AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

[Skintandselfish]

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

Maybe just leave it a while longer before broaching the subject then. Sounds like it's early days for your mum.

Maybe you two should get a room somewhere instead of completely derailing this thread!

HolyGhost It does also make me feel so sorry for all those people who pay out thousands for damp treatment to their homes. If only they knew you HolyGhost They could have saved a fortune following your advice of "just cleaning"! It truely is astonishingly wise. Spread the wisdom! [sarcasm alert]

Maybe give it time, she is probably very aware of her own mortality and age at the moment.

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable as it goes. If the three of you were as close as you say, and there is a short 'chain' (you and your mum are only children if you see what I mean) then I expect your Granny was aware of your financial situation? In this case then it woud not have been totally unheard of for your Granny to give you some directly, so save you being beholden to your mother, especially as she is already financially comfortable. I know that the argument is that it will come to you eventually, but if you were that close then I can understand your reasoning.

In any case, just be there to support your mother for now, she sounds to be really struggling. Maybe in the future you can have a discussion.

YABU

OP, granny is leaving her money to her child. It's natural, then I suppose it should come to you.

As for the mould argument. You just can't stop the stuff it's a plague of a thing, you can however keep it somewhat at bay. Washing over with bleach, opening windows and getting a dehumidifier. It has nothing whatsoever to do with being dirty.

But i can understand that not taking these measures and just leaving it is a bit rank.

The thing is, it might be considered the norm, but I don't really see why it is. Surely it makes sense to give the money to your DGC who are struggling and actually need the money now, to whom it would make a significant difference to their quality of life and living standards. It seems so pointless to have given the money to your DM when it will sit in a bank account and probably be very little used.
Obviously this would only stand if your DC are financially secure.

Especially since the money will go to your DGC anyway, and it saves paying inheritance tax twice.
I certainly plan on doing this, particularly if I have been able to help my children with a house deposit or something but they have not been able to do the same for their own DC.
I would also rather as a parent, that if I was totally secure, the money go to my children who need it more.

Its probably not the right time to voice any of this to your DM though, she will still be grieving, and it may be difficult for her. She probably feels guilty for not helping, but too scared to help for fear she may need the money later on. Best just to vent on here :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359186-Had-sister-in-tears-about-damp-flat?msgid=28880527

Just came across this HollyGhost, perhaps you should pop along and tell the OP that her sister is lazy and dirty. Perhaps also you should tell Xroads the same as they used to have a mould problem as well (a few posts down).

well...what to say.

Your Gran was entitled to do as she wished.

your mum is entitled to do as she wishes.

it is not unreasonable to feel bad, knowing that your Mum has chosen not to help. several thousand pounds is more than 'comfortable'. it is unreasonable to say so. you have no right.

Perhaps she needs time, but don't let it poison your relationship with her.

yabu
sorry that the loss of your Gran has hurt so much

This happened to my mum and to my Dad too, but they have always been happy to sluice inherited money down the line to me and my sister, on the grounds that we need it more.

They live in Holland though, and have less to worry about concerning care in old age so on balance I think your DM is being very sensible.

Skint - YANBU! As many others have pointed out, the issue is your mum. There are a lot of older people who simply don't realise how much the younger generation is struggling to deal with huge mortgages and the general high cost of living these days. Because overall standards of living have improved, they don't seem to recognise relative poverty. There are also people who need a lot of money to feel emotionally secure. Maybe your mum falls into both these categories - she certainly seems utterly oblivious to the hurt she is causing you - I don't think you are a greedy person, just genuinely puzzled that your mum won't help you out. You see giving money to your DD as an act of love, yet your mum won't do this for you so I guess on some level you are feeling unloved. It might be worth trying to explain how you feel to your mum, even though it will be difficult to find the right words.

In the future I aim to provide for both my children and my grandchihldren in my will. Sadly we have recieved very little from our parents who inherited. It's odd that they can't see how a young family would benefit from a bit of support - but it is their money though. I aim to act differently when i am in my parents situation.

Okay, I've had clarification as to why my posts were deleted, I disagree that the wording constituted any kind of personal attack, but hey ho.

But I would like to reiterate that I have never called anyone "dirty fuckers" and have never said anything bad about "poor people" despite the post of 07-Dec-11 12:18:06 .

Skintandselfish - before I hide this thread, I want to wish you the very best of luck in resolving things with your dm. I hope she sees sense soon, for her sake as much as yours.

I would find it very difficult if I was struggling financially and my mother had plenty of money and wouldn't help me out. (It's not the case at all, she only has enough to live on and pay her mortgage, I will not inherit anything from my family when any of them die.) If she won the lotto or something, I'm absolutely sure she would share it with her DC. I don't get that impression from the sound of the OP's DM.
As everyone else has said, OP, your grandma did nothing unusual. Your mother telling you your house needs improvements whilst knowing you don't have any spare money and refusing to give you any is quite mean. But if you are an only child, you will inherit eventually anyway. She is preventing you from having to worry about your old age. But unfortunately, you could really use the money now rather than later.

I haven't read all nine pages, but I think I'm unusual in thinking the OP isn't being entirely unreasonable. Her mum is loaded; the OP is skint. True, the OP will inherit in time, but she needs the money now, doesn't she? So of course the mum needs to save some money for her old age, fair enough, but all of it? She has inherited several hundred thousand pounds, she owns three houses and has rental income from one - surely she could give her DD £50k to help her along? Or indeed, the grandmother, knowing the OP is struggling, could have left her a bit more than £1k.

You are Both U and non-U.

U = I reckon your granny did the done thing and left yr Mum the lot, as was normal in her day.

Non-U = However, enlightened oldsters these days, seeing the vast wealth gap between their boomer children and struggling grandchildren, tend to skip a layer of inheritance tax and do something for 20-40 somethings.

But I think the issue is that you think your mother is mean. And on that, I rather agree. Sadly, there's not much you can do about it. Except:

1. Accept that she's tight and let it go.
2. Don't go OTT with daughterly and grandchild family duties. Familes work on mutual reciprocation (ie scratch my back, I scratch yours) so limit yours to what you feel appropriate.
3. Relish the fact your mother is saying the cash is for her old age which lets you off the hook re caring. Make sure she knows that you're taking her words at face value - say, for instance, that you're soooooo grateful to her for watching you struggle without lifting a finger making provision as you feel it makes it much easier to think about moving abroad to get a better quality of life, etc.
4. In tones of bland innocence, tell her about other people who have been kind to you and your DC, and how grateful you are.

Finally, bear in mind that 2-4 very likely won't get you any cash. The key is to adjust your behaviour and disengage your mother from annoying your further.