AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

[Skintandselfish]

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

I think it is understandable to feel the way you feel. But I also think it is normal for people to leave most of their estate to their DCs.

Also your mum is being reasonable to be worried about care in her old age and to want to have money to make sure she is looked after well. This can be very very expensive and it doesn't sound as if you would be providing this care if she did not have the money.

You make me sick my gran died recently i'd give anything to have her back. Your mum deserves the money her mum left it to her not you. I'm sure when your mum dies you will inherit.

I haven't read the entire thread - got tired of the self righteous YABU so forgive me if the tide turned at some point.

The inheritence is a red herring in many ways. This is about a mother who is financially secure but is refusing to help out her daughter (and worse using her grief as some sort of cover/explanation) who is struggling.

Yes I know this is MN. We should all be grateful for whatever crumbs our parents throw at us, but is it really to much to expect a little bit of financial support from parents who can well afford it.

I know without a doubt that I would help my DC's wherever necessary.

OP I am sorry for you loss.

Sara just where do you pick up that the OP's mum is using her grief as a cover? OP does not say this or imply it.

You don't read the thread then call YABU posters self-righteous. On what evidence?

OP has not said how she struggles, by the way (not that she owes an explanation). She has a small house and she and DH work full-time. How is that bad?

The only way the OP's mum has fecked it up has been by saying she would help out and then not doing it.

You say you "know you would help your DCs wherever necessary". Who will judge the necessity, you or your DCs?

I think the last two posts have made some very valid points. The inheritance has highlighted the fact that the mother has what seems like surplus finances whereas the daughter is 'struggling'

echt is right in saying who should judge necessity?

I am a loving mother (I hope) but have one daughter who pleads poverty whilst buying lots of new clothes. The other daughter manages her money very well and doesn't fritter and never pleads poverty. Their financial circumstances are very different but I can't judge who's need is greatest.

One has money in the bank but long term financial needs (but possibly chance of a better career). The other lives hand to mouth but spends it as soon as she has it. This daughter's sense of dissatisfaction with her 'wealth' is possibly never going to be satisfied because she likes to shop.

(No slur on OP intended with any comparision to my DC!)

The inheritence is a red herring in many ways. This is about a mother who is financially secure but is refusing to help out her daughter

I think that this is the main point and it isn't about Grandma. I shall leave everything between my 3 DCs, I would then assume that they could help out grandchildren-otherwise where do you stop? If you are elderly do you include great grandchildren? Is it fair if one of your DC has 4 DCs and one doesn't have any? There are all sorts of questions-much simpler to split it between your DCs and leave it up to them.

Well apart from anything else, the "next generation gets the lot" method is very tax inefficient, and as such, people with taxable estates usually don't do it.

As it stands, the OP's Grandma's estate has been taxed at 40% (over £350k ish) and then when it passes intact to the OP from her mother (which is not unlikely given that the OP's mother has rental income and lives mortgage free) it'll all be taxed again. OP's mother has 3 properties and has inherited "several hundred thousand pounds"- that could be a £1m estate right there- or, to put it another way, c. £200k or tax that never had to be paid.

Therefore, when considering who to pass money to once you die, it makes more sense to pass it down to someone who might actually spend it in their lifetime- eg the GC's. Unless you like paying tax of course.

I come from a family where my GPs helped my parents out when they were younger, and in turn my parents have helped us out. We will in turn help our kids out.
My grandparents and parents have taken the attitude of "there's no point in the money sitting doing nothing if it could be used to someone's benefit.
My parents have been far from wealthy, but have been fairly comfortable in retirement, and have helped us with a chunk of money here and there to pay off part of our mortgage. This has freed up a few hundred each month to allow us to have a life as well as pay a mortgage.
Some families are like this, some aren't.
To the OP, I wish yours was, I think I'd be feeling a bit aggrieved in your position too, so YANBU :)

Just wanted to say I am still here and really appreciate all the responses.

I agree now (and I think that this thread has helped me to see this) that IABU to have felt maybe grandma should have organised her will differently. To the posters who think my rant reflected a callousness towards loosing grandma- I assure you this is not the case. I loved her dearly and miss her terribly. The thought that I would rather have her gone so that the money she saved can be released (as some people have suggested) is dreadful and absolutely not true.

I admit to feeling a sense of entitlement towards mum helping a little. I now realise is abhorrent to some, and understood by others to varying degrees. it's the way I feel and I wish it would go away and let me be.

My grandma worked very hard all her life, saved ferociously and lived a frugally. During her lifetime she bailed my mum out of several financial holes, helped her maintain her big beautiful home and gifted her money to buy a holiday home.

I very much wish mum would help me out with some practical stuff e.g. To replace our doors and two windows, sort out our roof. The same sort of stuff that grandma helped mum with.

We are happy at home. I do not loudly plead poverty because we have a home and the essentials. We work hard and do not spend money willy nilly (no designer clothes or flat screens here ). However, a few small things would make the world of difference and I do feel mum has it in her power to transform our lives quite drastically if she wished without making much of a dent in her finances.

However it is her choice not to help us- I know that. I do not understand it though, mainly because I know that I will want to support DD throughout her life and would not be able to stand by watching from one of my 3 houses counting my savings while she was having a tough time.

There is an irony in our house today as DP have decided we will not buy Christmas Presents other than for DD so that we can get the loft insulated. Mum was put out by this- she is currently in her holiday home which she has recently had decorated throughout, two log burners fitted and is now renovating an 'out house' so that it can be used as a room- complete with another log burner.

I wouldn't admit it IRL but I honestly think grandma would have preferred her hard earned money to be used to help us out a little when we really need it rather than renovating mums shed so that it will be warmer and more lovely than our home- oh dear this had turned into another rant!!

I haven't read the whole thread OP, read the first two and last pages, but I agree with what has bene said above that this sounds like it's more to do with your Mum not helping you out than about your Grandma.

I can also see that you realise YABU, and you don't like feeling this way, which reflects well on you.

Would it help you to think of it like this>.....it's a relief, a relief that you don't have to worry about care of your DM as she gets older, that it won't be you having to make the very difficult decisions between the care she really wants/needs and what you/she can/can't afford. I know this is something both DH and I worry A LOT about when we think of our parents getting older, and knowing that they had plenty of money in savings/property/investments etc. to ensure that they could be as comfortable as possible, would be a big relief, a huge comfort.

So maybe try and think about the positives of this arrangement - it's one less thing for you to worry about, you know your DM will be fine in her old age, as you say, you are happy at home, you are really fine.

D

Yes Delia I guess that is a good slant on the situation. I will try to let the positives make me feel better about things.

Echt

I get the impression that mum is using her grief as a cover, from the OP's statement that she tried to discuss this situation with her mum and her mum got "very angry and upset". I am not suggesting that the OP's mother is not genuinely grief stricken just pointing out that being so is not an excuse to shy away from other important issues.

I read half the thread and observed that those posts I had read were self righteous - I am struggling to see a problem with that?

The OP has said that she is "very skint" and that "money is a constant worry" living like that sounds like a struggle to me. I am surprised anyone would think not.

I would hope I would be in a position to judge necessity but if I wasn't and my DC's tried to raise the issue of money with them I hope my reaction would not be to get "angry and upset" and then ignore it as the OP's mother has chosen to do. I certainly cannot envisage a future scenario where I own several properties, have several hundred thousand in the bank and my DC's are "very skint" and I refuse to even dis cuss the situation with them.

Do you think your mother disapproves of your marriage or the way you choose to live your life? Just wondering if she is using the money to indicate her displeasure? My godmother is a millionaire in her own right, and is also married to one. She once told me she'd help me out when (not if) my marriage broke down

I must admit your mum does seem incredibly unfair. I think you need to lay it on the line about how broke you are without actually asking for money and see if reality hits her then.

Delia i quite agree, and this was what I was trying to express in my post and to explain to the OP the sheer awfulness of not being in that position. Knowing that your beloved mother will be OK in her vulnerable old age is simply a monumental piece of peace of mind if you have had to experience the alternative.

It's not fun at all to have to tighten your belt severely as a young person (believe me, I know!), but it is a world away from not being able to protect a dearly loved older family member from loss of dignity, abuse and other awful things that don't cross our minds when we are young and strong.

as others have said i dont think you feel resentment with grandmas but you do with your mum as she CAN help you out but wont

i got left £5k from my grandmas when she died 13years ago and that went towards deposit for our mortgage - £5 is a lot now but back then was wow and in total shock

dh gran left him 12.5% share of her house but that was as she knew her son, dh dad wouldnt share it with his children - nan had 2 sons, one got 50% and other 12.5% and the 3 grandchildren got 12.5% each- needless to say dh dad was FURIOUS and asked his 3 children for their share - which we refused - and the other son/our uncle shared his 50% with his kids as nan knew he would - but tbh would have been easier if she shared equally lol

sorry have seemed to have woffled and got off topic

i would like to think that any parent who could help out their child/ren financially could and would

what i can say is talk to an ifa about your mortgage, same thing happened with us, we fixed at 6.19% 3 years ago and then rates dropped :( - we brought ourselves out of our rate think a year ago, yes it cost think £1500 but that went on our mortgage, then think we were paying 3% and payments dropped by £400 a month so within 4mths we had made back what we paid to get out of our mortgage iyswim

Ghoulwithadragontattoo how did you SIL inherit without anyone dying?

It was an early inheritance thing. The parent handed down something of huge value for SIL to do with as she wished.

ElaineReese* generally it seems to be fairly well-established couples in ther 50s who inherit money they don't really need by that time: the time to help people is when they're young and starting families.^

I don't agree with that at all but perhaps that's because I have parents who have been poor their whole lives and always will be. For them to inherit money would be amazing for them and would mean that perhaps they could live in a house NOT covered in mould and damp.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo how did you SIL inherit without anyone dying?

It was an early inheritance thing. The parent handed down something of huge value for SIL to do with as she wished.

ElaineReese generally it seems to be fairly well-established couples in ther 50s who inherit money they don't really need by that time: the time to help people is when they're young and starting families.

I don't agree with that at all but perhaps that's because I have parents who have been poor their whole lives and always will be. For them to inherit money would be amazing for them and would mean that perhaps they could live in a house NOT covered in mould and damp.

think you can gave a certain amount every year as a gift to someone and not pay tax - unless they then die within 7 years - or something like that

living in a house covered in mould is a hygeine issue. I've lived in various horrible rented houses, poorly ventilated, painted with cheap paint. Using dettox every month, and opening the windows in all weather is not fun, but preferable to mould. Alternatively you could help them paint with anti-mould paint.

OP, you say your Mum was put out by your not being able to afford Christmas presents this year - how did she express it? In your shoes, I would have to raise the issues with her, simply to stop bitterness eating away at me.

HollyGhost Not it's a "shitty council house with severe damp" issue!

HollyGhost Did you ever see that program about kids living in poverty? There were these children living in flats that were riddled with damp so that the furniture couldn't be put against the walls. They were clean homes, just mouldy and had water running down the walls.

There have been a few programmes where they have shown mould and complained that the council puts it down to "condensation". And it nearly always is. You have to open windows, especially if showering, and clean bathrooms with bleach etc. If it is bad you need to use a specific mould cleaner.

Some of the individuals on these programmes simply did not know how to clean, or felt that they should not need to do it.

hollyghost she said it would be a shame not to have the usual 'present opening' session on Christmas Day (we are spending Christmas Day at mums). She also said it might be awkward if people buy us gifts and we do not reciprocate- but this is taken care of already as our friends are doing a secret Santa thing do each person has just one gift to buy.

Mum is really struggling ATM, she says she is haunted by thoughts of grandmas last days and her last Christmas (when she was very very poorly). She feels terribly guilty about done aspects of grandmas care, whereas I feel we did our very best- yes we made mistakes along the way but we did everything we could. To be honest I do think mum needs some help coming to terms with grandmas death and other rated issues. I have suggested this but she brushes me off then gets angry.

That is a shame, and I can see why you don't want to raise the issue again, under the circumstances.

Is there anywhere else she can get support - church etc? Maybe carers organisations? There is a limit towhat any carer can do.

nothing splits a family faster than a will

my sisters MIL has just inherited a large sum, and already they are all at each others throats