AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

[Skintandselfish]

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

Even if my children were not hard working and a bit shit with money, if I was in a good financial position, mortgage paid off in a big house and I inherited a lot of money, I'd really want to help my children out. I might be reluctant to hand over the money if I really think it is going to be squandered, but I'd happily buy a house for them to live in rent-free as a minimum. Why would you want to spend loads of money on yourself - or think that loads of money is going to save you from a hard old-age - when you can share it out and benefit everyone?

to disagree with JennyH you don't need to martyr yourself and make yourself miserable either, like your mother, you can allocate your time and money in any way you wish

in your shoes, I'd have less time in my life for a miser who was happy to watch me struggle while in a position to help

We had this but kind of the other way round when my dear much loved grandad died. He left his home to my mother, and just over £1000 to each of his grandchildren. His belongings were to be split between us all(ha ha). My mother kept everything and begrudged us the money we were left and tried to make us feel bad enough to give it to her. Think I should be off to the Stately Homes thread...:(

i wouldnt' and didn't expect anything from my grandparents, and i would FAR rather that my parents looked after themselves in their old age with nursing home fees etc than left me any money.
not that i wouldnt' want to look after them but i know that in reality nursing an old and dying parent is often a bridge too far for somebody with their own young family...

Thank you for all your posts. There are done very interesting and thought provoking points of view here.

I don't think mum disapproves if anything particular in my life, or DP. Having said that she is the type of person who has a critical eye so who knows!

Some posters have queried my comment that we are close. I think we are close but our relationship is not very straightforward. I guess I find her rather confusing. Sometimes she is lovely but can be quite unpleasant at times. She would probably say something similar about me! But she is my mum and I love her.

I do feel certain though that I would gladly give DD financial help if I was in a position to do so.

YABU I'm afraid, though I am sure it does weigh on your mind.

Try to stop thinking about it as money you don't have, don't even think about it as money you might have had. Do something with the 1k you have that will honour her memory. I think my grandparents are worth so much more than their money, I will lose a part of me when they die, no inheritance could ever mean as much as they do in my life. I could live in luxury with no cares for the rest of my days - I'd still rather have them. Meanwhile,, try to help your mother with her fear of death/illness. Maybe explain how you and your partner will help when and if she gets to a point of needing it.

Actually, you just reminded me - my father's parents died this past few years (wasn't so close) and I didn't even hear about a will, so it really isn't customary for grandkids to inherit or for parents to offer to share. I wondered how my Dad afforded that trip to Egypt :-p

Hi, what your Grandma did is not uncommon - but I'm not surprised you feel a bit let down by your mother's unwillingness to help you out.

As others have pointed out, it would make sense for inheritance tax purposes too. Does your mum have a financial advisor? If so, they should have pointed this out. If not, maybe she could do with a bit of independent advice.

Maybe you should read up on it - it does make a huge difference to IHT liability if you start gifting more than seven years before your death. It's how seriously rich people - who can afford to do this - manage to avoid the tax bills most people end up having to pay. See

www.which.co.uk/money/tax/guides/inheritance-tax-explained/

When the time is right, perhaps you should apologise for upsetting her when you raised it rather clumsily in the past, and go on to explain that you are concerned about whether she has thought about inheritance tax given the likely size of her estate. She could avoid giving the government a huge chunk of tax if she helped you out now, when you most need it.

It also sounds like she is very worried about the future - discussing her plans, and reassuring her that you expect to be there for her always might help you all to get through this.

YANBU in the respect that your DM is being very selfish. Afraid it seems to be common now (if MN anything to go by). Parents won't help with childcare, money etc - obviously they shouldn't be expected to yawn, but it would be nice if families actually wanted to help each other out

maybenow mum and I nursed Grandma at home with help from a private carer. She spent a short spell in hospital then a nursing home but was terribly unsettled so we bought her home. We couldn't cope alone turning her, toileting, intimate care etc as she was so frail and crying out in pain so we were afraid of hurting her- luckily she had enough money for us to afford a private carer with nursing experience. But between mum and I we were always there. Sadly I went home for just a short while and was not with her when she died which I am very sad about.

I am just pointing this out as your comment about the strain of nursing a relative struck a chord with me. It was a very difficult time and I think mum will expect me to do the same for her. She has an understandable horror of nursing homes (although I have had some positive experiences of them also). Conversely I will make it quite clear to DD that as long as I get a regular visit I will be fine to spend the end of my life in a nursing home and I do not want her going through the emotional turmoil of nursing me herself.

Olgaga thank you for your financial advice. If the time becomes right I will mention it (not for a very long time though).

My inlaws piss me off when they talk about their wills. They have been saying for the last 5 years that they are going to change it to include gcs.

At the moment they go on and on about what dh and bil will get- 50/50 split of 2 houses and I know they have savings,pensions,isa's etc.

We are really struggling at the moment and tbh would be a lot better if they helped us out a bit financially now.

I know mil itends to leave me nowt but seems unable to grasp that I am married to her son and whats his is mine

wannaBe

"I'm a firm believer that people should spend what they have while they still can, rather than scrimping because of their childrens' sense of an entitlement to their money."

I agree with you if the money has been earned by your own hard work. But don't you think it is slightly different if you came by the money through inheritance? I believe that if you are lucky enough to benefit from family money, you have a responsibility to pass most of it on down the family (either on your death or sooner) and not spend it all on yourself.

OP, I agree that your grandma's will is fairly standard, but I think it is a pity your mum is not being more generous with the money. When my Grandma and my childless great-aunt died, my parents arranged for some of the money to come straight to me and my brother (to avoid paying two lots of inheritance tax) and we were both able to put it towards a deposit on a house, which was so helpful.

I would also feel hurt by your mum's reasoning, ie that she is saving for her old age. To me, that implies that she doesn't trust you to do right by her in future if she helped you out now.

I feel for you OP, I don't think your feelings are really about money more the reluctance of your mother to help you.

I have a similar issue with my DM, not over money but general help and support. One of the reasons my parents are so wealthy and comfortable is because me and my sister were cared for holidays and evenings so my parents could both work, socialise and have weekends away.

They have never done this for dsis or me. Talk about pulling up the ladder behind you.

When we inherit their pile I will make sure my DC benefit too.

Our parents are the last generation that will have any money IMO.

They inherited it, but see it as theirs, rather than being custodians of the money for future generations. So they sell companies, cash in shares etc and go on holiday.

I'm not bitter

Ooh that's hard when you cared for your gran so much - I didn't realise you were so involved. :(

Do you think your mother realises how much you're struggling? Maybe she doesn't really see it?
I think it's a really fine line with children when parents have money - I know people who have made some terrible financial decisions, secure in the knowledge that their family would always bail them out. Do you think your mother feels like that (I'm not for a moment suggesting that you have been imprudent, just wondering if she might suspect you're waiting on a handout)?

I also think HollyGhost's post of 19:56 probably is very pertinent.

Themighty, mumofthree and others thank you for your understanding, it means a great deal.

I also want to say I am sorry to hear that others on this thread have had similar experiences that they have struggled with.

Just to add I wouldn't want or expect babysitting at the level my parents got it but once a year or so might be nice

I know the mumsnet thing is to dismiss a desire for family help as 'entitlement'. I don't really get this as imo this is the whole point of family. Why bother otherwise.

My DM has watched from afar for years whilst I have struggled with a SN child. Why would you do that?

I wish good luck for you OP for the coming year. Sounds like this last one has been difficult.

christine thank you. It was a sad and intense time but it is nice feel we helped her to die at home which she wanted.

I don't think mum would see me as expecting a bail out. Until she tied I had no idea that grandma had saved quite so much money- so it is all a surprise to me. She was amazing.

I also think she knows we are not in a great financial position. She comments sometimes about us needing to buy new curtains, redo bathroom etc this stuff annoys me as we are sticking to essentials at the moment. I don't hunk she fully understands how a mortgage works though! I am thankfully able to say that we have no loans, credit cards or overdraft though- do things could be worse as well as better......

Sorry, have just started reading the front page, so hopefully someone says this before me and/or the thread calms down...I fear it will become 'eff off, when your Mum dies in 200m years you're going to get 3 houses and don't you know my kids have to survive by licking the floor for scraps...'

I think your DM is to blame here, not your GM. I was in a similar situation - GPs had 5 children, gave x to each with instructions to share as they saw fit. My 11 cousins each got enough for a house deposit (!) My DB and I got nothing. And it's 'fine'. But like you, DM has never worked a day in her life and the bitterness has lingered, and infects everything eg today I got an email first thing listing everything she wanted for Xmas (! no questions about me/her GCs existing and to be shortly, DP etc)...I hadn't replied by 5pm so got a text...Mum, I am working! Concept? Far beyond when I should have gone on maternity leave because I NEED TO EARN MONEY, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. And, yes, I'll get you an effin' yoghurt maker and some charms for your bracelet to show off to your friends that I'm having twins...I'd kinda like not to spend all my non-working time poised on eBay trying to amass the world's cheapest second hand double layette. But no. I will instead visit the Lakeland website.

Argh! And it's all in the mind, because I imagine my cousins quaffing champers in Harvey Nicks and obviously that's not the case. But. At least they got a hand up.

Anyhow, you see...these things can fester. Rightly or wrongly. Not your Granny's fault, think you need to nip it in the bid with Mum. Money buys bitterness, not love, if you don't open your mouth.

Good luck.

OP - I appreciate your honesty.

I remember being poor with young children and working all the hours I could. Rightly or wrongly I envied others without the same worries. I can see where you are coming from.

I'm now 'in the middle'. My parents have a comfortable financial health and offer me money in small ways to ease life. I rarely accept tbh because my life is different now and I'm conscious that they are of an age where they may wish they had enough money to pay for long term care. My adult DC are struggling as students. I ease their way (again in very small ways). I hate to see them struggle but also know that if I eased their way totally they'd never learn to budget or be restrained with money.

Perhaps your mum does not realise quite how much you struggle (mine never used to).

In my parents day, one parent worked and money was tight. From their POV I was working and so was my exDH so they thought we were ok. Plus a modern lifestyle looks (is)more affluent. They saved for carpets and sofas. We have PC/laptop etc.

Maybe your mum does feel vulnerable financially. Lots of reasons for her stance but as somone else said.... don't confuse money with love

themighty sorry to hear your mum hasn't supported you in caring for your DC. I can't understand it when parents behave like that. As you say surely the whole point of family is to help each other out. I am absolutely not a martyr but would do anything for DD and those I love.

OP - I bet your mother's behaviour hurts a bit. Hope things get better. And well done for venting on here, rather than in RL.

for what it's worth - I think it's odd that someone who is not receiving the actual, material help that money gives, from a parent, and who expresses a sense of disappointment and bewilderment at that fact, is told they are expressing a "sense of entitlement".

Isn't there some sense of "entitlement" that hovers around parental care of a child? and, let's be utterly blunt here, money is part and parcel of material care.

Isn't a "sense of entitlement" rather the silent, barely even recognised, sense that arises when, actually, parents do go out of their way to care, to continue care into adulthood - with love, money, time, interest, and all the rest?

Mn does a lot of "Oh, you shouldn't expect anything from your parents" - as though the norm is for all of us to get treated like Cinderella. I know from looking around my family and those of my friends, that is not the case. A lot of parents do help - with love and interest (and that's all, if they have no cash - but that is [more than] fine), practical help (if possible), money (if possible).

and we, as parents, I'll bet we're not going to be doing the whole "clock-watching parent" routine, ie: "OK, you're 16 now, fuck off."

so, OP, I cut you some slack. How you're feeling isn;t pretty and sentimental. But a. money and care are easy to interchange, and I can imagine you fell a bit under-acknowledged/understood/cared for right now and b. it is definitely a very tax-inefficient way of dealing with an inheritance. Which is a pain. The money is there, it might as well be dealt with efficiently!!!

... and I think I really feel for you, by the way, because my poor parents struggled so much themselves, and have gone out of their way to help me and my little family. to the extent that I really wish they wouldn't and would spend their twilight years utterly indulging themselves.