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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

202 replies

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:47

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives Hmm yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:24

Cailin
If she's unwilling to help him then she has to take serious look at the relationship.

Where have I said that I was unwillign to help him ???

what I am suggesting is something that will work , both for me and him, A "safe pair of hands" within walking distance, win win as far as I can see.

OP posts:
Triggles · 04/12/2011 23:28

sorry, typo... withOUT adding to your stress...

and for the love of God - people stop saying she is unwilling to help him. Unless you have lived it or know someone very well who has, it is really hard to imagine the level of stress and the isolation and frustration this type of situation brings about.

yellowraincoat · 04/12/2011 23:30

Wow, you are coping with a LOT.

Go with the safe pair of hands, see how it goes.

LoonyRationalist · 04/12/2011 23:30

YANBU - go & see the local one - if you are happy go for it. Look at it this way, the one 6 miles away is fully booked at times you can do it, the local one isn't.

You sound like a very supportive & thoughtful partner. Your DH is lucky to have you.

MysteriousHamster · 04/12/2011 23:31

YANBU, precisely because as you say you have to be okay in order to look after the rest of your family. This is important.

Best of luck with it.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:31

Triggles,

You sum up just how I feel, " I've forgotten what its like to have a supportive partner"

On a general point

If this were my DH in "real life" I'd leave him , no question, but I accept that he is ill.

Simply becasue someone is ill is doesnt mean that you have to take EVERYTHING that the illness throws at you , its not even a choice, you simply CANT take it all.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 23:33

Kitty, I cant see that you have replied so my question may have got lost amongst the other posts.

Is a taxi not a viable option, even if it is just for one or two of the days? Or a neighbour who is retired and has some spare time, who you could give petrol money to?

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:34

Loony
Look at it this way, the one 6 miles away is fully booked at times you can do it,

Good point loony, there might be even better therapists locally but they dont have spaces.

In fact the NHS theraspist who recommended the other therapist does take on private patients but
a) doesnt have space ATM
b) couldn't take us on as it would be againts NHS guidelines

and maybe HE woudl be the best , who knows ???

OP posts:
festi · 04/12/2011 23:35

a taxi or retired neighbour may not be able to cater to the needs or support of ops dh.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:36

Squeaky toy,

I did mention in a post about a taxi but it would be £72 a week, waaay to much !

Neighbours etc not really an option and also such a lot to comit to , 3 days a week for at least 6 months, it woudl be asking an awful lot,

but I will look into the volunteer transport that has been mentioned.

OP posts:
bemybebe · 04/12/2011 23:39

Caring for someone with MH issues is very very hard. I have done my bit, but it was horrid and I honestly would understand anyone who eventually bales out.

OP, you are nuts posting here. It is not a place, honestly, why did you do it???

I will say only one thing. If the practitioner 6 miles away is recommended I would go for the recommended option, BUT only if you can sort the transport out. Get help whether it is volunteering or round the help of relatives (take turns of once a week each or one week each month etc).

If you cannot, just go for the local option and do not ask anybody's opinion FFS.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 23:40

Well ladies I must be off to bed now, school run and all that :)

thank you for ALL your posts, I can see both sides, I really can , but I have to do what is best for my whole family, I might well have been on the YABU side before all of this with my DH.

I do feel though more confident to defend my decision and have more of an isite into how others might view me.

Many thanks

OP posts:
fit2drop · 04/12/2011 23:42

Kitty
I sincerely hope you get a positive conclusion this Kitty. Take huge care,
you know that you are doing the best you can , I just hope things get easier and you DH gets some answers and helpful stratagies to help him cope with his problems. He is a lucky man to have such a loyal and devoted wife and mother to his children .
Ignore the posters that don't seem to have a grip on the reality or the enormity of your problems and how abley(is that a word) you are coping.
Good luck and heartfelt positive vibes to you .

bemybebe · 04/12/2011 23:45

The trick is to find idle professional drivers or not-so-obvious people who may be willing to help...

Local church (I have no idea as not a church-goer)? Mums at school (some can be willing, especially if it is a once-a-fortnight)? What about asking about if au pairs may want some extra cash?

Do a deal with a local minicab firm - for REGULAR business they may offer good discount or even approach one of the drivers direct.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 05/12/2011 00:49

Oh FFS, if you have a partner with MH issues, that does NOT mean you just have to suck it up and sacrifice your whole life. It's fine to take an option that is easier and better for you and other family members. Bear in mind, squawkyarses, that this is NOT a case of 'OP losing even more of her time to dealing with H's problems versus H having no help at all' it's a case of one perfectly competent therapist versus another therapist who lives somewhere far less convenient'.
If you have a partner whose MH issues mean that s/he is violent or constantly insulting and verbally abusive, it's fine to end the relationship. Even if the other person is ill you matter too. Women, in particular, are always pressured to put up with all kinds of shit, no matter what, because He's Your Husband And You Owe Him Everything. This is bullshit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2011 03:08

I really think timidviper made a very good point. kitty4paws will be of no help to her DH at all if she takes on too much and crumbles. Frankly, I stand in awe of her, managing as much as she does - I'm not sure that I could do half as well.

Kitty, what specifically was there about the more distant therapist that merited this recommendation? How spectacular could they be, that another therapist who is described as 'a safe pair of hands' (a term that would sway me in their favour) isn't even in the running against them?

I would go with the local therapist. 'A safe pair of hands' sounds just what is required - dependable and capable.

GColdtimer · 05/12/2011 04:21

What SGB said. You matter too and it's not like it's either therapy or no therapy. Safe pair of hands sounds a good enough compromise.

Good luck kitty, things sound really tough for you.

dancingmustard · 05/12/2011 04:21

Asking a question like this on a message board where you know you're going to get a myriad of different answers/suggestions is going to muddy the water.
I'm confused how fast the goalposts move one just one thread to keep up.
I can't get my head around how someone who is profoundly suffering with MH problems can drive safely.

3rdOneComingUp · 05/12/2011 04:29

What about a bike??

TheHumancatapult · 05/12/2011 04:44

Kitty

Sometimes you need to put yourself first I was married to a man with MH issues and it drains you physically and mentally. No longer married to him for lots of reasons yes including MH Reasons

. Unless you been in same position no one can really understand

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

fastweb · 05/12/2011 06:53

We chased the most expertist expert of all experts.

On occasion it has bee worth all the effort, time, stress, missed appointments due to logistics screwing things up.

But that was when it was Leading Bipolar Expert in Lombardia V Duty Psych up the road.

In the majority of all other descisions things actually improved by goi g with the local, but less lauded doc. In part becuase local doc did not have a god complex, would be flexible, was still interested in building up experience/reputation and put their backs i to it. In part because there was less stress and flapping a,oung us, due to the practicalities of juggling three people with jobs, one sick person and regualr appointments that meant somebody was missing workmor cancelling clients. Stress in the family typically has a more profound impact on MIL than ten degrees of fabbyness of the professional.

There is also the apsect of marathon running. MIL does not like change very much. We have to be sure we can realistically keep something up in the longer term. We have to make sure we are not sleepwalking into "burn out on a stick". We have to make sure we protect pur income streams so MIL can have treatments not availble on the health service.

The equation is not as black and white as

best practisioner = we care MIL

Good, but not bestest ever practisioner = we couldn't care less about MIL

It is a lot more comp.icated than that, and stability/sustainability of caring efforts have to feature. Cos MH impacts the emotional well being of more than just the ill person, and juggling practicialities are part of the equation that can lead collapse.

Where there is pressure enough I'd be leery of adding yet more unless there was an utterly overwelmingly good reason to do so. If added pressure has to be tacked on in o e area, it must xo e off in another.

Having an ill person in your family does not endow the other family members with a free cape and big sparkly knickers to go over their tights.

Know your limits love, pay attention to the beginnings of burn out, for his sake as much as your and the kids.

Personally I'd be going with the local safe pair of hands.

fastweb · 05/12/2011 06:56

fuckinghell, that is typo-tastic even by my standards.

Apologies. Am v. tired.

PeanutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 05/12/2011 07:23

kitty I think this was the wrong place to post really as you've had some rough replies.
All though your DH is unwell " no man is an island" and this is obviously having a huge effect on your family.
You need to do what is best for you ALL and I think you already know the answer. It's not like your saying you can't be bothered so he will get no treatment. Why not go and meet the closer therapist and see how it goes?
You sound like your doing an amazing job, be kind to yourself Smile

QuietNinjaMincepie · 05/12/2011 07:27

Cailin I can see where you're coming from but if kitty doesn't have the van and theirbusiness fails then there is no longer any money to care for her dh and 4 kids and herself. What does she do then?
Read her previous threads, kitty has gone above and beyond for her dh and put up with a lot of shit. I would say mental health is one of the most important things to look after but I can't really see how one therapist is gonna be markedly different to another here. If he was being treated through the nhs then he wouldn't have a choice of therapist at all.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 05/12/2011 07:29

God whole lot of thread that I missed so my post might not make any sense now! Will go back and read.

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