angel yes, exactly. Me and DH discussed this once and he couldn't see my issue until he was mistakenly referred to as Mr (my surname) and he was not happy! He now agrees.

LAbaby · 07/12/2011 20:40

It might have been correct back in the fifties but I find it really rude. Lots of things that were the done thing in the fifties are now no longer normal.

molly3478 · 07/12/2011 20:41

Never known anyone do this on xmas cards to me and dh except for people in their 80s/90s. Its a bit retro

wonkylegs · 07/12/2011 20:41

I'm more depressed that so far 90% of the cards on the mantle are for DS who is 3!

Kayano · 07/12/2011 20:41

I totally get it about the 'I didn't take his last name' etc

That is rude

But in the case of op who did take husbands name I just don't even think about who prefers what title and or initial etc

I can't remember everyone's title!

Feminine · 07/12/2011 20:41

Its how a married couple should be addressed on an envelope.

so for that reason it sits fine with me.

if my friends started to call me by his name then maybe? Grin

redwineformethanks · 07/12/2011 20:41

If people know that you haven't taken your DH surname, then I think it's disrespectful to refer to you as Mr and Mrs X. However, in your case, if you have chosen to take his surname, then I wouldn't lose sleep over mail addressed to Mr and Mrs T [surname]

Original poster
flowerytaleofNewYork · 07/12/2011 20:42

Yes it's the initial rather than the surname Everybodysscaryeyed

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 07/12/2011 20:42

NO cup it is not correct!

Who the hell says it is correct?

Who?

Is there a law about how to address letters; a legal way in which they must be written to be delivered. It may be 'etiquette' from a social point of view (and don't even take me there) but It is not correct!

Xmasbaby11 · 07/12/2011 20:42

It's very formal to write Mr/Mrs on an envelope isn't it? I'd never do that - always first names and surnames. Not received any like that even from elderly relatives.