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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

202 replies

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:47

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives Hmm yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:33

If a therapist is getting a paying client, who is going to be seeing him three times a week, he should be able to shift his appointment around to accomodate that client a bit more conveniently I would have thought...

Like I say, three times to me sounds rather excessive... and I would wonder if it is justified.

Northernlurker · 04/12/2011 22:34

I'm struggling to see what you want from us OP? If you're looking for me to say 'yes fine, you do whatever makes you most comfortable first and put dh's medical needs second' then sorry not going to do that. It is that black and white actually. Nobody (except yourself) can make you stay in this marriage - but if you're staying then you need to do what is needful and I don't think the current commitment being talked about here is actually excessive.

Chipping - I know there are other options but the OP seems keen for dh to get himself there and mentions him having the car. I really doubt somebody who cannot make decisions should be driving anyway.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:34

Cailin - I'm sorry about your situation :( At the time did your DH also have 4 children to look after and the family business to run? There's a huge difference if he didn't.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:35

This therapy is private , generously paid for by a realative,

If it wasnt paid for should I remorgage the house, max out credit cards to get it .
My point : how far do I go, how much damage do I suffer to help him.

He is not a single man,

I woudl expext that if my question ree directed at a group of fulltime carers the responses would be VERY different.

I think there is mileage in meeting the other therapist and see what happens, though with DH memeory issues he wont be able to "compare" them.

And may be try one for a bit and see how it goes.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/12/2011 22:36

The thing that gets me is that if the OP was on here saying "My husband has lymphoma, but I need the van for work, AIBU not to take him for treatment?" the whole world and his wife would be saying she was totally BU. But because it's mental health, for some reason everyone thinks it's not that important, not that urgent, the OP needs the van etc etc. And then we have bullshit thread about "how do we prevent suicide" when someone like Gary Speed dies. This is how we bloody well prevent suicide - by not treating mental illness likes it's an inconvenience that gets in the way of work. Treat it like any other illness, take it seriously for god's sake.

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:36

Well if someone else is paying for the therapy, could you not afford a taxi for at least half the trips?

Llamedos · 04/12/2011 22:36

Kitty I was just thinking about you when I found this thread.

I know that the therapist 6 miles away is recommended but I think you should go for the one closer to home. Your dh will be in an area familiar to him so that when he leaves his appointment he could (possibly) make his own way home?

You have to think of you and the children too.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:37

I really doubt somebody who cannot make decisions should be driving anyway.

Oh please, he cant make decisions about long term issues , he knows when to turn right or left and was actually asssessd recently and was found to be better than most drivers.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 22:37

I would kitty, for the greater good. Stay local as bad weather is a worry and dc need to come first too. As well as your business snd ultimately, your living

And what about you in all this?

fit2drop · 04/12/2011 22:38

If he is on DLA this is to help cover mobility costs,
You are right in saying that your DH needs to own his illness and not let it own him.He has to take responsibility for his own well being too otherwise he is being enabled to continue being needy and part of taking responsibility is sorting out his own transport issues. Please understand I do not mean needy in any disrespectful way but unless he is encouraged to be independant he could wear his MH as a security blanket for a long long time.

Obviously with no idea of his particulat MH issues I am really over generalising here but I work with people with MH issues from anxiety and depression to Bi-polar and Schizophrenia all of whom are actively encouraged to be independant and control their illness rather than let it control them. Most are in recovery but overtime some do deteriorate, but we do not allow them to use their MH as an excuse to not take responsibility for themselves. The only exception to this would be if someone was suffering a psychotic episode (eg , drug induced psychosis) but then that person would be attended to by the crisis team and admitted to hospital.

You sound a lovely caring and kind person but you sound overwhelmed with all the responsibilities you have, You are certainly not being unreasonable in asking him to either go to the local therapist or organise other transport himself.
Also its fact that work focused activities have a massive positive impact on people with MH issues, you should actively encourage your DH to do a lot more about the house. (I know this is difficult but its so worth the end result)If there is no physical problems he should be doing all the housework and cooking if you are working , if not all at least a much larger part than he is at this time.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 22:39

Cailin.... That's nice! Plant that seed in kitty's mind! Hmm

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:39

Kitty, to be fair, if posters dont know the backstory, (I do remember it), they will not be aware of what illness your husband has, and it would be reasonable to assume if he needs treatment for his mental health three times a week, then driving may be something he isnt going to be up to.

Northernlurker · 04/12/2011 22:39

Kitty - I was only posting based on what you yourself said - that dh cannot make decisions. Do you mean to sound so aggressive btw?

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:40

cailin.. not every mental health illness is a suicide risk..

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 04/12/2011 22:40

I didn't say they don't matter. You asked an AIBU question on an AIBU thread. I said I thought YABU (imo).

I sympathise completely - I really do. My BF has bipolar and has had psychosis and all sorts. But what would you suggest he do? Lots of suggestions have been put up here and all that seems to be your response is Me, Me,Me in quite an angry manner tbh.

If he has to wait in the middle of nowhere to get a bus to the appointment he prefers - so it doesn't infringe more on yours and your DC's lives, then so be it. He will have to take that bit extra responsibility for himself.

I am not suggesting for a minute that I know everything, and that I am right. It is my opinion that if he wants to go to an appointment further away, then he should go to that one.

But it sounds like you want everyone to say, make him go to the closest appointment - well that's not what he wants.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:41

This is how we bloody well prevent suicide - by not treating mental illness likes it's an inconvenience that gets in the way of work. Treat it like any other illness, take it seriously for god's sake. Oh FFS I DO take it seriously, enough to have turned my life on its head to support him, to still BE here supporting him. It is not that it is an inconvenience becasue it gets in the way of work , which BTW is our LIVING, and as it is also HIS business it is something for him to come back to when he IS well.

I am considering the fact that ME getting stressed out affects HIM and that HOW he has this treatment is also PART of the treatment.

"Not taking it seriously" Pleease !!

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:41

Northern - you can be perfectly fine driving and making those kind of decisions without being able to make 'life changing' decisions, it's not the same thing. I don't know whether he's OK to be driving or not, but not being able to make a decision between therapists doesn't automatically mean he's not fit to drive. It's not that black & white though, the therapist that is within walking distance could be just as good for Kitty's DH as the one 6 miles away. Who knows - I think they should meet with them both and see how they feel - then if the one 6 miles away does seem better, try to figure out how to fit this into their lives if they can - if not, then maybe they should at least give the nearest one a go and see how it works out. Therapy isn't an exact science so in the end the nearest one may in fact be better for Kitty's DH?!

CailinDana · 04/12/2011 22:41

Chipping - no we didn't have any kids and no business to run. But he did turn down a job that would have started his dream career and took a lesser paid one to be at home with me. He gave up his hobby and sold his musical instrument so we would have enough money as I wasn't working. He wanted me to be well and was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen.

Alouisee - I take your point the cancer is often terminal, but mental illness is also often life destroying and possibly terminal. So perhaps compare it to MS or lupus - if the OP was reluctant to help her DH if he had those conditions what would the verdict be?

JinglePosyPerkin · 04/12/2011 22:43

Alouisee - and people with untreated serious mental health issues don't commit suicide? Not always I grant you but it's not uncommon. I do agree MH problems shouldn't be compared to cancer though, although I'm not sure why I feel that way exactly Confused.

Anyway, would it possible for your DH to have an introductory appointment with each of the two psychiatrists in question? It may be that he doesn't get on with "the best" and would get much more out of seeing "safe pair of hands". Or vice versa. As others have said, the way you relate to your psychiatrist (and them to you) can be the key to successful treatment.

timidviper · 04/12/2011 22:45

Kitty There is an analogy about being on a plane when the oxygen masks come down, that you put your own mask on before helping anyone as, otherwise, you risk passing out and you both suffer. It sounds like you are at that point where you have to help yourself in order to be able to help him.

Don't let people being judgmental get to you. DH, DCs and your business are all relying on you so you need to give yourself a chance. I would meet with the safe pair of hands and see if you think they could help. If not, ring the other therapist and explain your situation, see what they can do to help you.

You crashing and burning would not help anyone.
Good luck

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:45

It is my opinion that if he wants to go to an appointment further away, then he should go to that one.

But he can only go to that one if I take hime there and sit for 50 minutes in the van , so three afternoons a weeks written off and I dont have enough hours int he day as it is.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:46

fit2drop's post

kitty you go and meet with both of them and assure yourself that the safe pair of hand is fine, and then your DH can go there.

The way people are talking about this is as if you are saying you don't want to drive so he won't get any treatment! Not so - local choice and safe pair of hands - someone he can make additional appointments with more easily as needs be and feels "safe" and local - sounds like a pretty good option to me.

Is there any reason that the treatment is private? What do NHS say?

Inertia · 04/12/2011 22:46

I agree with those who've said that you both need to meet with both therapists. All other things being equal, go for the one that DH can walk to. If there is a clear clinical advantage to using the out-of-town therapist, then you could try getting them to reschedule if at all possible to fit in with the bus times.

Something to consider, though, is how likely it is that your husband's condition might deteriorate to the point where he isn't able to safely walk /drive/get the bus on his own (sorry I don't know the details), and in that case which would be the manageable option?

RealityIsADistantMemory · 04/12/2011 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 22:46

If its paid for I would go to one nearer as you do have a choice.