AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

[Skintandselfish]

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

I can see where you're coming from, and it's much better to express feelings of resentment here than with your mother.

My mother recently inherited my grandmother's house and savings when she died. Dm decided to get a deed of variation written up to pass about 50% of that money to me and my brothers. Though actually in the end she's amended the deed so that my third ha actually been passed to my own three children because we wanted it that way - dcs have money put away for when they are older that they can use for whatever they want and to remember my mother and grandmother by. My brothers were in a tighter financial position and they have used their money towards mortgage deposits.

Similarly, my pils have gifted us a large amount of money (and both brothers in law) because they wanted the pleasure of seeing us financially secure while they a alive rather than once they die.

So I can see the benefits of doing this, as a recipient. But at the same time your mother has nursed her elderly mother and cannot face poor care for the elderly and that is a legitimate fear. that's reasonable of her, to want to ensure that she doesn't have the same problems that your grandmother had. My mothers take on it though was that she didn't want her money (that had come from her own parents scrimping and saving and living in quite austere conditions in the 40s and 50s) to be frittered away on her having to pay for her care when it could be spent on more positive things. Her opinion. Just like she has no intention of stopping smoking because the idea of being 90 with dementia horrifies her, having seen it first hand with her mother.

So I will not condemn you for feel resentment, but if you look at things from your mother's perspective, it must be hard for her too.

Sorry, Kahuna, it isnt, not in the currency I am referring to, it is "just" 250 kr, and you cant get much for that. Small lego set mayb. Or half a pair of trousers.

I wouldnt say that is pretty generous... £300 would be generous... £30 is really nothing when you are wealthy.

If it were me I couldn't stand by with a few hundred grand and 3 houses and watch my only child struggle, that's odd.
And I know if I ever did have any decent cash ( v v unlikely) I would rather my kids have it than hoard it for my old age.
I understand why you feel like you do OP but I would be upset with my mother, not grandmother.

(Also, even if £30 is generous, I dont think it is when the giver is a millionaire. He spends less than £100 in total for both children for Christmas and birthday. And he knows we are struggling. In our situation, I also think he should have taken into consideration that we have had a serious amount of caring for him and his wife, and spent considerable amount of time doing chores at their house every week.)

Agree with those saying why would a parent watch you struggle when they could help. I have very generous parents, and know I am very lucky. We would all help each other out if any of us, including siblings, needed it. DH's family is the same.

I don't understand why she wouldn't help you out even if it was an interest free loan until you got on your feet. I understand why you are frustrated by that aspect.

Wow.

Point taken QS.

Squeakytoy - I don't tend to run an audit of people's finances and then make an assessment as to whether or not the amount they've spent is acceptable in proportion to their wealth, so I do think of a £30 gift as generous.

I would have thought a new desk was quite a lot to ask a grandparent, actually. Unless it's made of plastic and from Ikea or something.

People are saying your mum doesn't want the same problems in d age as your grandmother, but your gran had lots of cash and it didn't seem to help her really?

as cheap as ikea!

Caring and chores are a whole other kettle of fish, QS, and I can see your point there.

I just don't think £30 on a birthday present automatically = tightfisted. Obviously, there are other issues there, which weren't apparent when you first posted.

Pooka I agree with your mother!

If you were saying this to your mother, you'd be unreasonable, but you're not, you're venting on here and there's nothing wrong with that. I agree with a few people who've said that it's odd to watch your children suffer too.

My parents spend about £30 on their grandchildren at Xmas and birthdays and I think that seems about right. It is about that thought rather than the value surely? Although I think your dad is very mean quint but it wouldn't be the value of your children's presents that would rankle me, it's everything else.

I also know my parents now have become very worried about the plummeting value of their investments and their pensions. And given that our family seem to live to a very ripe old age, they could be having to support them for a very long time indeed.

I don't think it's so terrible that your grandma left nearly all her money to your mum. But, with your mum having 3 houses and several hundred thousand pounds, I am surprised she hasn't offered to help you out, and I'm not surprised you feel hurt by that. I think if I were in your mum's position I'd pass on some of the money to my kids, whether they were struggling or not.

I don't get the OP's Mum's issue with care in a nursing home either, care in the community is appauling also, lots of reports about it in the press.

If I was nearing old age, wealthy and had children, I would think that I had treated them well enough and brought them up the right way that they would want to care for me, or oversee care for me, witholding lumps of money from the hand that will feed you in your old age (your children who may have power of attorney for you etc), is quite foolish imho!

I think it's a difficult one. Did your grandma and mother struggle when they were young and feel it's the way of the world?

My mother inherited the vast majority of my grandparents' money and is a very big spender. She has worked her way through the majority of that money and my grandparents knew she would and for that reason left me a significant amount of money which was a tiny percentage of what my mother inherited. I expect to inherit next to nothing from my mother.

My father died ten years ago and left me a small(ish) amount of money compared to his overall estate so that his wife (my stepmother) had the benefits of his properties for the rest of her life - I think she will go on for ever.

DH's parents have never given their children a penny in spite of inheriting from MIL's parents and an aunt and having salted away a fortune over the years. MIL will not countenance tax planning because in her opinion, it won't matter to her when she's dead.

Our children are teenagers now and within reason we will help them. They have both had a good education and will have their university fees and reasonable living expenses. I suppose also as part of tax planning we will help them a bit with property. However, neither DH nor I expected to receive anything and I would rather my father had not been struck down by cancer when for the first time in his life he had found happiness. It is satisfying though to know that what we have, by and large, is as a result of our own joint efforts.

Actually, I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting some help when times are difficult but you are perhaps wrong to expect it. DH and I are very comfortable and would prefer our parents to leave money to the DC rather than to us, possibly in trust until they are 30 and mature enough to be sensible.

When your Mum was young, accomodation cost an awful lot less. Although you've discussed it with her, she may not fully believe that most professionals have to spend so much of their income on housing these days. In her day, there may also have been wage inflation so she might expect that things will get easier for you soon.

She may think that you being skint is due to you frittering your earnings away in ikea and on ipods and new clothes. And that if she helps you out, you will foolishly throw the inheritatance away.

I've had too many conversations with members of the boomer generation who are just not really in touch with the financial circumstances that most families find themselves in. They know there is high inflation, but fail to grasp that it is inflation in consumer prices, not incomes.

I would like to think that if I am in her position I would much prefer for the money to help my DD and her family. I understand your resentment.

So do I discobeaver

I too see where you're coming from. Unreasonable yes, but I understand to an extent your feelings on this.

My dad was the youngest of 5. There was 5 years between each one and the other 4 were girls. 3 aunts married. 1 had a son and a daughter. One had 2 daughters, 1 had one daughter. My dad had me, then 2 brothers

The eldest aunt has never married or had children and I found out by chance, a few months ago that she gave all my grannies jewellery and many of he rantique peices to the female children of her 3 sisters (my cousins). It cam eabout when I happened to mention, in her presence that I didn't have many reminders of my dad (her brother) who died when was 16, nor of my 2 grannies. She then said that she had given all her mother's jewellery to my female cousins and not to me "because you're the sons daughter!". I feel upset, not because I thinking I am grasping, but because I feel that she should have passed something of my granny's on to me too

She(single aunt) has left her entire estate to my brother's (my dad's 2 sons' I'm the eldest) and my only male cousin.

I do feel quite sad about it, but I know how that makes me look,a nd also i would never dream of saying anything to her, although my mum knows how I feel. So I do, sort of get where you're coming from.

themouseranuptheclock it would be lovely if mum had treated us all to a holiday. However, I would prefer that she helped me say pay for the roof to be fixed or something more practical that we need.

I feel much clearer in my own mind now that the my resentment is towards mum not grandma. Grandma just did what is normal. Rightly or wrongly I feel sad and even a bit angry that mum isn't sharing her good fortune with me.

During her lifetime grandma helped mum keep on our lovely big childhood home after mum's relationship with my stepdad broke down, she helped mum with things like installing a damp course etc. She also gave mum a sum of money to buy her holiday home. I guess rightly or wrongly I would do love to have less money worries and in my dreams have a bigger home to give DD more space and freedom.

You are probably being unreasonable. However, if i was in your mother shoes, seeing thatbyou are struggling financially, I' d give you an advance on your future inheritance.

I think YABU, yes.

My parents have done the same in their wills - just a small bequest to all of their grandchildren, with their estate split equally between their daughters. It's their prerogative (although I wish they would spend their money and not leave any!)

If / when we inherit my FIL's house , (realistically in the next 10-15 years ) we would give DD half the proceeds immediately so she could benefit when she really needed it, i.e. when she had a young family / high mortgage.

The expensive part of your life is generally in your 30's when you are bringing up a family and usually surviving on one income.
I can't understand parents who see their child struggling and have the financial means to help.

OP - I think the thing with your grandma is a red herring as her will sounds pretty standard.

Your issue is with your mother and going against the majority I don't think Yabu. It sounds like she now has substantial amounts of money - more than just enough to be 'comfortable' - and I just don't understand why she wouldn't want to help you out. If I had that amount one of my first thoughts would be if I could give some to make my DCs life a bit easier. We are brassing, but we are currently giving financial help to a relative who is in a worse situation, and my goodness it is a struggle for us - but this is what you do for family. Find it unfathomable that you wouldn't!