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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

225 replies

Skintandselfish · 05/12/2011 18:50

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheFidgetySheep · 05/12/2011 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icameheretotroll · 05/12/2011 18:53

This reply has been deleted

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TheGhostNotMe · 05/12/2011 18:54

YABU. She sees it that she pays inheritance to your Mum, as her daughter, and that your Mum pays inheritance to you as her daughter. I have very little experience with inheritance, but have always heard of the money going to the "next in line" in the family.

dexter73 · 05/12/2011 18:55

Isn't it normal to leave your money to your children though with smaller bequests to other relatives? I assume when your mum dies then the money will be left to you.

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 05/12/2011 18:55

So one day, hopefully in the distant future, you will inherit three houses and what's left of several hundreds of thousands of pounds. And you can have good care in your twilight years too.

grovel · 05/12/2011 18:55

You are horribly out of order. Sorry.

susiedaisy · 05/12/2011 18:56

I can see your point if view, but we have to paddle our own canoe in life and not expect to be pushed all down the river by someone else! I am sure your mum will leave you something one day that's the way it goes!!

pranma · 05/12/2011 18:56

Actually yabu-your granma left her money to her own dd probably with the expectation that when your mum dies she will leave her money to you.That is the way of things surely.I wouldnt expect to leave money directly to my dgc I'd expect their parents to do that.

poorbuthappy · 05/12/2011 18:56

You are but the fact you know you are means something too.
Get it off your chest here and move on.

FabbyChic · 05/12/2011 18:56

Arent you forgetting that when your mother passes what she leaves she will leave to you?

wahwahwah · 05/12/2011 18:56

You are being honest! Your mum is settled and financially sound whereas you are bringing up children, paying a mortgage, etc...

I would never expect a penny from my grandparents though. The annoying thing is that she will have paid inheritance tax on it,and, sadly, when she does pop off, you will do the same the same block of money. Not fair, is it?

dexter73 · 05/12/2011 18:57

So do you think that when your mum dies she shouldn't leave you any money but leave it to your children?

ScaredyDog · 05/12/2011 18:57

My nan has the exact same arrangement. £1k to all grandkids, everything else (including a house worth £300k ish) to my mum and uncle.

You can't help how you feel though, I understand that. But to me it makes sense - passing inheritance along the generations - you will inherit from your mum, I doubt she'll be leaving large sums to your children either.

thestringcheesemassacre · 05/12/2011 18:57

Oh dear, YABU.
Your mother is protecting her future which IMO is very sensible.

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 19:03

Her will sounds perfectly normal to me and what I would expect.

Is what she;s done not normal? I'm not being disingeneous here, it's just that I thought that people generally leave their money to their DC, not their GC.

Tonksforthememories · 05/12/2011 19:04

Both my grandparents have a set up that means DB and I will inherit a significant amount.
DGM1: half to mum and dad, quarter each to me and DB.
DGM2: Quarter each split between DM, DUncle, DB and me.

Although this is partly because DGM2 can't stand my uncle's partner!

Ps and PIL have nothing going to DGC at all, all to DC.

Callisto · 05/12/2011 19:05

You sound so resentful of your mother and her lifestyle that I am amazed you describe your relationship with her as 'close'. I lost my mother recently, to an awful, degenerative disease. The last thing on my mind was any inheritance I might get. As it turns out, I did get some money from her, but I would rather have had more time with her than any amount of money. Your poor mother is still trying to get over the death of her mother - something that is immensly painful and difficult (as you will find out when your mother dies). You are being exceedingly unreasonable to even attempt to discuss this issue with her. Suck it up and be a bit supportive.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 05/12/2011 19:08

Yabu.

Her mum was working hard. She wants you to also work hard. Your mum can now enjoy her fortune, safe in the knowledge she can pay for her own care in her old age. One day her fortune will be yours. Unless she decides to pass her money on to your children. Wink

seenbutnotheard · 05/12/2011 19:09

I am sure none of the responses here surprise you op, but I am not surprised that you need somewhere to vent, and I can understand that.

I am really sorry to hear about your grandmother; the position that you find yourself in now, must be causing you great pain - you say yourself that you feel ashamed about the way that you are feeling.

I think that the £1000 to grandchildren and the rest to children is quite a generational thing, and from your grandmothers point of view, is the norm.

I can however understand how you would like your DM to help you out a bit now. I myself would want (if I had the means) to help out my dc whilst I am still alive and able to witness the benefit, rather than wait until I passed on.

Your DM is more than within her rights to keep hold of the money to try and secure her future in her old age.

But
Is there something in particular that your family needs, or a sum of money that would clear debts for example? It may be easier (if you chose to) to speak to your mum about a specific issue, rather than a more abstract 'general help out'.

SardineQueen · 05/12/2011 19:09

This is the usual way to do things? I don't understand why you are upset, at all. It is quite usual for a parent to leave their stuff to their children, your gran left the money to your mum. That's normal. In turn your mum will leave her money to you. Also normal.

This is exactly the arrangement when my gran died, I was really chuffed that she left us something. It didn't cross my mind to wonder why she hadn't left me more, rather than my dad. That's not how it works.

exoticfruits · 05/12/2011 19:09

YABU. My mother's will splits things equally between me and my brothers. Her grandchildren will get it eventually as DH and I have split ours equally between our 3 DCs. We haven't got grandchildren yet, but I doubt it would change it much or be more than £1000 per grandchild.

Nesbo · 05/12/2011 19:09

it is a fact of life that the age at which we could most do with inheriting money is age we are most likely to get any! Then when we get old and are hopefully settled as a result of our own efforts, that is when we are more likely to get something. Perhaps that is the best way, it encourages us to stand on our own feet and fight our own way through the bulk of our lives. I'd far rather that than inherit early!

discrete · 05/12/2011 19:10

Dh and I were left nothing by any of our gps - nor did we expect to. Their assets went to their dc.

I always saw it as the normal way of things, and would be frankly a bit surprised to see assets left directly to gcs.

SardineQueen · 05/12/2011 19:10

Your ire should be directed at your mum, not your gran.

Nesbo · 05/12/2011 19:11

Damn phone, please ignore the mistakes!