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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel resentment that late Grandma left mum huge amounts of money but very little for me

225 replies

Skintandselfish · 05/12/2011 18:50

I have name changed as I am very ashamed about feeling this way and would hate anyone IRL to know.

I think I am going to get flamed but this thing is like an elephant in the room that I can't talk about IRL. Hopefully by getting some opinions on here I might be able to let it go.

My grandma died 2 years ago. My mum is an only child, as am I. We were all very close.

Grandma was a grafter. She worked hard all her life, saved hard and spent little. She was a wonderful strong woman and I miss her very much.

I am cringing as I type that the issue I have is about her will. She left several hundred thousand pounds to mum. She left me £1,000.00. I should be grateful shouldnt I? But selfishly I don't.

Mum doesn't work. She has a very big house with no mortgage, a lovely holiday home in Norfolk and she also inherited my grandmas house which she rents out.DD, DP and I are very skint ATM. We both work full time, live in a very small house. We are happy but money is a constant worry in the back of our minds.

In short I am jealous of the amount of money that my mum inherited. She has said she will help us out "here and there" but so far this has not happened. We are close and she understands our financial situation. I have tried to discuss this once- she got very angry and upset. Mum is really struggling with grandmas death (we nursed her at home and sadly it was not a peaceful end for her)and my comments made her much more upset.

Mum feels it is important that she saves money so that when she becomes old she doesn't have to face an old people's home. I think that after seeing some of the things that happened as grandma became I'll she is petrified of becoming old. I do understand but if I am honest I feel she is being a bit selfish.

Am I being spoiled and unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheRealTillyMinto · 05/12/2011 19:11

i think your gran's arrangement is quite normal. i got about £200 from my gran & it was fine. i think you have got carried away with wishful thinking....

FabbyChic · 05/12/2011 19:11

As an aside if your house is too small why didnt you ask to live in your Grandmas house rent free surely that is an option you could follow?

londonone · 05/12/2011 19:13

How odd. As most people have said, that is how inheritance generally works. Would you expect your Mum to leave eveything to your childre?

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 19:14

You are being extremely unreasonable. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance, and it is the normal way for money to pass down to the child, and in turn to their child.

One day in the future, you will inherit from your mother. That is the way things work.

libelulle · 05/12/2011 19:14

YABU. I know some grandparents do make some provision for their grandchildren in their will, but the standard seems to be to leave things to children. Obviously I'd have liked it if my grandparents had left me lots of money Grin (I think I got something like 1000 pounds from each set, a v. small fraction of their estate in both cases), but to be resentful? I know you can't help how you feel, but sorry, I think you need to swallow your feelings. Care fees are horrifically expensive and you shouldn't be begrudging your own mother that security. If she doesn't need it, you'll hopefully get it eventually!

Original poster
Skintandselfish · 05/12/2011 19:14

Thank you for your replies. I think everyone has said IABU.

I am even more angry with myself for feeling hard done by now. I thought I was a pretty reasonable person but obviously need to stop thinking this way.

Having thought about this after reading the responses I think maybe I am more upset by mum not sharing some money with me than by grandma leaving her all of her estate. Also I do think that I might give a grandchild a larger share if they were working hard but struggling. But my thoughts on this are skewed by this situation so could be totally unreasonable.

Thanks again for the replies.

OP posts:
carabos · 05/12/2011 19:16

Believe this is standard practice. DH's gran made similar arrangements and I understand from my DM that my gran (93) has done the same. Perhaps some legal bod will come along and explain.
BTW I think YABU - it's yours gran's money and if she wanted to leave it all to the dog's home that's entirely a matter for her.

SoupDragon · 05/12/2011 19:16

Yes, you are being spilled and unreasonable. And you know it or else you wouldn't have name changed due to shame!

Original poster
Skintandselfish · 05/12/2011 19:20

In response to Fabby I did ask mum about living in grandmas house and paying her rent. Mum was not happy to do that.

I wish I could take back what I have said to mum about all this. I have already apologised but I know she is hurt and until I posted here I hadn't realised quite how terrible is was to bring it up.

OP posts:
TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 05/12/2011 19:22

I am sorry about the loss you have had.

I got £100 when I was younger off a Grandad, I was so pleased to have been mentioned by him in his will, I didn't expect it at all, nothing off the other three.

I have written my will, and left my money equally between my children.

I have been told by my Mother, that she has left the bulk between her dc, with a small legacy as you have had to her DGC.

I think it is all pretty standard practice to do that.

You and your dm are both only children, so the legacy will be large when it comes your way, unless you want just one house and the other two houses split between your dc, so you all get the same from your dm as you would have preferred things to be?

40notTrendy · 05/12/2011 19:23

I understand how you feel, and it's a good idea to vent on here not IRL. I inherited a little from my nana, my parents significantly more. I will inherit 25% of my grandad's estate, but I would rather have him around or him blow his savings on amazing things (sadly he won't and can't Sad). Yes, it must be hard but try and think of it as money you never had, rather than money you could have had.

voscar · 05/12/2011 19:23

I don't think you are upset about your grandmothers will at all.

I think you are upset at your mother realising that you could do with the additional help - whilst aware that she is now financially able to do so but is refraining.

Original poster
Skintandselfish · 05/12/2011 19:23

Me again!! I think maybe this is also coloured by the fact that I know I would do anything to help DD. I am not sure I would watch her struggle as mum watches me, without helping her out.

OP posts:
Dirtydishesmakemesad · 05/12/2011 19:24

I suppose your grandmother assumed that the money would pass to you in time which seems reasonable.
When my grandparents died they left 3/4 to my uncle and 1/4 split between my sister and I since my mother died before them. I was really grateful but i know that before my mum died it was half to my uncle half to her so it seemed a little odd. I didnt say anythign i would never say anything but it did cross my mind more than once.

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 05/12/2011 19:27

I also wanted to add, that a friend of mine told me his DGD died, and his DM inherited quite a bit, she took all her DC and DGC on an all expenses paid holiday, if your DM had done something like this do you think you would feel differently?

HereKittyKitty · 05/12/2011 19:27

Like some others (and you) have indicated, it doesn't seem to be so much about the inheritance, but about the lack of financial support you feel from your mum at a time when you feel you need it, and she is in a position to give it.

Forget about the inheritance - it is normal for money to pass down to the next in line. Think about how you can fix things with your mum, and whether there is any way she could assist you while you are in financial need in a way that suited both of you.

kerala · 05/12/2011 19:28

YANBU we have a branch of our family (my aunts husbands family) where the inherited wealth has passed to the 60 somethings who are basically sitting on thousands while their 30 something children with their own young families are struggling in rented property. I find it really odd. In other cultures the money flows to where it is needed most but not in ours it seems.

Shutupanddrive · 05/12/2011 19:29

Yabu

AKissIsNotAContract · 05/12/2011 19:31

I'm going to buck the trend. I think if your mum has been left several hundred thousand pounds then I don't see why she would watch you struggle rather than give you some. It makes sense from an inheritance tax POV as well. It seems your mother would rather the tax man got the money than you, which is odd.

echt · 05/12/2011 19:33

AKiss we don't know how old the OP's mum is. It might make sense to do this later in life, but not now.

Rhubarbgarden · 05/12/2011 19:33

Yabu. My grandfather left all his estate to 'his sons and their male issue'; thus cutting out his daughter and seven of his grandchildren. His money, his choice. Fair? No, but life isn't fair is it? No point being bitter and damaging relationships with the living over it.

Tortington · 05/12/2011 19:34

im an only child and my mother watched me and my children really really suffer financially

i always found that odd. really really odd - when she had money in thebank

so no - i dont think you're B~U i totally get where you are coming from.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 05/12/2011 19:42

We are adults. I think we are expected to manage financially ourselves, rather than rely on our parents. I agree it is hurtful.

My fathers pension is twice the annual salary of my husband and me together. (This does not count his savings and annual interest on savings, after tax....)We are a family of 4. My father is only him, in a big house, with no dependents.
Yet, he is refusing to spend more than £30 per child for their birthday or Christmas presents. Even if they tell him they want a new desk for their school work, when he asks what they want, he wont spend more. His opinion is that it is OUR responsibility as parents to buy the bigger items. He know it would help us, if he were to buy a desk for their birthday, but no.

I can not but shrug...

thebigkahuna · 05/12/2011 19:44

£30 per child for grandchildren is pretty generous IMO thought qs.

ChristinedePizanne · 05/12/2011 19:44

Both my parents have inherited money from theirs and none of the grandchildren have had anything. I struggle financially at times, and my parents go on holiday many times of year and have paid off their mortgage. It has never even occurred to me to resent them keeping the money they have been given. Confused

Sorry, this is a bit blunt, but if you and your DP both work full time, why are you so broke? Is there anything you can do to improve your financial situation?