AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

[kitty4paws]

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

kitty, can i suggest another compromise? How about if your DH catches the bus into town x to see the psyche....sits and has a coffee in a caf, mooches around town for a bit, and then you collect him on the way home? Or other way round....whichever works for you on a particular day.

At least then your DH is getting out and about, which for a mental illness is quite difficult anyway. It may work best if you drop him after breakfast/lunch and he makes his own way back on bus later, as this way he cant duck out of the appointment. But drop him at a time that suits you and the business. He can sit and read the paper over a coffee and it wont kill him.

Rememeber that he has a mental illness, but he is not a baby or child, and can still entertain himself for short periods. I would recommend looking up the details of the local library in town X and send him off there to read in the warm before appointments.

He wont like it, but this is all about him getting well and taking positive steps. If the business folds because you cannot keep working, then that is even more stress. YOu must do what is right for the family, not just what is right for him.

I notice a few people have quoted me saying "if you are unwilling to help him" out of context so I just want to clarify. I said the OP should be willing to help him get the best care It is clear from her posts that she IS unwilling to help him to do that. That is what I was referring to. I am aware that she has helped him in other ways.

I don't see why comparing mental illness and cancer is "callouse" [sic] - is it because cancer is a real illness and mental illness isn't?

I really can't believe that people can be so blind to their own prejudices. I can absolutely guarantee if a woman came on here and said "I have MS but my DH won't drive me to the therapist I need" most people would say "Yes, he's busy but you're very ill and you need help. If a partner won't put themselves out for you when you're ill then when will the put themselves out for you?"

I notice many people point out the effect the DH's illness is having on everyone else. Surely that's true of any serious illness? If the DH had MS everyone would be very stressed and sad too - I still don't think anyone would suggest the OP could opt out of doing her best for his care though.

Also kitty I find it strange that you're comparing your situation to a man who's had affairs and then maxes out the credit card. Obviously a man who has affair and wastes money does that voluntarily and with no consideration for his family. Your DH is ill. He hasn't become ill to spite you or to make your life harder.

Kitty - I'm a ling term carer (of a child not a husband - and I think being the carer of a child is far easier mentally than being the carer of a spouse).

You have to put your needs to the front at some stage. If you don't you will collapse. I never feel guilty for the time I take to spend maintaining my mental health/wellbeing. I also run two businesses (we need the cash) and do almost everything in the house as DH works long hours. I'm aware that if I go down everything else crumbles so I find the time to horse ride (every other week) and surf (as much as possible). I also say no to things that are too much. I understand totally what you mean about reaching your limits.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the experience of the different therapists the one closer might actually be better for your husband. Functional disorders are very difficult and I'm not sure that experience as such will make a different - rapport is probably more important. I woukd talk to both and if both seem the same then go with the more convenient one. If you feel after talking to both that the one furthest away is better then perhaps look for volunteer drivers or call on friends etc to help (often hard to do). I on't think you should tie yourself down to giving up another three days weekly for months and months just on experience though.

From a practical pov - are you getting DLA? Also you can ask social services for a carers assessment for you - it's not easy in the current climate but could lead to some support.

Could he aleast trial the local therapist? Ofcourse your DH's health is important but so is your's OP and your livelyhood and your kids' lives. Your DH should get all the help he can, but surely not at the expense of the rest of his family.

I've read a few of your threads and you do seem to cope with ALOT, and you do seem to have gotten a bit of a hard time on this thread, which I don't understand. Nowhere did you say you didn't want your DH to see any therapist, just a more local one who isn't personally recommended by someone else. Doesn't mean the local therapist is crap does it?

Wwyd?

I would discuss if possible with dh, iirc you could have this conversation although he will not remember it later? It may make you feel better to have this discussion, to gain his agreement to the more local one.

If that were not possible, then I would make a decision based on the whole picture, yes you want tge best for him but it has to be workable for the whole family. You do not need to feel guilty. He will still be getting treatment.

Perhaps start taking him while looking into other solutions, maybe once he starts he will start improving in confidence etc and be able to find his own way, lifts from others etc?

yanbu
lots and lots of sympathy, and also whatever people say MH is really really tough to deal with. its stignatised, and trust me if he had cancer I suspect help and support would be higher

you do what you have to do, and hope whatever theprist you get they help him

Kitty you're a saint. Anyone who has been unsympathetic on this thread really doesn't have a clue and in your shoes may well have bailed out years ago. Different situation but I did (bailed I mean) - does that make me a bad person? Or someone who had to put dm and dc first?

Go with the local therapist. One thing I wondered...if he can hoover and empty the dishwasher, might he not be capable of a few other tasks - dusting, sweeping, unloading the washing machine for example? Sorry if that's an ignorant suggestion, I just know that tasks like that helped exP to feel grounded and useful.

kitty you know I've followed your threads from the beginning.

This is a rock and hard place for you. Knowing the back story to this, and how much of an impact it jas had and is continuing to have on you as the person who is holding it all together for all of your family, I'd suggest you go with the local therapist.

I'd also suggest you stop posting your threads in AIBU. It gets a lot of traffic, and often people who aren't aware of the back story. As someone else suggested maybe MH would be a better place? Or even in General Health.

Kitty my dear - you are the lynchpin holding your family together right now so you do what you can to the best of your abilities and please please don't feel guilty about it. You're human - and as others have already said, if you go down, the whole family goes down with you as well (business, home, you in a potentially broken state unable to care for the kids never mind DH etc).

How would that worse case scenario ... which might be entirely likely if you run out of emotional and/or physical energy, and/or money (via extra travel expense and/or loss of earnings) .... be "the best" for your DH ? Of course it wouldn't be, yet striving to provide "the best" treatment for him could by the sounds of it lead to far greater problems for you all . I've put "best" in inverted commas by the way because as previous posters have quite rightly pointed out this isn't a black and white situation and actually, without a crystal ball, you have no way of knowing what's going to work out "best" anyway. Not MH, but I've experienced the "best" in other areas of life where best has been defined by reviews, qualifications, recommendations and experience .... yet when it came down to it I wasn't personally impressed ... because we're all individuals, and because we all have different circumstances and reactions. There are so many things where we won't know what's "best" until we actually try it ourselves.

The people who've laid into you here are being blinkered and unkind. In an ideal world sure you'd seek out the "best" (so far as you can tell) and regardless of any other consideration you'd take your DH no matter which day, or what time, or how far it was. You'd do all that irrespective of cost, and ignore the possible adverse effect upon your children. You'd have friends, family and neighbours ready and willing and able to bail you out re: cost, childcare, running the business, and home. But let's get real here .... very few people are lucky enough to have unlimited, truly flexible support on demand - or can afford to buy it in .... and remember there are some things money can't buy in any case, like maintaining some semblance of a "normal" life your kids. From reading your story before I think you're doing the very best you can under very difficult, upsetting and trying circumstances and seem to be doing that very well .... with far more patience and good grace than I could probably muster. You have nothing to reproach yourself for and actually, IMO, I think you'd be irresponsible to embark on something you fear (with good reason) might be the final straw that brings everything down on your head. Not least, because as an adult and as a parent I think your first responsibility is to your children .... I know that if I was ill (physically or mentally) that whilst I'd hope my DP would care for me as best he could my main concern would be minimising the impact of that upon my kids. I doubt they'd remain unaffected at all and such is life, but I would not want to take a gamble on treatment if that meant my home and family were severely compromised, AND, there was similar treatment available closer to home which might well work just as well. At the very least, this must be worth a try - because the alternative is too much of a gamble when so much is at stake. This would NOT mean that you're heartless or uncaring .... it would simply mean that you're doing your best within your human capabilities.

I'm so sorry you're going through this because there's no easy answer.

Hatti "kitty, can i suggest another compromise? How about if your DH catches the bus into town x to see the psyche....sits and has a coffee in a caf, mooches around town for a bit, and then you collect him on the way home? Or other way round....whichever works for you on a particular day." - she has said that the therapist is in the middle of nowhere without any cafe's etc. He would be waiting on the side of the road for a long time.

Cailin, i think you are completely missing the point. There is a perfectly good therapist within walking distance. Kitty is not refusing to help him get treatment and if the only therapist was the one where she would have to give up 3 afternoons a week I am sure she would. She is suggesting a compromise. Not an all or nothing approach.

Why is the 6-mile-away therapist the "better" one? Is it just the one that the referrer had personal experience of, and a personal contact with? It could be something as simple as that: "I know X, so I can definitely recommend him/her. Y is also a specialist in this field; I don't know him/her, but have never heard any complaints".

With regard to your driving him, it's worth considering whether you can actually do all the work-related and children-related driving without conflict. If you can't - and particularly if you have to compromise on work, which the family depends on utterly materially, that is a very fine reason to not drive him, and seek either another therapist or another driver.

Also, you did say it was in the middle of nowhere, but is that really completely nowhere, that is: someone's house, not even a village? If it is a village, perhaps your DH could spend longer there, to fit in with your schedule, rather than you needing to be back and forth. Or is there an delivery run you could so while he is at his appointment, which would fill the time for you, and free it elsewhere?

Finally, I must echo other people's urging you to take care of yourself, as your situation would become even more of a scary one, should you fall ill...

go for the local therapist - is "safe pair of hands" and you have no guarantees that the other one is actually "better" anyway. having to commit to thtree times a week hours out of your routine sitting in a van in winter - no not worth it. try the local one.

fine if you dont also have four DC and a business to run - of course you could dedicate to your DH appts - but realsitically you cannot do this. so unless there is realistic possibility of volunteer drivers then go to local therapist.

ask SS for carers assessment for you: that might result in money/driver who knows .

Go with the 'safe hands' or find an alternative driver.
"best" or "safe" only a subjective opinion, not a fact.

At the end of the day, you have to keep the show on the road, and it sounds like you already have more plates than you can juggle. I don't think you DH can take priority over everyone else, all the time, because he's sick.

My FIL is caring for my MIL and attempted to fulfil her every need/wish, at some point we had to step in and stop him, because his own health physically and mentally was in such a bad state. My MIL continued to receive excellent care, but not with her chosen setup. It was for the best as both are now home again, her health is improving, and he is strong enough again to care for her.

Cailin, for all you profess to care abut the DH and his MH issues, you clearly don't give a shit about the OP and her health. You are the blinkered one, and come across as cold, unfeeling and unrealistic.

OP, don't make your life any harder than it already is. Take the local option.

The 'safe pair of hands' because it will be of huge benefit for him to have the independence to get himself there and back, he could then progress to managing his appointments etc. That reason alone is enough.

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ??

You are absolutely spot on about wanting this for him - and it will play a role in his treatment. The local option wins hands down.
Take good care - you have a lot on your plate.

We all want to be the perfect spouse. We all want to be the perfect mother. We all want to be the perfect children/siblings.

At some point its not possible to fill all of those roles without conflict - and trying to do so will have us all on our knees, even without the added complications of long-term health problems to try and manage and support.

I think all you can do is try and find the solution that allows you to be a "good enough" wife and mother - possibly follow up on why the more distant therapist is recommended more highly. And possibly start by only meeting the local one - if you and your DH think this one is a good solution (and it certainly sounds like a much more practical one) then will meeting the other therapist help or hinder the decision making process? It may not work out - but then that's a possibility whatever therapist your DH goes to, and it least if its the local one the only reason for a problem would be if the relationship between DH/therapist doesn't develop. If you aim for the more complicated solution there's a risk that at some point it will just become impossible to get him there in addition to all the other commitments you have.

Whatever you decide you have my sympathy. I've seen a couple of your previous threads and get the impression you've really been through the mill trying to support your DH while keeping your immediate family functioning. There's only so much you can do - but I think you've come to appreciate that.

good luck :)

Considering you are the one holding everything together OP, I think you should do what is easiest for your family, the one closest sounds a better option for a number of reasons. I hope it works out ok x

I agree, local option needs to be utilised. You sound like you're running on empty. You need the afternoon time practically and emotionally-this additional responsibility x 3 per week for 6 months + could be the thing that tips YOU over......and don't feel guilty for placing appropriate boundaries around how much you can realistically "give" from time to time. Good luck

Kitty- you sound like you are doing an amazing job. FWIW, my DH has a chronic illness which means he is physically disabled.

DH has always been treated at the centre which is easiest to get to, whether or not another centre is possible to access and 'better'. So in situations where there is good enough care which he can access himself and carry on as far as possible with daily life he has ALWAYS done so, in preference to the 5* absolutely brilliant treatment he could have got if his and my lives were arranged entirely round his illness.

It is easier for us to some extent as there is no chance my DH will get better, so it is a case of managing the condition and trying to delay deterioration as far as possible.

In your position, IMO, there are compelling reasons to try the 'safe pair of hands' first and only change if your DH really doesn't like him or he isn't helpful.

Cailin, another point is that you keep comparing MH with another serious and chronic illness such as cancer. Well my FIL has been caring for my MIL during chemotheraphy for ovarian cancer. She has been so ill through it all that after her third round my FIL had what I can only describe as a mini breakdown. He had been so focussed on looking after her, and neither of them were really allowing the rest of us to help that he was mentally and physically exhausted. Of course we all stepped in and that point and took control and helped get them both sorted out, but my point is that if there had been noone else to do that, because he hadn't looked after himself first they would both have been royally stuffed. You are completely failing to see that the carer needs to be well enough to look after the person they are caring for and sometimes that means making compromises.

Kitty, I have just read some of your previous threads. It seems like you are doing an amazing job under extremely trying circumstances. As others have said I would stay away from AIBU in future and post somewhere else.

I'm amazed that the OP hasn't cracked under the strain. Four kids, a job, doing most of the housework and looking after her ill DH! I think it is completely unreasonable of DH to ask you to take on an extra burden.

*Caitlin) and where exactly do you see the husbands responsibility in dealing with his MH problems.
He has mental health issues. He has not been diagnosed with a terminal illness, he has not had his legs /arms or head amputated.He is not bed ridden or contageous. He is capable of walking and doing housework, he is capable of being left whilst his wife keeps the business going, therfore showing a modicom of independance.
I despair at people that believe that people with MH issues should be cradled and protected from life. Why?? Surely expecting them to take responsibility for their own lives is far more helpful, supportive and respectful than a patronising approach.
Yes people with poor or enduring MH issues need understanding and a lot of support but please don't take their dignity, independance and choices away.