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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

202 replies

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:47

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives Hmm yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 04/12/2011 21:53

Can you not drop him off and then pick up afterwards? If he has to start walking home and meet up with you on the way that would be ok - obviously 6 miles would be a bit far but he could easily walk a mile or two on the way couldn't he? I see your point but clearly its best for the family that he gets the best treatment and if he tries the other therapist and it goes wrong - well he will be able to blame you and that would be both unfair and unhelpful. I would be inclined to try and make this work. Very tough for you.

CailinDana · 04/12/2011 21:54

If he had cancer, and the situation was the same - best treatment 40 miles away, slightly less good treatment closer - what would your feeling be?

Avenged · 04/12/2011 21:55

Good to see you back Kitty. Have you sorted out the issues with your sister and her meddling?

ReindeerBollocks · 04/12/2011 21:57

Have you access to MIND or any other mental health organisation? You sound mightily stressed, which is completely understandable but you wouldn't need to forgo DH's therapist if you had more support. Support is what is lacking here. Do you have anyone to help with the DC's, can you fund someone to help with the business? Personally I would look at these options before opting for a different therapist. Your DH presumably needs a lot of support and it sounds like he really needs you now. Is there anyone else would could take him to the appointments instead.

I really feel for you, you need help, while you are very good at being superwoman, it can't be very good for your health or mental wellbeing. Please get some support as you so desperately need it, then you can work out what the best solution is for your DH.

alarkaspree · 04/12/2011 21:57

Could he cycle? Borrow a bike or buy a cheap one?

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:57

I could drop him off but a double journey would mean twice the petrol and its only a 50 minute appointment so I'd only be home and then have to turn around and get him.

I'd probably end up just sitting in the van and reading whilst he had his appointment.

He might be able to drive himself there but also he might not.

I do want him to get the best treatment possible but just how far does it affect my life and the children , he ist the only person in this family who has nees.

OP posts:
BlissfulMistletoe · 04/12/2011 21:58

it is only for 6 months, hopefully he will then have his MH under control and you will have the rest of your lives to live without the MH over shadowing everything.

bumpybecky · 04/12/2011 21:58

could he cycle to the therapist 6 miles away?

troisgarcons · 04/12/2011 21:58

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times

thats an hours walk..

QuietNinjaMincepie · 04/12/2011 21:59

I have read your previous threads too and was only just now wondering how you were doing kitty. What does your dh psychiatrist say about the therapist who is closer? Good things? Hope youve told your sis to butt out.

RandomMess · 04/12/2011 21:59

mini cab?

sayjay · 04/12/2011 21:59

YANBU
Sorry for your situation.
You need the van. He can choose the therapist and organise getting there himself.
If local one is no good you could reconsider later . . .

Northernlurker · 04/12/2011 22:00

No but he is the only one who has been prescribed this type of treatment for an illness. If things go well with this it will benefit you all. I think you need to grit your teeth but I also think it sounds like you need a lot more support than you're getting.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:00

If he had cancer, and the situation was the same - best treatment 40 miles away, slightly less good treatment closer - what would your feeling be?

But its not the same as MH health issues ,

It might be that he would do better with the one closer, might get on better with them, its all sooo unknown , and I just worry that my feelings about it will affect his treatment e.g. stressed wife = more stress at home.

OP posts:
BlissfulMistletoe · 04/12/2011 22:00

also kitty google coffee shops ect, because then you will also have 50 minutes to sit there and catch up on paperwork ( i would imagine having your own business means alot of paper work)

Pantofino · 04/12/2011 22:01

6 miles is NOT an hours walk!!!

TheSydenhamSet · 04/12/2011 22:02

Would your dh consider getting a bike to cycle there and back?

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2011 22:02

What would your sister want you to do?

ISayHolmes · 04/12/2011 22:02

Not sure what advice to give here, but you don't sound like a heartless bitch at all. You sound like someone who's had to give and give and is struggling to offer even more. That is not selfish. I agree with NorthernLurker- it's a damn shame you don't have more support because you sound like you're doing an incredible amount right now. You need to be practical and think of the pressure on you as well, as everyone seems to be relying on you to keep it all going.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:03

6 miles is not a hours walk , morelike 1.;5 hours unless you are on a march.
and its also along narrow country lanes, not ideal on his return journey as it woudlbe gettiong dark this time of year ( also excludes a bike for the same reasons)

Heh would be getting the SAME treatment with each theraspist , just one is the "best" and the other is a "safe pair of hands"

Mini cab would be £12 each way so £72 a week

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:06

-Floggingmolly
What would your sister want you to do?-

I dont give a flying F**k what my sister would ant me to do , OUR family OUR decision

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:07

also kitty google coffee shops ect, because then you will also have 50 minutes to sit there and catch up on paperwork ( i would imagine having your own business means alot of paper work)

Sadly right out in the middle of no where I woudl just have to sit in the van.

OP posts:
TheSydenhamSet · 04/12/2011 22:07

Would it be an option for him to cycle there and you collect?

I think the most straightforward option is really the best - the safe pair of hands therapist. How about sitting down with your dh and going through all the reasons why that option would be the best for you all as a family.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:08

also this is for 6 months MINIMUM , it might be years ( if I can still fund it )

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 22:09

Does he get DLA? Would think this is kind of thing it's meant for