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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

202 replies

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:47

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 23:00

Fabby..... Where does it say it's depression..... I remember it to be something v different!

ToothbrushThief · 04/12/2011 23:00

When I read the title I thought YABU..

Having read the whole story you are not.

Everyone has their tipping point. Being a fulltime mum, running a business and coping with DH with mental health issues is not like being a single mum. It's worse.

You obviously love him but need respite. As you are recognising you need to be well to be able to support him. The preferred therapist is going to tip you over the edge yourself. Go with the other one.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 23:01

And iirc it's not a curable illness...

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 23:01

Cailin if the OP came on and said her DH had MS or Lupus and should she get him treated at the local clinic or drive him miles into the larger teaching hospital in town the response would be the same.

I think that maybe you are feeling sensitive to this one and it happens to us all on MN but really she's not suggesting no care or even substandard care - who can say for sure which practitioner will work best with OPs DH.

JinglePosyPerkin · 04/12/2011 23:01

Darn it, another x-post.

ToothbrushThief · 04/12/2011 23:02

Cailin - any chance your own issues are driving your posts?

Triggles · 04/12/2011 23:02

kitty I am posting on here because my DH & I are in a fairly similar situation. He has been having MH problems for the last 2 years, which have been much worse in the last 8 months. He is starting counselling (therapy, whatever you want to call it) next week. It has taken us ages to get it sorted!! His GP told him that he needs CBT and therapy but that it wasn't available on the NHS, and basically just ended his last appointment with that bit of information. Not the most helpful.

Anyway, I am SAHM, keeping track of basically everything - kids, house, finances, all of it. DH cannot be relied upon to do much as it's all he can do to cope with basic stuff, really. We did look at a number of therapists, some closer, some further away. Thankfully, on a recent paed appointment for our DS2, the paed recommended someone nearby, within walking distance. I can't tell you what a relief it was. We have one vehicle, and I'm the driver in the family. DH does not drive, so it would otherwise have been up to me to drive him to regular appointments (in and around DS2's various appointments, school runs, etc) and then wait for his appointment to finish and drive him home. The thought of one more regular commitment for my already insane schedule made me feel ill.

I simply am at a point where I could not cope with much more responsibility and commitments dumped on me, which I suspect is the point that you are at as well. DS2's OT was very clear with me last week when I spoke to her - she said "you are not going to be able to function if you don't make looking after yourself a higher priority." She reminded me numerous times that I needed to remember that as I was the one holding everything together, it was very important that I make sure I take care of myself as well. It's hard to do. I feel selfish thinking of myself first occasionally, but I am trying to keep in mind also that it's important that I'm mentally stable and well also.

If the local therapist is a suitable alternative, I say give it a chance and see how it goes. The local person wouldn't have been recommended if they weren't qualified. You can always switch to the other one after a few months, if need be.

Bogeyface · 04/12/2011 23:02

YANBU at all, unless you plan is to end up with serious MH issues yourself.

Something has to give and if the only issue is therapist A over therapist B, but it would make a huge difference to you then I would go with the one nearest to home.

catsareevil · 04/12/2011 23:03

What is likely to happen in 6 months time? Is this a type of therapy that offers a realistic propect of improvement?

Would your DH agree to meet the nearer therapist? if the psychiatrist feels that both are OK then the way that your DH feels about the therapist and their style will also be important, and might make the 'safe pair of hnds' better for your DH than the one 6 miles away.

The idea of encouraging your DH to take resonsibility for his own treatment is good. I think that cycling 12 miles 3 times a week would have benefits not just for physical health, but for mental health too.

festi · 04/12/2011 23:07

have read the thread im sure op will come to the right arrangement but seriously some skewed opinions on here.

a 6 mile round trip in a cab will cost far more than a tenner and fabby im from the same part of the world as you, so I would double that, and also he has quite profound mh issues not depression.

neither does he have cancer and mh treatment/therapy can not be comparable to that of cancer, it is callouse to do so.

A safe pair of hands may just turn out to be the therapy, relationship and support ops dh needs, it may not be but neither may the similarly rated therapy 6 miles away.

I think op you are not BU and i would suggest you try out what is closer to home.

Original poster

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:07

Your husbands depression can be controlled with the use of medication

I didn't say he was depressed, he has functional amnesia , basically he has no short term memeory plus behavioural issues, it is hoped that therapy ill "unlock" why he has chosen to retreat in this way from the world. AD have calmed his moods but done nothing for his memeory.

And BTW not all depressions can be controlled with medication.

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 04/12/2011 23:07

Kitty you sound like you are on your knees here and tbh not far off breaking point yourself.

Cailin I think you are being a bit simplistic about this and don't seem to appreciate how much "extra effort" the op puts in for her husband.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 23:10

Cailin - you can say 'if she's unwilling to help him' as many times as you like, it doesn't make it accurate. She is helping him, she has been helping him - she's been doing a feck of a lot more than merely 'helping' him... you seem unable to see that there are only so many hours in a day, 4 kids, a house, a business and a mentally ill husband are more than a 24 hour a day job as it is - another 3 appointments, 6 miles away, taking about 6 hours a week out of her already jam packed scheduled may just not be possible without sending her over the edge as well and then who would that benefit? And who is to say that the therapist nearby isn't perfectly fine ?

Kitty meet with them both then think about what's best for you all x

Original poster

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:10

Triggles
The thought of one more regular commitment for my already insane schedule made me feel ill.

That is EXACTLY how I feel, a sort of straw that breaks the camels back.

now that I think of it there was an article about how women who put up with numberous affairs etc from their DH and then divorce them when they, "just", max out the credit card. Its just the LAST straw

OP posts:

festi · 04/12/2011 23:11

just to add alos kitty you face the problem of attempting the unrealistic travel arrangements and they fail for the similarly rated safe pair of hands to not be availible a few months down the line. I think you need to consider all realistic factors not just the effectiveness of the therapy alone. the therapy may also be hindered by the added stress of the arrangemntes etc.

I think your handling and consideration of this is very sensible.

Bogeyface · 04/12/2011 23:12

Lets be blunt.

she could have left him. She could have said "Sod this, it can be someone elses problem" and left him in the hands of....who? A hospital? A care home? another family member who may not cope?

But she didnt. She has stayed and helped, loved and supported him. So roasting her for wanting her life to not get any harder is not only unfair, it is cruel and nasty.

Original poster

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:13

thanks for the thoughts on the volunteer transport,

bike / walk etc not really an option due to dark nights / narrow country lanes.

Its not that I do not want to "give up" three afternoons a week its 3 after nons on top of all the other stuff I have had to give up on ,

and he might even prefer the "safe pair of hands" we will go to see both a go form there.

I have come to realise that I am NOT selfish for considering my own needs, in fact the exact opposite, if I fail then it ALL goes T**s up, I HAVE to be ok.

OP posts:

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 04/12/2011 23:14

Kitty, I think you are absolutely right that your needs and those of your DCs also deserve to be taken into account.
A safe pair of hands will be fine.
You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your DH and your DCs, who need you to be strong.
YANBU.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 23:17

One last YANBU from me before I hit the hay.

Good luck Kitty, I feel for you, you have such a lot on your plate.

Original poster

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:18

Cailin :

If it were just me and DH and I had a job ( lower paid or not) that could support us AND leave me time to look after my DH it would be ( compared to my life ATM ) A piece of cake.

running your own busness is not the same as having a job, it just isnt.

and having 4 Dcs as compared to none, well , I don't think that even deserves any thought.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 23:18

Yes go and see both. For sure. Safe pair of hands might be the one your DH clicks with, or no preference.

Catsdontcare · 04/12/2011 23:19

You have as much if not more of a responsibilty to your dc as you do your husband. They need the stability of atleast one parent who is able to make life as normal and happy as possible for them.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 23:21

Kitty - you do need to look after yourself or the whole family will suffer. You are keeping it all together and you have to do what you have to do to maintain that. You are not selfish my love - many others would have thrown the towel in long before now x

(AIBU probably isn't the best place for a thread - try chat next time if you don't want to post in the MH section x)

festi · 04/12/2011 23:22

kitty you are doing great, I remember other posts from you and you have felt powerless, it is good to see that have taken some of that power to see your own needs are important aswell as your involvent in what is the best course of action for you, dh and your family, and please do not be afraid to use this empowerment based on some ill educated opinions on the internet.

Triggles · 04/12/2011 23:23

Kitty "if I fail then it ALL goes T**s up, I HAVE to be ok."

This is exactly why you need to keep in mind that your MH is important too. I have functioned so long running on empty that I've forgotten what it's like to have a supportive partner that shoulders some of the burden. Hopefully, eventually, my DH will gradually return to being that person again (with therapy and support). But for now, you need to take into consideration what is best for BOTH of you, not just him. Because you can't help and support him if you're falling apart.

It's absolutely NOT a matter of getting him substandard medical care - it's simply choosing a perfectly acceptable alternative closer to home to enable you to continue coping with adding to your already overloaded stress level.

Best of luck to you and your family. Hopefully we will both come out of it stronger (and sane ).

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