AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

[Skintandselfish]

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

You know you are being unreasonable. Let it go and enjoy your relationship with your mother. Surely that's worth more than any amount of money.

Yes YABU. But I sympathise. I was in a similar position to you about 10 yrs ago - we were totally broke, I had had to go back to work (reluctantly) after the bare minimum of mat leave with both my DC and we were desperate to move into a bigger house but struggling to keep our heads above water. Some investments that my dad made when my granny died, and left him quite a bit of money, matured and all of a sudden they seemed to have money to burn. I resented it hugely and chuntered about it (to myself and DH) for a few months but finally got it out of my system and forgot all about it, That is what you have to do. No-one is being unfair to you. It's just the way it is.

And FWIW I think your mother is being sensible, and also fair to the future you who might well need you to care for her as she did for your mum.

My SIL recently inherited 200k (no one had to die for this to happen BTW) yet still goes on about how hard done by she is and how she's worked so hard for everything she's got, meaning her house, yet she bought the house with the 200k! As a skint massively in debt type person it pisses me off to hear. I know this is a bit different but felt the urge to share.

I don't think it's uncommon as your Grandmother probably presumed the money would eventually pass to you once your mother passes away.

Gluesticks - how did you SIL inherit without anyone dying?

If I had two houses, then inherited another one plus several hundred thousand. I'd want to give some to immediate family - whether kids, parents, or siblings. Are people so selfish that they wouldn't? Of course no-one should expect to be given money, but surely it's only natural to want to help out your family. Maybe it depends on the amount of money - 10k I'd keep, 50k not sure, but with several 100k I'd certainly be passing some around.

YANBU MY FIL inherited a lot of money and was so appalled to see a massive sum lost to inheritance tax that he immediately passed on a big chunk to us and BIL. Coming a few years ago, when houses were cheaper, it has enabled us to be mortgage free, thus allowing DP to take a risk on setting up his own business and ultimately do really well financially.
FIL can be a miserable old bugger but when he's driving me mad I always remember his generosity - to his credit he has never once held it over us - and we will of course look after him if he ever needs us to because that's what loving famillies do.
I have a friend in a similar position to you OP, trying to raise a boy and a girl in a 2 bedroom house. Her father has surplus inherited wealth, which he would not miss at all but would transform her and her children's lives. She tries very hard not to be bitter. It is a very difficult situation.

I don't think you should feel hard done by but understandably this kind of thing is often a touchy subject.

My grandma is very comfortably off and has let it be known over the years that my mum will get £25k whilst my uncle who has always been the "golden boy" and lives with grandma in her house with his wife, will inherit the house plus the lion's share of her wealth.

Mum is very grateful as she has never had much and she says it's grandma's money and up to her what she does with it. I think that is a lovely attitude to have but in saying that myself and the rest of the family think it's grossly unfair that uncle and his wife will get nearly everything. Incidentally us grandchildren won't get a penny, although I know mum would help any of us out if we needed it.

OP I think you need to be careful of your feelings (which are understandable) and the relationship with your DM. Nothing like money to create festering wounds! Perhaps have a heart to heart with her one day, find out what are her hopes and plans and in particular her fears for the future. Talk about what it was like for her when she struggled many years ago and had to rely on her mother to bail her out. Perhaps if you can understand her insecurities you can leave this little bit of bitterness behind.

I think it is also helpful to remember that that generation don't see 'struggling' in the same way that we do. For them, 'struggling' would have been paying all the rent and the bills but having a tiny budget for food, second hand clothes for all, no car etc. But for us 'struggling' is having 2 cars (because you need it for work), looking 'nice' (again as need to look professional for work), have TV, computers etc, but losing sleep over the mortgage and what will happen when rates go up, having to go back to work full time after having a baby even if you don't want to etc. So your mum may well help you if she really believed you were struggling but in her eyes you are not.

And take heart that unlike my mother it doesn't sound as though she is frittering it away, eg renting out the spare house is entirely sensible at the moment (though obviously poor tax planning is another thing).

It just isn't right to say that it isn't usual for grandparents to will money to their grandchildren. It does happen. My husband has been left money by at least 2 grandparents and my children were left money by a great grandfather. I was pregnant when he died and he actually left one more share than children I had so that the unborn child could also inherit. I have also been left money by a grandparent but won't be left anything at all from my parents. I wouldn't want it so happy about that.

People all do different things and just because it might not have happened in your family doesn't mean it isn't usual or doesn't happen.

The OP can not guarantee her mother will leave any left over money to her when she dies either.

Sadly YABU, it's the way with these things & a lot of families I'm afraid & it can build resentment if you let it - please don't let that happen

but I do understand why you feel the way you do, it doesn't feel fair that your Mum gets to inherit lots, whilst you struggle with a little & need financial help more, but its HER inheritance to do with as she please & your Grandmothers wishes that she does so.

It could be worse - my own Mother inherited a huge sum after my Grandad died - the same Grandad who had told me weeks before he died

"theres money there for you pet,your Mam will see you right"

I honestly answered that I'd rather have him than the money, but after my Mums behaviour with it, thats something I've had to remind myself of a LOT

She decided the money was "dirty money" so she had to spend the lot to get rid of it & spend the lot she did - she took my brother shopping & bought him all sorts of expensive gadgets, refurnished her house completely several times over & gave my Brother everything she replaced - most less than a few months old

She didn't actually give either of us anything to spend ourselves, despite that being our Grandads dying wishes - my Brother did quite well, I got nothing & all the while she bitched about her Brother & Sister giving my Cousins money for Cars, to pay off mortgages etc etc

I suppose what I am saying is, it happens, quite often in fact & it could be far worse, so why let it eat you up, or ruin your otherwise good relationship with your Mum, nothing is ours by right, until we actually own it, so its a problem you are just going to have to get over & learn to live with, I don't blame you for feeling a bit let down though, but try & have some understanding of your Mums choices, she actually DOES have quite good valid reasons for saving it - more than my own Mum did

Well I don't think YABU - especially as you are feeling bad about it.

You're a young family struggling along, and you see your mum with several hundred spare K and an empty house - of course you're going to really wish she'd help you a bit more!

I know it's normal to leave money to 'the next in line', but if I have any when I die, I don't think I'll do it that way: generally it seems to be fairly well-established couples in ther 50s who inherit money they don't really need by that time: the time to help people is when they're young and starting families.

I know it's against general MN consensus, but my parents have and would help us, and I have asked and would ask for help - I very much hope my children will do the same, and that I'll be able to do so.

I see your point and I understand that, although you don't want to, you feel upset about your inheritance.

If someone cares for you and loves you, why wouldn't they want to mark that in their will?

In both my and my OH's families, the lion's share of the inheritance went to the children but substantial sums were given to the grandchildren (us and our siblings) too. In the last six years, three grandparents died and they all did similar things. Our parents were all delighted that we were acknowledged in the wills and would be given the money at a time in our lives when we could do something useful with it (not to say securing long-term care in our dotage isn't useful but we are only in our mid-thirties/early-forties so have a way to go on that one). Additionally, both sets of parents are affluent; no one is relying on the money to help our immediate futures.

As such, OP, I understand why you're disappointed but it seems like your grandmother took a very traditional approach to her will. It was her will (in both senses of the word) and I think you have to accept her wishes, much as it might be frustrating/upsetting. Don't feel ashamed of your feelings but appreciate that people won't be very sympathetic, especially as many people's view might be that you should be grateful to get anything. And I can see that viewpoint too.

Hope you get in a better place about this very soon.

OP I think this is a rotten situation for you as to feel the love of a parent is important even for an adult. I don't think the reason that your grandma mainly inherited your mum instead is that she didn't love you. Possibly your mother loves you even though her actions don't suggest it.

Why not get some counselling to help you come to terms with this situation - it's bad enough that things are as they are regarding not being left more money by your grandma and not being helped by your mum. Feeling upset about it all just makes it all even worse - and it is probably the only aspect of this that is within your power to change going forward.

I seem to be against the consensus here but I think this is dreadful. I absolutely cannot understand how parents can watch their children struggle, especially when they own three houses! Your mother has clearly got her own needs covered by a factor of about a million. Yanbu to think that some help would be forthcoming. Also tax etc will mean that some of the money will end up wasted rather than helping family.

YABU. It's normal to pass to the next in line. Your mum has a right to her views, but I think I would also be hoping she would be considerate enough to help out if there is something specific that would benefit you. I'm not sure what you can do though if there is nothing specific you need the money for.

I never received anything from gp either. I have to say I was disappointed as well because even a small proportion of what my parents inherited would have made my life (unemployed new graduate) easier at that stage. I was jealous when others inherited enough money to go travelling or put down a deposit on a house. However, my parents weren't that well off and the money was very useful for them.

I think that unless inheritance is clearly understood within a family by everyone from an early age, it can cause huge resentments.

I have always been happy that it goes down to the next generation. My grandparents left to my parents and uncles and aunts, my mother is leaving to me and my brothers and we are leaving to our 3 DCs. We haven't grandchildren yet, but I can't see it changing (I suppose it might)

I don't know if you're being unreasonable or not, but I was in exactly the same situation as you when my Grandad died and I felt exactly the same. My brother and I had a horrible whispered conversation at the funeral about how our £1000 each barely covered the costs of attending the funeral (lost earnings and travel costs), then felt really ashamed of ourselves and never mentioned it again.

I think what made me most sad is that my parents are unbelievably careful with money, so this inheritance will literally sit in their bank account until they die, when it will pass to me and my siblings. Not wanting to tempt fate, but I hope my kids will be older then, we'll have paid off the mortgage and we won't really need it. But in the meantime we're running ourselves ragged trying to make ends meet and even a couple of grand would have made a huge difference to us. I wouldn't have minded if I thought my parents were going to have a whale of a time with the money, but they won't, and it just seems such a waste.

But you can't say any of this in real life, as you know.

I do think your Mum has double standards here op,you say further upthread that your gm gifted your dm some money to buy herself a holiday home,so she sees it as perfectly fine for her own dm to gift her money yet she cant do the same for you?

Like i said earlier my dh has had a similar situation happen in our family,when his own gm died we never actually saw her will but it later came out that sil had been left some money & dh had nothing,despite the fact there was only himself & sil as gc.

What can you do? nothing but grit your teeth,but i do believe in karma.

At least you have your health & family op,i hope your dm sees this thread actually & realises how selfish she is being.I would never allow my ds & his future family to struggle if i could help out.

You mother should be ashamed for not offering you your grandmas house, really she should be looking after her own.

But she seems not to give a shit. Perhaps she will get a young boyfriend who will fleece her dry.

"My brother and I had a horrible whispered conversation at the funeral about how our £1000 each barely covered the costs of attending the funeral (lost earnings and travel costs), then felt really ashamed of ourselves and never mentioned it again."

Jesus. What a fucking horrible thing to say. Do you normally expect the dead to pay your expenses when you attend their funerals then?

My mother inherited from my grandmother and my great-grandmother within six months of each other. She did not share, in any way, and blew the lot within two years. As a result, I will never inherit anything. And yes, it does make you bitter, and then you feel ashamed because you're displaying a 'sense of entitlement'. Still bitter though. We were really struggling at the time and she had the potential to help and chose not to.