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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

202 replies

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:47

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives Hmm yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/12/2011 22:09

Why is there a difference between him having cancer and him having mental illness?

amicissima · 04/12/2011 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:10

Average walking speed is around 3mph so 1.5 to 2 hours walk for someone going at an average pace.

I also think you sound stressed and like you have such a lot on and I don't think you sound heartless at all.

How about - can he have an initial meeting with each therapist and see how he gets on with them? He might click more with the local one or not mind either way.

I think that you have a lot on your plate and I feel for you. I also think that maybe you could take laptop to coffee shop and have 50 mins sorting stuff for the business + having a decent lunch + a bit of a rest? Would that work?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 04/12/2011 22:10

Go with the 'safe' therapist. There really is a limit to how much the rest of the family should have to sacrifice for one person. It's not like the choice is between him suffering and dying in agony and you getting to have a nice cup of tea in peace.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 04/12/2011 22:11

Personally, for MH issues, if the psychiatrist is 6 miles away - that is not far.

I sympathise you do EVERYTHING, but from your DH point of view, he has suggested trying to borrow a relatives car to get him there and back. I am sure your DH will be well aware of the pressure and strain you are under, and may feel guilt that he does so little?. He hasn't done it (imo) to make things difficult for you.

MH is very serious as I'm sure you are aware, and personally I think YABU. MH is very personal and if it is his preference to travel a little further to see someone he is more comfortable with, then so be it. If push came to shove, could he not arrive early and get a later bus home, even if it meant waiting around for a bit?

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:11

I also feel , righty ot wrongly , that he has been trundled round to this and that apopintment and maybe it tiem for him to take charge a bit. TO make it HIS treatment that HE wants, not being delivered there like a parcle.

He can get himself to his hairdresser in town so is capable (though i might have to come with him the first few weeks untill it get "set" in his mind)

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:11

Hold on so you are paying for the treatment?

In which case surely the practioner can be more flexible about times?

Or are they really booked up.

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2011 22:13

Sorry, must have misunderstood Kitty most of your previous threads suggest she controls every aspect of your lives?

Northernlurker · 04/12/2011 22:13

I agree that 6 miles is not an unreasonable distance and (as I'm sure the OP is aware) mental health issues can be as lethal as any physical illness. I would find a way to make this work but I do agree it's all very hard on the OP.

Concordia · 04/12/2011 22:14

my limited experience is that therapists are always changing waht times they have available, i guess as people move on etc. could you ask if by waiting a few weeks a slot might come up which fits in with the bus times. how likely is this?

ZillionChocolate · 04/12/2011 22:14

Safe pair of hands sounds fine to me. I'd give that one a go.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:14

Why is there a difference between him having cancer and him having mental illness?

Becasue cancer is a physical illness with a definate set of guidelines for treatment etc

MH is affected my a miriad of factors and no ONE answer surfices.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:16

Thing is with 4 children + DH with profound MH issues, running business and house and keeping the whole thing financially afloat, the OP might end up with MH issues.

I just read the OP again and it is a hell of a lot of work.

I think boys idea of him getting the bus at the times it does come is a good one? Obviously I don't know what his issues are but doing that might be OK?

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:17

MH is very serious as I'm sure you are aware, and personally I think YABU. MH is very personal and if it is his preference to travel a little further to see someone he is more comfortable with, then so be it.

But how far do we as a fmaily have to accomodate his illness in our family. what if the best therapist was 70 miles away ?

What if taking him there meant I had to stop the business ?

Do we as a family have to put HIS needs above everyone else.

Its not like Im saying no treatment, just the SAME treatment with some one with less experience ( how is anyone one as a professional meant to learn other wise)

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:18

What does your DH want to do? What has he said about this choice and how it will impact you and all the rest of it?

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:19

Sorry, must have misunderstood Kittymost of your previous threads suggest she controls every aspect of your lives?

She does not control our lives she just likes to think she does and does ememse harm in the process.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:20

What does your DH want to do? What has he said about this choice and how it will impact you and all the rest of it?

Deu to his MH issues he can't really make any decisions and certianly would noto voice an opinion.

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 04/12/2011 22:21

Floggingmolly bitchy question. Kitty has so much to deal with.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:21

Kitty - how about he walks there and gets a taxi home? Would that work?

However, there just has to be some support out there for you surely?? Can anyone (other than your bloody sister) spend some time looking for that for you??

Northernlurker · 04/12/2011 22:21

It's isn't 70 miles away though is it? It's 6 miles for a 50 minute appointment so although it will undoubtedly impact on your life - well what won't at this point? Bottom line is your husband is very ill. There are pretty much two options that I can see - the first is to continue with the marriage and everything that brings. The second is to end the marriage and remove yourself from this undoubted burden. Only you know what's right for you and no it isn't fair but nothing about serious illness in a family is fair.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:22

I think boys idea of him getting the bus at the times it does come is a good one? Obviously I don't know what his issues are but doing that might be OK?

but its out in the middle of now where he would just be stood at the side of the road waiting for the appointment.

It is VERY unlikley that the bus woudl fit in with the times I have been offered.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 04/12/2011 22:23

If he can't make decisions than I doubt he can safely get himself there anyway? Should he even be driving?

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:23

Well it sounds callous but in your situation I would go with safe pair of hands.

Although in your situation we would also have the luxury of family around who in practice would help out. Is there no-one who can help with the kids / take him to some of the appts?

But TBH safe pair of hands isn't exactly condemning him to something awful, this is a professional person with experience who knows what they are doing.

Maybe you could go and have a 30 min meeting with both of them to see what you think? If you are going private then they will do that I'm sure and you can decide what you think.

fivegomadindorset · 04/12/2011 22:24

May be worth getting in touch with your local Rotary group. I work with a lady whose husband does voluntary driving for patients who need to get to appointments but can't.

CailinDana · 04/12/2011 22:25

I agree with you kittypaws that with cancer there is a general protocol for treatment that can be followed by the most inexperienced doctor and it will usually be successful no matter who administers it. With therapy however, the doctor's experience usually has a very large bearing on how successful the treatment is as success depends on the patient and therapist building a rapport and the therapist understanding the very complicated needs of a mentally ill person. So I would think that with cancer it doesn't matter where you're treated but with MH issues it does matter quite a lot where you're treated. Having suffered quite badly at the hands of one horrendous therapist myself I can say that choosing the wrong therapist can do a lot more harm than you realise.

I get the impression from your posts that you don't really consider your partner's problems an illness as such and you're tired of supporting him, which is fair enough as long you're honest about it.

TBH I would expect a loving partner to go out of their way to help a really ill loved one. I could never say to my DH that I was standing in the way of him getting the best care possible because it was inconvenient for me. I wonder about your feelings towards your DP.