AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

[Skintandselfish]

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

I think it was right for your grandmother to inherit your mother rather than you as this is the natural way of things.

What is not right imo and what I think you have every right to feel disappointed about is that your mother watches you struggle whilst living in some stye herself.

You have the right to ask her for some financial help but be prepared for her to withold it. Old people often become obsessed with the worry of becoming dependent and rely on money to cushion themselves from it. Unfortunately if your mother carries on like this it may alienate you whereas you could be a huge comfort in old age to her. Perhaps you will be regardless.

I sympathise because my folks watch me and my child struggle with a lot of serious things that they choose not to help me with - whilst being very financially comfortable themselves. I have only actually asked for their help perhaps two or three times in 20 years and have now given up asking. In my case it has changed our relationship as I cannot imagine watching my own child struggle in the same way and not helping.

A couple of people have asked why we are hard up when both DP and I work part time. We both have pretty good jobs but have both taken pay cuts as companies are struggling. We bought our home about 10 years ago, refuced our mortgage just before rates dropped 3 year ago and have 2 further years to go on our ridiculous fixed rate. I could bore you further but can assure you we work hard and are sensible with money. Mum knows that.

Maybe she resents your dh working part time?

Argh sorry that should have said that DP and I both work full time.

Incidentally mum has never worked full time and had not worked at all for 10 years. She is in her early 60s.

My grandma left all her money to my bankrupt uncle (none to my mum or her family or my aunt - my grandad had believed in money being passed down the male line). Unsurprisingly he gambled the lot and is bankrupt once again. I'm not bothered about the fact that I didn't see a penny, more about the fact that the money was utterly wasted. At least your grandma left it to your mum who sounds reasonably sensible.

Anyhoo, its your grandmas money - she can do what she likes with it.

YANBU, you are hurt. Money does strange things to people. A relative left some money to me but not to another relative's children. He complained big time even though he was left at least 70 times what I was, therefore his children got a lot more than I did.

I would shut up about money to your mother but be upfront about not being able to do X that she wants too as you can't afford it. Just be calm and factual and maybe she will see that having money in the bank is not worth not being able to share days/meals out with her children and grandchildren.

op. i am in exactly your situation. my grandfather sadly died at 98 earlier this year and probabte just done. my mother has inherited a million while i get a few thousand. i had been led to expect it was more life changing, but hey i'm grateful and although it isn't life changing, i'm going to give it straight to my daughters.

i have felt a flicker of not what i'd call resentment, but something that makes me want to tell my mother to stop complaining sbout how hard done by she was. my father killed himself and she wouldn't even give me some of his cds let lone any money to help us out.

but to myz grandfather (98, and from a frugal era when this amount counted for lots) this was his legacy to my mother and deep down, when all is said and done, i'm glad she has financial security to actually stop a job that was grinding her down, relax, take stock and enjoy herself in her middle age as it makes me sad to think if what she's been through.

this coming from someone who has a difficult relationship at times kwith her mother.

As someone who is unlikely to inherit much, if anything at all, I think you're lucky.

A (not tiny) £1000 is a great gift if you're broke.

And it sounds like you will inherit a fortune later in life.

It's a problem I'd like to have.

Any inheritance is a bonus, IMHO.

apols ipad typing...

the whole issue of inheritance is poisonous for this reason. i have had to listed to hours and hours, weeks and weeks of handwringing abjout this, on top of a year of agonising about who was going to get their hands on his million as he lay in hospital. i thought kthis unseemly, to say the least.

my DH family currently going through a legal battle to do with inheritance which would make Jarndyce v Jarndyce look like nothing and which has split the family.

thing is, this million will get frittered away knowing my mother. but it's her life.

oh, and she laughed when we announced our second pregancy (we live in 2 bed flat) asking where we'd put her......

YANBU to be upset with your Mum.

It seems really odd that your Gran has been really generous to her (even before she died), and that your Mum is so different with you.

Is she supportive in other ways, as you say you are close. I can understand that she wants to be financially secure in her old age- but she sounds very miserly to me.

YANBU to think that we are short of money and actually it would have been better if granny had left us a little more say 5k and mum a little less.

no harm in thinking it - but thats where it has to end

Put it another way - would you rather your mum had died first and your gran outlived your granny and granny had left you all the money? I doubt it, would you swap the future years with your mum alive - you say you are close - or the money?

nothing wrong with coming on here and getting a different percpective

My sister died in March last year, she didn't leave a will but her pension was only divided between me, my mum and my sister.
We all sent a share to my brother, as he was struggling.
I would expect your mum to help you out.

I don't get this sense of entitlement that is so often expressed on here.

Firstly, inheritance is not an entitlement - not even from your mum. If your mum falls into ill health in her later years she may well need that money to pay for her care, and believe me at upwards of £1000 a week a lot of these care homes don't come cheap, so it is highly possible there won't be anything left at the end of it all anyway.

But even if she doesn't fall into ill health she would be just as entitled to sell the houses and piss off round the world on a series of monthly cruises until the money has all gone. You can't take it with you, and I'm a firm believer that people should spend what they have while they still can, rather than scrimping because of their childrens' sense of an entitlement to their money.

As for the fact you are struggling? Well to be frank that's not your mum's problem or responsibility either. You are not a child. Your mum has done her bit - she doesn't owe you money - you are a grown-up and thus responsible for your own financial situation. What have you done to try to improve things for yourself?

Op you know YABU but I do hear what you say. My parents always gave me what they had whilst they were alive as it gave them pleasure to see me get the benefit of it. As a result I will get no inheritance but that's fine by me and I will be the same with my children. However dh dad has recently come into a hell of a lot of money by two inheritances and he will be leaving it all to his girlfriend rather than his kids so dh won't see a penny of it. Don't always assume you will be a beneficiary in your parent's will!

I have been estranged from my mum and one of my sisters for the last 3 years due to a row over inheritance-I got nowt and neither did they but it genuinely didnt bother me,while they were spitting feathers.

Tbh I dont blame you for being pissed off with your mum. I dont buy all the shite spouted on here about standing on your own two feet as far as families are concerned.

Imo families help each other and that includes financially if they are in a position to do so.

OP, have you actually asked your mum for any specific help?

All this talk of inheritance has reminded me of my SIL who banged on about her 'in-'erit-ance' constantly for years before it happened. It always made me feel a bit ill. Someone has DIED, that is what it means, but all she seemed to be interested in was money, how much she'd get, and how she was going to spend it.

When my grandmother died, I never expected for one second to get anything, and I didn't. My mother mentioned she'd gotten some money, but I don't know or care how much. I have my memories of my grandma, and when they were cleaning out her house my mom asked me if there was anything I'd like. I asked for the fridge magnet I'd always liked as a child. It says 'It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice'. I wouldn't trade it for £1,000.

OP, YABVU.

There's nothing like money and death to wrench loving families apart :(

I'm sorry about your Grandma.

If you can put your feelings aside for a minute OP, and look at it from another point of view? Perhaps your Grandma didn't feel you were ready for a large inheritance. Perhaps she genuinely believed you were more able to cope without a large bequest than your mum? Or perhaps she believes you will benefit more later on when your mum passes on?

You can feel that way and you are absolutely welcome to come on here and vent of course, but I would recommend you don't have that conversation with your family lest they feel you are ungrateful and leave any remaining money to the local cats home when they die! :)

I wonder if your mother likes your DH - thats often the reason families are reluctant to pass down money in my experience. Or there's something about your life that she disapproves of perhaps.

I suspect there's more to it if you are genuinely close.

I actually used a will to get rid of vile relatives out of my life. I was not able to get them out of my life, and when a will came along I used it, I had realised that there was no point in discussing the issues with the people and even if I did it would make no difference. I couldn't get rid of them any other way and it was like a knife in my heart. I often wonder if other people do this too! That relative gave me a very big gift with their odd will, and it was not money, it was peace. I do think very often wills fights are not about money at all.

Wannabe, I almost always agree with your posts and the above is true, but you'd have to have a heart like a stone to act like that.

To me, one of the most shocking things about becoming a mum was the realisation that I was going to worry about my child for the rest of my life. I had always assumed that stopped when they got to adulthood (my mum laughed in a hollow sort of way when I told her that).

I agree it may feel hurtful, but your grandmother didn't mean it to be. In her generation there was the "done way" of doing thing, and leaving things to your child(ren) over grandchildrenn was the usual way. To leave a more substantial share to you would have been a slight of your mother (in her eyes).

I was a little surprised when my FIL died a few years back that his two sons inherited nothing - not a sentimental object, a token money gift - it all went to MIL. She would have given us anything of his we wanted (I'm sure she would have offered, just can't recall)... but to actually have been included in the will I would have thought would be a nice gesture/thought. She has repartnered and I know that if they were to marry my husband would have no "right" to any of his fathers things should she die, not the money but the photos, war medals etc. Hopefully it won't happen like that, but I can see how these things so often divide families.

So don't waste the years you have with your mother smarting over this, pondering the what if's... and don't bank on her inheritance either, life can have strange turns and she can do with her money as she pleases (my parents are diligently spending all theirs!). And if she remarries don't bring it up with her, it's her money now and her life...

It is hard, but you need to have respect for your grandmothers wishes and her traditions.

JennyH

wannabe the op works full time, as does her dh, what do you suggest they do to improve things?

As long as my dc is alive, I hope to never stop being a parent. I hope to be supportive in whatever way they need me to - whether that is helping with childcare, helping through illness, emotional support, or indeed financial.

Of course I can do what I like with my time and money, but I hope that I will always be a parent. It is the opposite of entitlement, it is obligation, it is part of unconditional parental love. And of course it hurts when people realise that their own parents don't feel the same way towards them.

I dont think yabu tbh,mil died last yr & fil emotionally blackmailed dh to sign forms to change mil's will,basically everything that dh was to inherit is now being split between the gc,dh will receive nothing.

Yes it's shit cos i actually feel mil's wishes have been pissed all over but fil can do whatever the hell he wants to now,he still comes round to see us but we dont mention the will at all now.

He has double standards as when his own dm passed away he sold her house & kept all the money himself,dh never even got £1 or a small memento,so he felt it was ok for him to inherit from his own dm but dh cannot inherit from his own dm.

Inheritance & money brings out the worst in people,i sympathise with you op,i would not all my ds to struggle if i had the means to help him out.