AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

[Skintandselfish]

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. I certainly don't understand why your mother doesn't help you. I think that that is very sad.

It may be very well a cultural issue. In Britain it seems very much 'you are out on your own, don't expect help from your family, don't feel "entitled" to anything'. On the continent it is not like that, family helps out, family sticks together, and not just family but close friends as well. Sure, there are exceptions, but that is what they are: exceptions, not the norm. Britain is a very individualistic society, a society of loners almost. Also, many of the very wealthy people in Britain did get considerable help from grandparents/parents, but they may forget about that.

However, the situation is as it is. If your mother doesn't want to help you then there is very little you can do. Try to move on and try not to be bitter about it. Good luck, hopefully things will improve for you and your family.

OP, if I'm honest, I'd feel the same as you in your situation. But I'd also know that I was BU.

My grandparents left us nothing too and it went to parents etc. The only grandchild to inherit separately was a cousin who doesn't have contact with his dad and is unlikely to inherit anything through him.

I would feel the same way as the OP - if the mum can see her and her family struggling and has excess money why not help them out now rather than 20-ish years down the line when the granddaughter will have left home? If you love your daughter and granddaughter - why not do it? I don't get it.

My mum added to what my great aunt left me so that I could buy a flat outright when I was 25.

My DH's mum passed on her whole inheritance from her parents to her two sons so they could buy family homes. She already had a house and a holiday home so felt that we needed the money more than she did.

Plus you avoid death duty.

I would do the same for my children. You want to see them set up for life. Until I got unexpectedly pregnant with baby no. 2 I was hanging on to my old 1 bed flat and renting it out with the belief that I would give it to DS when he turned 20. The price of property is so ridiculous you need a hand unless you are earning way above average.

Ha. God bless Mumsnet - have read the whole thread since posting and I think most people are at least trying to be empathetic. My faith in this forum is restored.

I think you're right about entitlement and parental responsibility. But only you know the relationship between you and your Mum and whether you can broach anything without it being WW3.

Could you ask for help with one specific thing as a test and see whether that works OK? I am hoping this might help...but as a warning I did the same with DM and asked for help to leave the ex - my rent deposit, not much else, she had just inherited shy of £1m - and she said she'd loan it 1% below base.

I didn't take the money. Evil, money grasping, argh...

Really OP, please don't become like me, it poisons everything. You are not going to change your Mum. If she didn't offer anything voluntarily, she's not suddenly going to...so try to have the moral superiority to accept that is how she is.

Hardest thing in the world, I know. Incredibly unfair. Repeat the Serenity Prayer ad infinitum! Am thinking of getting it tatooed onto my wrist so I can cope with DM and PILs over Xmas! Either that or mainlining gin...

She DOES love you. But for whatever reason, money is important to her. In a twisted way, it may be to help you ie future nursing home fees. Smile through it...

I think it is definitely British to leave the money to the next generation but maybe that has come from an expectation that they would inherit in their 30s rather than their 60s? It is kind of bonkers when you think about it, leaving all your money to the retirees rather than the generation that is struggling to bring up a family.

And that point that Holly made (sorry to keep harping on about it!) about people of that generation not really understanding the way things are now. My parents rented a room in a house and saved for their first house - it cost £2,500 which was a couple of years' salary for them. Now, even a deposit is a couple of years' salary :(

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I repeat something that has already been said.
FWIW - whether YABU or not, I really sympathise with you, it must feel horrible to even feel the way you do.
Maybe when you are able to get to a place where you feel less angry about this, and your Mum is coping better with her grief - perhaps you could suggest she gets some professional advice about managing this money - especially to ensure she is well looked after in her old age, but that it is managed so that she doesn't end up handing over great chunks of it to the taxman.
My DP's parents are fairly well off, but not rich, but have assets in their home and savings. He couldn't speak to them about this without feeling as if he was being 'grasping' so didn't - but by happy accident they went to see a financial advisor who must have said something to them about planning for the future. This has meant that they gift a modest sum of money to us every month - which is income that is surplus to their needs - they don't miss this money and is in incredibly useful to us.

YABU. It's normally the way things are done I think - passing to your own children rather than your grandchildren.

As for your mother, I think you expect far too much. You're an adult, not a child. Whether struggling or not, it isn't up to anyone else to support you. Yes, it'd be nice, of course. It'd be nice for anyone - but most don't have that priviledge. What would you do if there was no inheritance at all?

You need to think yourself lucky that you have an inheritance to look forward to in the future which many don't have. Your mum has had to wait for hers, so you wait for yours too. That's generally how it works for those fortunate enough to inherit anything.

YANBU. I agree you can't blame your Grandma. She was following the 'normal' rules of inheritance. Possibly she thought your Mum would help you out. But instead your mum is being rather selfish. She has three houses FGS.

When my reasonably well-off grandfather died a few years ago he left everything to his DCs, not a sausage to DGCs. But my Mum let me have £20k. (and she has only one house!)

Sorry, this probably doesn't help, but I don't think you are wrong to feel some resentment. Probably, as has already been said, your DM doesn't realise what a struggle it is for people of your generation with a family.

Very odd that she should leave a token £1000 against the hundreds of thousands given to the mother. It seems the grandmother gave it to the mother in the (reasonable) belief that it would, in turn, be passed to the grand-daughter. Although when you are talking "hundreds of thousands" it seems very mean of the grandmother and (moveover) the mother not to be much more generous when the grand-daughter is struggling. At the same time, to complain when you stand a good chance of eventually an amount that most people will never see, seems selfish.

If I were you I'd feel hard done by, but you should be far from "hard done by" in the fullness of time.

sorry...meant, "eventually inheriting an amount that most people will never see.."

OP, I feel for you too and agree this isan't just about you wanting your DGM to have left money onto you.

MN has some funny rules about never relying on help from your parents, but yet I personally cannot imagine ever seeing DS struggle when I know I could easily do something to help him out.

I do believe that our parents generation have little idea about the pressures that ours are now experiencing. My parents just cannot fathom out why we have such a massive mortgage despite living in a 2 up 2 down and why we need two incomes. Its very different to how life was for them.

I'm not really sure what to suggest, but wanted to post my thoughts and to tell you that what you are feeling is understandable.

Having seen how my own MIL went from financially comfortable (very similar to OPs mum) to in need of support merely from losing the function in her legs and suddenly needing a private nursing home rather than NHS (NHS ones not doing the right kind of hoist to get her onto the commode [hmmm]), I can kind of see where the OPs mum is coming from. When you are old it is very hard to improve your own prospects.

Though of course it would be nice if she could still see her way to lend the OP a hand.

My MIL was always very generous before disaster struck- but then there came a time when we were very worried in case we would have to pay the nursing home: her previous generosity would have made us feel obliged but we are also not well off and have 2 children, so it would have made our lives very difficult. Cuts both ways, as a lot of these things do.

stinkingbishop you should really tell your mother that you have had to cut down on christmas spending this year due to having two babies to buy for (congrats on your twins!) When I was pregnant with my twins last year family didn't expect anything from us, although we did buy, but not a huge amount! Good luck with the baby shopping

OP, I, for one, think YANBU. I fail to see how I would ever stand by and see my children struggling when I would be able to help. You have obviously been through alot with your mother and have in turn been a great support to her and your grandmother when she was ill. It would be nice for her to be there for you and your little family when you need some help, wouldn't it? I do suspect that your grandmother assumed that your mother would be passing on some money to you if needed- I know alot of families leave to the children who in turn go on to share the money the grandchildren.

Yabu, unless you are in imminent danger of losing your home or other disaster. You are young and strong, both you and your DH have jobs and you have many years before retirement. You would just like to have more money to spend- fair enough, most of us would like to be more comfortable, no matter how much we have.

However, your DM is at the end of her earning life, if not already retired, and she is right to be scared of old people's homes. I think even if you haven't much knowledge of her fears, you should at least try to understand.

My GM had to go to one as she couldn't be cared for at home due to her illnesses and we couldn't afford private nursing at home. We all did the best we could to get her into the nicest place possible, but it was still awful and nothing like her home in which she had been so happy. We tried so hard to make things nicer for her, bringing in nice soaps, shower gels, etc (which were invariably stolen before we returned the next day), came to visit as often as possible (my mother was driving a round trip of 700km every weekend to get there) brought healthy food that she she liked whenever possible and so on. She was still in awful surroundings, lost weight scarily fast due to the awful food, and went through other things I would never want any vulnerable person to have to go through.

My DM and I were so stressed and cried so many tears over this. If my DM received a windfall which meant she would not have to suffer this, i would be so very grateful. Those nursing homes are phenomenally expensive and as someone else said upthread, your DM will probably need all the money she has to pay for a good one.

yanbu and Im using my family as a benchmark here - My mum would have absolutely given me a fair amount if she had been left that much. Infact I know full well if she inherited several grand she'd make sure my house was paid off at the very least so I could finally afford to get a pt job and spend more time with the kids.

You mum wont need several hundred g's to get her by in her twilight years if she has a few houses aswell.

My mum would rather die than have aload of money and see me worry. Same goes for me. Ive given our kid a tenner when I had planned to use it for a chippy but he needed petrol. To me your situation is the same (on a larger scale obv.)

Money doesnt equal love as someone else said BUT IMO being able to help a daughter and her family out is a part of love and being close. Family help each other out where they can, and your mum can.

Sorry Yabu. It is only right for it to go to your mum. However, I do think it would be wise for her to pass some money onto you each year. Think inheritance tax.
We had a different problem in our family where an uncle left his estate to the children of one of his brother's and the rest of the cousins got nothing. What really hurt abourt that if most of the cousin's getting the estate were wealthy in their own right.
Another uncle had no will so all the nieces and nephews inherited and my mum got nothing as dad had already passed away. However, we all agreed to give her some of our inheritance. To me these situations are far worse than yours I'm afraid.

However, what Molly said is true too. Your mum is definately being unfair.

yes you are. My Granny left all of her money to her kids, and small amounts to the GC.

Be happy that when your Mum ages she will have a safe financial future

Look you are only human but you need to SNAP THE FUCK OUT of this OP!

Its very hard to snap out of feeling that your mum isnt being a 'mum' though Porca. I'll always be a mum - that means not seeing my kids go without if I can comfortably help them (ie. OPs mum) IMO thats the difference between being a mum and just being a parent.

and with several hundred grand and 3 houses, unless OPs mum is Bubbles De Vere off Little Britain, then she will have a more than safe financial future, 20 times over.

From a tax point of view it would have made more sense for your gran to leave the money to you rather than passing it to your mum who'll pass it on in due course. Her way means paying two lots of inheritance tax (assuming the amounts will be over the tax free threshold) whereas that would have only been paid once if had come to you.

I'm pretty sure there is a mechanism for varying a will within a certain period after it was made. Maybe you could approach your mum and see how she would feel about you inheriting a bit more under your gran's will. I think it could be done so long as you and your mum and agreed about it. Obviously not that clear how much your mum might be willing to do in this respect but a chat with a solicitor if she is amenable would be a good idea.

fair point, but the issue is the Mum not sharing, rather than the will. I think the will is fair. her Mum is being a tight arse

In your mother's situation, I would give you some money

I would probably do that other MN no-no though, and stipulate what I expected it to be used for

roof repairs, a car for example

not on holidays/fancy gadgets

You are being spolit.
I hope your Mum spends all the money.