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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

202 replies

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:47

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives Hmm yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:25

No Northern, sorry, but on this occasion you aren't right. There are other options. He can walk to another therapist, someone else can take him, maybe they can afford a taxi one way... all kinds of things. It isn't take him to this therapist or separate.

marykat2004 · 04/12/2011 22:25

Volunteer drivers? I saw that in one post. I don't know where you live, but in more rural areas, there are these retired people who volunteer to drive people to medical appointments and things like that. I don't know how to find out, but do try, you might find some help there. The one I met was driving elderly people to hospital appointments, and families to funerals :(. But surely they can drive people of any age?

It might be important for him to see the better therapist if it's not insanely far (like 70 miles), so either try to get a different time or a driver..

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 04/12/2011 22:26

Imo, as the father of your children and as your partner you should accommodate whole heartedly, as when he is well he would be able to make up for lost time?

To see a psychiatrist isn't, as far as I'm aware, something you do willy nilly. He, I assume, NEEDS to see the psychiatrist.

It can be frustrating, stressful, tiring, and test your patience to have to look after another adult as though they are a child - I do have experience in that area - but surely, if there is light at the end of the tunnel, that is what you as a wife and mother should do?

I did suggest the bus thing, which within reason I'm sure he could manage.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:26

Bottom line is your husband is very ill

REALLY !!! No s**t sherlock

There are pretty much two options that I can see - the first is to continue with the marriage and everything that brings. The second is to end the marriage and remove yourself from this undoubted burden.

If only everything in life were that black and white Hmm
The usual MN response " kick him out "
We all have our limits so maybe I can see that this is mine and that I will be a BETTER wife if I keep what littlel sense of control I have.
I do not have to put up with "everythign that brings" in terms of my marriage, there are always compromises

OP posts:
OddBaubles · 04/12/2011 22:27

Could you give the nearby one a go for a month or two with an open mind about changing if that doesn't work.

On a practical level we are about to enter a winter that may well be a snowy one and it sounds like the local roads aren't the kind likely to be cleared. Keeping sessions regular by being able to walk balances out the 'best' and 'safe pair of hands' to me.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:28

?

One has been recommended and the other one is a safe pair of hands.

There is no telling which practitioner would actually have the most positive effect on OPs DH mental health.

I would say OP should meet with both of them, see what she thinks.

There is no "best" in anything to do with health IMO and IME.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:28

Sorry should revise that to say practitioners. No-one is infallible.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:28

_I get the impression from your posts that you don't really consider your partner's problems an illness as such and you're tired of supporting him, which is fair enough as long you're honest about it.

TBH I would expect a loving partner to go out of their way to help a really ill loved one_

I do know he has a illness, TBH if this wasnt an illnes Iwoudl have left him Months ago.

I HAVE g one out of my way to help him, EVERY SINGLE DAY I help him,

Walk a mile in my shoes.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:29

Is it really really vital that he see a therapist THREE times a week? that sounds a heck of a lot...

empirestateofmind · 04/12/2011 22:30

I would try the safe pair of hands for, say, three months then see how it is going.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 22:30

is this therapy going to miraculously 'cure' him though? I doubt it.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:30

Imo, as the father of your children and as your partner you should accommodate whole heartedly, as when he is well he would be able to make up for lost time?

So what ever is asked of me I have to do , my feelings, my health , my life , my chidlrens lives, they dont matter Hmm

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:31

I agree that you should meet with them both. I actually assumed you had done that already - if not, you should, it may help you make your mind up.

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 22:31

Why not a cab? Six miles is around a fiver, so its a tenner a visit, he must be seriously ill to warrant a therapist 3 times a week and surely in the long run the sooner he gets better the better your lives will be.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:31

Also this business about the OP should do whatever it takes. But if whatever it takes is a bridge too far, effects her mental health and her ability to care for their 4 children... There is a balance here and it's not as if OP is suggesting that her DH should go untreated. What if the extra time out affects their business - then they're all up the creek, frankly.

LovesBloominChristmas · 04/12/2011 22:31

Realistically can the business be without the van? Can you deal with the children/shopping etc for those times without it?

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:32

Depends where you live fabby. Six miles is not a fiver around here.

CailinDana · 04/12/2011 22:32

I've been where your husband is. Perhaps I wasn't quite a sick as he is, but at certain points I wasn't lucid, I was suicidal, didn't get out of bed for days. I was referred to psychiatrist but stopped seeing him as he used me as a verbal punching bag. I should have reported him but I didn't as I was too ill.

My husband did absolutely everything he could for me, and were the situation reversed I would do the same.

My parents however only did what was convenient and once they'd had enough they gave up.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 22:32

Oddbaubles.... I thought that. Endanger yourself on icy/snowy roads 3 times a week?

Alouisee · 04/12/2011 22:32

I'm voting for the safe pair of hands. Kitty has more than enough on her plate without this.

You can't compare it to Cancer, Cancer is usually terminal.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:32

Kitty

Alouisee · 04/12/2011 22:33

Posted too soon.

Cancer is usually terminal if untreated, MH isn't usually.

LovesBloominChristmas · 04/12/2011 22:33

Kitty I think it's hard for peopke to fully understand your situation without tge full backstory, especially on aibu

fivegomadindorset · 04/12/2011 22:33

VOLUNTARY DRIVERS

Sorry to shout but there are groups out there who do this, Rotary for example.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 22:33

Op.... Is he on medication? Does it mean he actually shouldn't even be driving himself anyway?